My Final Will and Testament – These Are My Unfulfilled Desires – Reflection #14

02 Dec 2024 3 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Two years ago at my 40th Demontreville Retreat, one of the exercises that the Retreat Master gave us included a particularly challenging set of thoughts.  The worksheet for the activity was labeled as “A Testament.”  I took the worksheet and instructions home with me.  It had fourteen tasks or reflections to complete.  I did not desire to complete them during the retreat.  It is now over a year since this retreat, and I have almost completed the mental and emotional effort necessary to write all fourteen reflections for my “Testament.”   This reflection will finish the task that I started several months ago.

To Recap Somewhat:  The worksheet started with these instructions:

“Imagine that this is the last day of your life on earth.  In the time that you have left, you want to leave a ‘Testament’ for your family and friends.  Each of the following could serve as chapter headings for your “Testament.”

This is the final reflection.  It is Number 14 on the worksheet. 

  1. These are my unfulfilled desires:

The following unfulfilled desires are in no particular order.  I have waited a long time to compose this last reflection for my final Testament.  I struggled with how to say what I wanted to say without seeming like I was expecting any sympathy or support.  I neither look for nor desire any support.  At my age, I have been through enough self-reflection and counseling to know that I am not going to change my mind.  You see it is not a mind thing at all.  It is a feeling thing.  Try as I might, I still cannot shake these feelings.

I knew that I would not feel-good writing this reflection because it sums up too much of my life.  I grew up hard and I gave back hard.  I do not know if I would do anything different if I had a second chance.  The world has always been a hard place for me.  I had the feeling all my life of being a “Motherless Child.”  The last thirty years of my life were based on my hope that I could and would make and see a difference in the world.  The recent US elections have shown me how wrong I was.  I have not given up but I have little faith in the outcome.

Here than are the three major areas of my unfulfilled desires.  I hope to make a case for how important these are for you as well as they are for me.

  1. To leave the world a better place than when I entered

Years ago, I did not care one iota for this goal.  I was only concerned with making money, being successful, getting rich and having an enjoyable time.  People who are Baby Boomers like me all say that they knew where they were when JFK was assassinated.  Fact is, I have not a clue where I was.  Sad to say, I did not care about his being assassinated.  I was not interested in politics and did not see that it had anything to do with my goals or desires.  Politics was so far out of my stream of consciousness that I had no desire to vote or be involved.

When I joined the military in 1964 at the age of 18, I wanted to go to Vietnam to kill communists.  My right-wing father had instilled in me the thought that communism was bad and all commies deserved to die. Despite three tries to get to Vietnam, I never left the United States.  However, during my last two years in the service, I met many returning Vietnam vets.  The real scoop that these returning vets gave me on the war completely turned my ideas around.  I realized that the war was immoral and unjust, and that we were killing many innocent people who wanted to live the same kind of life that we did in the good old USA.  Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness seem to be universal goals.  My military experience taught me this truism.  I became increasingly politicized over the following years.

There are many ways to make a difference in the world.  For years, I split my goals.  On the one hand, I wanted to make as much money as possible and on the other hand, I wanted to make a difference in the world.  I finally arrived at the point in my life where money was no longer a primary goal and making a difference was everything to me.  The feeling that I was helping others to live the life of their dreams.  I realized that the biggest obstacle to peace and prosperity lie in changing systems.  Dr. Deming used to say “Put a good person in a bad system and the system will win every time.”

I came to believe that many systems in the USA needed changing.  The criminal justice system, the health care system, the education system, and the Fourth Estate were all broke.  I could see that they were so broken that it was not simply a matter of patching them up.  We needed to start from the ground up and craft totally new systems to reach goals for the 21st Century and not the 19th or 20th Century.  I believed that the only way to accomplish this was by finding leaders and supporting leaders who believed in the same goals that I did.  Obvious to anyone today, such a vision did not materialize.  Is it impossible?  Are all politicians sycophants and crooks?

Whether or not you voted for Trump, the saddest part about the American elections is that nearly eighty-nine million people did not vote.  This figure represents 36% of the countries eligible voting population.  How do we change systems when one third of the people are  against the changes needed and one third of the people do not give a damn?

