I am the Lord High Master. “So, I shall say it, so it shall be true.” “No one is judged except through me.”
In the last few years, I have judged many fake Christians. I have judged many so-called followers of Christ who are liars and hypocrites. Christians in name only because they do not carry the true message of Jesus.
It is my role in life to judge. Only I can decide. Only I can see through to the heart of man or woman to tell if they are a true Christian. Only I can tell who will go to heaven and who will go to hell.
It is a terrible burden, but I carry it proudly. Just ask me or better yet just tell me what kind of a car they drive, and I will tell you if they are a true Christian. I can often tell by the hat they wear or the t-shirt they are wearing. Sometimes their name is a giveaway. Names like Billy Bob and Ray Jean are dead giveaways.
How did I get this superpower? The ability to spot a pseudo-Christian from a real Christian. I was not born with this power. Somewhere along the journey of my life, it came upon me like a call from God. Judge them! Judge them! Judge them! I could hear it in my mind.
At first I was criticized. “Judge not others lest ye be judged yourself,” I was told. But Jesus himself judged. He condemned the Scribes and Pharisees. He judged the money lenders in the temple.
Besides, there was this voice in my head that said, “Condemn the false Christians. Do not let them get away with their lies and hypocrisy.”
What else could I do? I was put on this earth to separate the phonies from the true followers of Jesus. It is an awesome responsibility. Some days I wonder if I am up to it. Then I remember that I am.
There are thousands if not millions of would-be Christians who profess to follow the words of Jesus, but whose deeds condemn them daily.
Occasionally, however, my magnificent gift of judgment presents me with troublesome questions. The following are questions about comments that I have heard other “Christians” make:
- Would Jesus say that Democrats can’t be Christians?
- Would Jesus order anyone to kill another human being?
- Would Jesus say that greed is good?
- Would Jesus say that mercy is for the weak?
- Would Jesus take his time each day to find ways to vilify his critics?
- Would Jesus tell his followers to abuse, ridicule or inflict pain on a non-follower?
I would have to confess that I am not always a robust follower of Jesus. I still lash out at people who insult or abuse me.
I would inflict mortal pain on anyone who tried to hurt someone I loved.
But as I have been told by many Christians, “The Lord works in wondrous ways.” Perhaps my being assigned to judge others is one of the Lord’s miracles.
I can usually identify a false Christian from fifty yards. Seventy-five yards if I have my glasses on. Bumper stickers are especially useful. God apparently communicates extensively through automobile decals.
So, who gets to decide who is a Christian and who is not a True Believer in Jesus? IMHO, certainly not anyone who tries to tell you that Jesus did not exist. Here are the main qualifications for anyone who wants to make these decisions:
- You must not be worried about what others will think of you. They are probably going to hell anyway.
- You must have read at least some of the New Testament
- You should belong to a Christian church even if you never go
- You should be able to stick to your decision even when you later find out that you are wrong
- You must have a bumper sticker or window decal in your vehicle that says:
- Make America a Christian Nation Again
- Would Jesus appoint me to decide who is a real Christian?
The last question troubles me occasionally, so I try not to think about it.
If you feel that you can meet at least one of these six qualifications, please join me in my ongoing campaign to root out all the phony pompous egotistical asses that think they are real bona-fide Christians.
This morning I received a disturbing letter. Apparently another organization has been established to determine who is and is not a Christian.
They have reviewed my qualifications.
I didn’t make the cut.
I intend to appeal.
I like Number 7 a great deal
