Before we begin to answer the question raised in the title, we need to define empathy. I will ignore what the dictionary says in favor of my own definition. My definition of empathy is “A feeling that somehow gets shared between two (or more people) and that helps each person feel closer to the other person.” Years ago, when my first wife and I went to marriage counseling, she told the counselor, that I was the only person she knew who did not have any feelings. For years, she had wondered about it but she finally concluded that I did not have any. I cannot fault her for this. I believed that Spock on Star Trek, was too emotional. After all, he did have a human mother.
Forty-six years have gone by since that fateful counseling session and I have learned a lot more about empathy. But to say that I am a master or even a journeyman in empathy would be an exaggeration. Learning empathy is not as simple as that. It is compounded by the fact that I see three types of empathy (This is my typology). There is neg-empathy, neutral empathy, and positive empathy. Most of my days are spent in neutral empathy. I have had many occasions of neg-empathy. Once in a great while, I get struck by lightning and have a glimpse of positive empathy. They have become more frequent as I have aged but not frequent enough. (The opening picture above shows three types of empathy that psychology textbooks use.) Again, I favor my own three types.
Neg-Empathy
Neg-empathy is a complete disregard for how another person feels. Sometimes it is intentional but most often it is inadvertent. Culturally many of us are brought up to exhibit neg-entropy. Here is one example:
A good friend is running with me on a mountain trail in Casa Grande. He stumbles, falls, and twists his ankle. I ask him if it is ok and can he still run. He replies that it hurts quite a bit, to which I reply “Remember, when the going gets tough, the tough get going.” I think I heard that line from John Wayne or Vince Lombardi. Many men and maybe women in some cultures are brought up to disregard pain and to ignore suffering. “I pulled myself up by my bootstraps, so should you.” “The only thing you have to fear, is fear itself.”
Personally, I love a lot of these macho aphorisms. My father used to tell me them all the time. Like when I once came home battered and bruised from a fight that I had won with an older kid, and my father said. “Next time you win a fight, look like you won it.”
People who are suffering from depression are often the victims of neg-entropy. In trying to help them with lines like “Tomorrows another day” or “You worry too much,” we make things worse for them. At best, we do not ameliorate or disperse any of their depression.
Neg-empathy does not make anyone feel better. Comments from neg-empathy do nothing to share a sense of common concern or camaraderie. At best, they are not helpful and at worse, they may just be mean spirited and cruel.
Neutral Empathy:
I started running in 1975 after being a very good bicyclist for many years. I ran in freezing rain, below zero wind-chills and blistering heat. I even went out one time and ran with a tornado coming through the neighborhood. Like the U.S. Mail, nothing could stop me. Over the years, I met many people who would tell me “I used to run but my knees went out and I had to give it up.” I had enough sense not to tell them what I was really thinking so I usually said nothing or just a “too bad.” What I was really thinking was “If you really wanted to you could still be running.” The latter comment would be an example of neg-empathy. My silence was an example of neutral empathy. I did not make any connection to the feelings that the other person had, nor did I much want to. I could not identify with them since I ran “no matter what.” I was better than they were.
Last year in April of 2022, I broke my finger in a fall while running on a mountain trail in Casa Grande. I continued running and did not find out that my finger was broke until I had an Xray about two months or so later. The finger throbbed and looked funny for much of this time. This still did not stop my running. The advice from many people was that it was just swollen, and the swelling would go down.
One of my favorite run days of the year is January 1. It is a day that while many are making promises to exercise or lose weight, I go up and do a long hour run in the mountains. This year, January 1, 2023, I put my running gear on and drove to the mountain trailhead. The closer I came to the trailhead, the more apprehension I felt. I began to dread running on the mountain trails today. What used to seem like fun was replaced with a scary feeling. “When will I break my leg” kept going through my mind?
I finally decided not to run anymore (at least on these trails). From now on I would hike the trails. Since January, I have made about three hikes each week. On each of my hikes, I have suffered from missing the challenges of trail running, feeling like a coward who quit, and just plain thinking of myself as a loser.
Today, I was experiencing the same feelings when suddenly, I realized that I would now be the one to have an excuse for not running any more. My thoughts went to the numerous times I had encountered others with an excuse for not running. What would I say to the people I met on the trail. Should I apologize for not running? Would they recognize me as the guy who had been running these trails for 12 years? I did not want sympathy, but I was embarrassed before even meeting anyone else on the trail.