I have tried over the years through writing, consulting, teaching, marching and protesting to make a difference.  It feels like trying to stop the tide from coming in with a bucket and shovel.  A futile effort that maybe makes one feel like they are doing something but in the end it is “All sound and fury signifying nothing.”  Perhaps a reason for depression or even despair but not good enough for giving up and quitting.  If I have learned one thing in life, it is that we really can never know whether or not we have made a difference.  Only time will judge my life and I am sure that I will not be around to see the verdict.

  1. To have taken better care of the people in my life

I have never been a “people” person.  Ideas were the stuff and building blocks of my life.  I would rather go to an academic lecture than a wedding or a birthday party.  I had no desire to see my grandkids play football  or baseball.  I never cared whether my parents showed up at my games so why should I bother going to watch any idiotic sporting events?  Too much time is spent on what I call the “Opiate” of the masses today.  I still do not understand how any intelligent people can suddenly lose their minds over a “home” game or a Super Bowl final.  God (If there is one) why cannot you save us from this malady?

Nevertheless, more empathy on my part towards the people in my life would have been nice.  I realize that I have intellectual empathy towards people, and I care deeply about poverty and injustice.  However, I lack emotional empathy that connects me with the person rather than the concept.  I would sooner go to a protest march than a funeral.  As Jesus said, “Let the dead bury the dead.”— Luke 9:60.

You cannot bring them back so why the fuss?  I now realize that funerals are not for the dead.  I did not have this insight when I was younger.  The past few years, I have helped to organize three “Celebrations of Life” for some close friends.  I was touched by how much each of these events meant for the surviving friends and relatives.  My regret is for the people that I neglected by not having this kind of emotional empathy many years ago.

  1. To have been a kinder and more generous person than I was

Growing up hard, I thought that all people should be hard.  Life should be based on facts and data and not wishes and dreams.  In more ways than I can tell in this short reflection, I was not kind to many friends and relatives including both of my wives.  AA has a point where you make an inventory of the people whom you need to apologize to or make amends to for some wrong that you did to them.  I have thought of this AA process many times but I would not know where to start.  I no longer remember many of the names of the people that I hurt.  I am not sure how I could contact them or what they would say.

Several years ago, I was on the Oprah Winfrey show as a guest.  Oprah had a show each year dealing with forgiveness.  I had written Oprah with my story about my relationship with my daughter Chris.  I was very mean and intolerant of Chris’s behavior when she was only a young child.  She had stopped talking to me after I left my first wife.  I did not write Oprah because I wanted to be on the show.  I wrote suggesting a show about parents and children who were alienated from each other.

I was subsequently called by an Oprah staff member who said that Oprah liked the idea and would I be willing to come on the show.  I answered NO!  That was the end of that or so I thought.  Several months later, the Oprah show again called me and asked, “Would I come on if my daughter also agreed to come on the show?”  I thought about this for a while and finally agreed to the idea.  Maybe ten years had passed between Chris and I without a word.  I hoped that maybe a public apology on my part would be enough to turn things around between us.

Prior to the show starting, I was in the iconic Green Room getting my bald head polished so as not to shine too much.  Oprah came in to visit me with her little dog.  We talked general pleasantries for a few minutes and then she warned me not to get my hopes up too high.  Chris had accepted her invitation to be on the show with me.  However Oprah cautioned that my apology and request for forgiveness might not be accepted.

I came out on the stage and my daughter sat opposite to me.  Oprah sat between us.  Oprah started by asking me what I did that I wanted to ask Chris to forgive me for.  I talked about my meanness, my emotional abuse, and my lack of tolerance for Chris.  I asked Chris for her forgiveness.  She said NO!  She did not forgive me and would not.  That was the end of that.

Maybe thirty or so more years went by with little or no communication between Chris and I.  About five years ago, I reached out to her with a text message when I came back to Minnesota.  She agreed to have lunch with me.  The first two hours went by with her telling me how much she disliked me.  The third hour something changed, and we had a most amiable discussion.  For the next four years, each time I came back to Minnesota, Chris and I met for lunch in Stillwater Minnesota.  We would have a long lunch to talk about our lives and what we were doing.  For about 3 hours once a year,  we have a normal father daughter relationship.

I am not sure if Chris has really forgiven me or not.  At this point, it does not seem to matter.  I have asked her to come down to Arizona to visit but she merely nods her head.  I have not told her that I am probably not coming to Minnesota anymore.  All my good friends have passed away.  It does not make sense to me to come up to Minnesota for a once-a-year three-hour lunch.  Not sure where our relationship will go from here.  I did get a Thanksgiving greeting from her a few days ago and that was something new.  A brief message that means the world to me.  

Conclusions and Finality:

Well, there are no conclusions to living until the real finality takes over.  My insights now will not fix the past for me.  Writing is not cathartic for me either.  I have gone over these thoughts more times than I can count in the past fifty years.  So why do I bother?  As with most writers, I hope to make a difference.  Maybe some of you reading my story will avoid the mistakes that I made.  If so, no amount of money or success could make me happier.

  • The good life is inspired by love and guided by knowledge: Bertrand Russell 
  • Life is about creating yourself: George Bernard Shaw 
  • Happiness depends upon ourselves: Aristotle 
  • Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving: Albert Einstein 
  • All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better: Ralph Waldo Emerson

A Theory of Relationships

08 Nov 2024 Leave a comment

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

I participate in a high school mentoring program which matches up young students with older experienced men and women.  This was my second year in the program.  My mentee last year graduated and has become an alumnus of the program.  This year I was matched up with another student.  My new mentee was a young high school junior.  She wrote to me one day that she was in a relationship with someone and that it had become serious.  She wanted my advice.  Never one to shirk giving advice, I seem to always fail to hew to the dictum that “Wise people won’t need it, and fools won’t heed it.”  I sent her some comments based on my two marriages and nearly 60 years of being in a committed relationship.  The sixty years includes both my marriages.

Some days later, I found some notes from my retreat this summer.  These notes also addressed the subject of relationships or shall I say a “theory” of relationships.  I want to talk about my theory in this blog.  For many of you it will probably be “common knowledge.”  Nevertheless, I am hoping my insights might be useful to anyone out there either beginning or struggling with a relationship.  A relationship might be a friendship, a family member, a group you belong to or a loved one.  I think my theory will have some value to any such relationship.

According to Google AI, a good theory consists of the following:

  • A good theory is falsifiable (can be tested and potentially disproven).
  • Theories are designed to explain and predict phenomena.
  • A theory should be parsimonious, meaning it uses the simplest explanation possible while still adequately explaining the phenomenon.

A theory consists of concepts, constructs, precepts, variables, relationships between variables and assumptions.  I am going to posit five assumptions about relationships and then try to explain each adding in some of the above parts of a theory.  I will explain why I think each of my assumptions is critical to a good relationship.  I am not going to try to claim that my theory is a “good” theory by any scientific data.  Rather, I would justify it based on my ups and downs with relationships over sixty or more years of experience.  But as Dr. W. E. Deming often said, “Experience without theory teaches nothing.”  Thus, herein is my “Theory of Relationships.”  I hope some of these ideas will help you or others along the pathway of love and life.

My five key assumptions about relationships are as follows: 

  1. Relationships require risk
  2. Relationships require change
  3. Relationships require more than commitments
  4. Relationships require sacrifice
  5. Relationships require knowledge of self and other 
  1. Relationships require risk

Almost any effort in life will entail some element of risk.  As the saying goes, “The turtle only makes progress by sticking its neck out.”  Risk is a key concept that runs through life.  It can be thought of as the probability that something will happen either good or bad.  For instance, when you bet at a Casino or perhaps take a Caribbean cruise.  You hope to win the bet, and you hope your cruise will be safe and fun.

In life, we try to minimize risk by back-up plans, precautions and strategies to offset risk.  Variables can be created in some cases to give us more definitive measures of how risky a specific endeavor is.  In gambling we call these odds.  In love, we are usually to foolish to accept any odds on our relationship going south.  However, some people do set up prenuptial contracts which are a method to hedge your bet on your relationship.  Most people in love though are blind to the possibility that their relationship will end.  Odds are though that it will end unhappily.

Many people accept it as a fact that forty to fifty percent of all first marriages end in divorce, but those who wed multiple times face a far higher divorce rate.  The average length of a first marriage in the United States is around eight years.  The average length of a second marriage is about seven years.  Sixty to seventy percent of second marriages end in divorce. 