I realized that I had never given anyone positive empathy for having to give up their running. My keeping quiet was just an example of neutral empathy. No support, no compassion, no closeness, no connection with how the other person was feeling. Forty years after my counseling sessions, and the best I was doing was negative empathy.
Positive Empathy:
My shoulder hurts now from lifting too many weights yesterday. With Karen gone East to visit her children, I have been doubling down on my exercise schedule. I figured I could catch up and maybe even get ahead for the several days that I missed last month. This idea of “catching up” is stupid. It is fruitless and a waste of time. Furthermore, it is much more likely to result in injury than sticking to a “normal” schedule. So now my shoulder is painful and I have no one around to show me any empathy. Karen would be running some cream or oil in my shoulder or giving me a massage or just telling me that she was worried about me, and that I should take it easy. Karen is my main source of positive empathy.
We all need positive empathy for the pains and outrageous misfortunes that happen to us in life. There are two problems that we may have in getting this positive empathy.
- Too many people like me who are not good at giving positive empathy.
- Not enough people in our lives to give us the empathy we all need on occasion.
What happens to people who live alone or who have few friends? I don’t really have a good answer to this. I realize that there are people who visit shut ins. People who visit prisons. I wonder if this is enough. Some of the studies on happiness suggest that people are less happy than they were years ago.
“While happiness increased globally up until 2011, it has been falling ever since. But this trend masks large differences in happiness across countries, with clear winners and losers.” World Happiness Report
Some questions I have for you:
- Is it possible to give ourselves empathy?
- Can self-empathy replace empathy from other people?
- What happens to people who never get any empathy?
- Thanks for reading. I look forward to hearing your comments or responses.
Compassion is the most important of the seven virtues. Compassion is just one stroke short of love. Compassion leads to love but it takes some doing to get there. The journey involves a number of steps each predicated on a trait or behavior that is uniquely human. In this blog, I want to describe the journey to compassion and beyond to love. Each step of the journey is a commitment to humanity. If you do not care about others, you will not be interested in the journey. Compassion is the opposite of narcissism. A narcissist loves them-self. A person with compassion loves others. With a narcissist, it is “all about me.” With a compassionate person, it is “all about them.”
The journey starts with sympathy. We think of sympathy as “feeling sorry for someone.” It is the ability to have feelings for another person. We see another person who looks hungry or unhappy or ill and we feel some sense of remorse or regret for the other person. We might be distressed for them or we might simply be glad that we are not in their shoes. A part of us hurts or aches for the other person, but we do not identify with them on a deeper level. Our sorrow goes no further than to perhaps wonder what had befallen them to bring such misery.
Our next step in our journey to compassion takes understanding. We need to try to understand others and to put ourselves in their shoes. We must avoid separation and thinking that we are so different from others. We must avoid judging others. When you couple understanding with sympathy, you have taken the next step. You have now arrived at empathy. To have empathy for others, is to combine sympathy and understanding. You are sorry for those who are less well-off then you are, but you do not separate yourself from them and instead you seek to find the common ground that links you to the other person. Sympathy involves the heart. Empathy involves both the heart and the mind.
The next step in our journey is action. All of the empathy in the world will not make a difference if we do not take action. Empathy + Action = Compassion. Compassion is the way we make a difference to others. Jesus said “Feed my sheep.” He did not say to just take pity on them or to simply have empathy for them. Empathy by itself does not clothe the poor, feed the hungry or help the weak. We must make action and doing a part of our empathy for others. This is true compassion.
Bob’s actions made a great impact on me, since I had seldom gone further in my life than either waiting to be asked for help or sometimes asking others if they needed help. It would never have occurred to me to just show up and help. Perhaps, you might think that simply showing up and helping someone is going too far. However, think about yourself. Would you really ask others for help? I know I probably would not. Pitching in to help when not asked may not always be warranted but I now see it as something worth endeavoring to do more often than not.
Compassion is a much more useful and practical virtue for my life. I can deal with compassion and I can be more compassionate if I really aspire to. I am not sure I can be more loving. I have a hard time “loving” others whom I dislike or who do unkind things to people I do like. I more often “love” others who think and act like I do. I may be taking the easy way out, but if I can be more compassionate to others and if someday I am thought of as a compassionate person, that will be enough for me. If you are further along in your journey through life, then you should consider including love as one of your “most” important virtues. No one will be a worse person for it. For me today, compassion for others is enough of an effort.
Aging Capriciously 