Being aware of risk does not mean giving up on life.  It simply means we must be realistic about the possibilities that risk entails for relationships and all other endeavors (This includes friendships).  There are many ways to minimize risk in a relationship.  Here are just a few examples:

  • Marriage Encounter Groups
  • Family meetings weekly
  • Marriage counseling
  • Here are some ten ideas from “Women’s Health”:

10 Ways to Save Your Marriage From Divorce, Straight From Relationship Experts

  1. Relationships require change

Perhaps one of the most overlooked facts impacting a relationship is the need for change.  Right, “your other needs to change but you do not.”  You are perfectly okay.  Change is an interesting concept.  One of the things most feared in life is change.  Ironically, we could not survive without change.  Unfortunately, not all changes turn out well.  Herein lies another risk factor.  Will your change be for the better or worse?  Hard to put odds on change, but most relationships will not survive unless the partners are willing to change.

I don’t mean change in just a physical sense but change in an emotional and cognitive sense.  Are you willing to accept major changes in your ideas about life and relationships?  Are you willing to accept major changes in how you feel about certain activities and people?  Without change, we know that life grows stale and boring.  Relationships are no different.  A relationship without change will become boring.  Doing the same old things day after day.  Even worse is when you refuse to think about some of the ideas you have that relate to your significant other.  For instance, If he or she likes to travel and you do not, are you willing to go along or have your partner go with a friend?  What accommodation are you willing to make if you are not willing to change your own behavior?  Love requires change.

“We cannot change anything until we accept it.  Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.” — Carl Jung

  1. Relationships require more than commitments

We hear a great deal about commitment when it comes to relationships.  Making a commitment involves dedicating yourself to something, like a person or a cause.  A commitment obligates you to do something.  In a relationship, it might involve a commitment to fidelity or to some fiduciary obligations.  We promise to “Love, honor and obey” in some marriage vows.  We think that making a commitment is enough to keep our relationship in safe waters.  Some people think that a commitment can be embodied in a “Marriage Contract.”  Such a document spells out mutual responsibilities and agreements.

At our last Marriage Encounter meeting, I was introduced to the distinction between a “Marriage Contract” and a “Marriage Covenant.”

Covenant                                    Contract

Unconditional                             50/50 agreement

A Covenant is forever                A Contract can be terminated

A Covenant is limitless               A Contract has limits

We tend to think of Covenants when it comes to Bible history.  Covenants were made between God and his chosen people.  The idea of a contract is a modern legal term.  I think it erodes the very essence of spirituality that a marriage or committed relationship should embody.  We need to adhere to the idea of a Covenant when it comes to a relationship.  Anything less leads inevitably to less than a committed relationship.  We can simply terminate it when the going gets rough.

  1. Relationships require sacrifice

Another interesting concept, Sacrifice.  What does sacrifice mean?  Are there any variables that can measure our sacrifices?  Jesus said that the greatest sacrifice anyone can make is to give up their lives for another.  I think the greatest sacrifice is to love someone who is unlovable.  To love someone who is despicable like a pedophile or a serial killer or someone who bullies and threatens others.  I do not know about such sacrifices, and I am not sure if I could make them.  I admire the partner or mother or father who can stick by their spouses or siblings when all hell breaks loose.  Can you imagine being called up by the police and told that your son just shot 20 people at school.  Could you stand by them?  What sacrifice it must entail not to stop loving someone who has done such cruel acts!  Fortunately, most relationships will never demand such sacrifices.

The sacrifices we make in relationships can range from trivial (like which way to put toilet paper on the roll) to the significant.  More significant sacrifices might entail deciding who will stay home with the children or who will give up where they want to live for the other person’s choice.   You may not face many significant sacrifices in your relationships, but you will most assuredly face many trivial sacrifices.  These should not be discounted or minimized though.  As the quote goes, “For want of a nail the shoe was lost, For want of a shoe the horse was lost, For want of a horse the rider was lost, For want of a rider the battle was lost.”  Trivial things add up like the straw that broke the camels back.  The trivial can go from a mole hill to a mountain in less time than many of us realize.  When the trivial become the mountain, your relationship will be in jeopardy.  The trivial sacrifices in a relationship are anything but trivial but they are certainly inevitable.

  1. Relationships require knowledge of self and other

This is the toughest requirement of all.  Socrates said that “The unexamined life is not worth living.”  What if you have never examined your life?  How many people do you know who have done a rigorous examination of their life?  Jesus said, “Love your neighbor as yourself.”  But what if you do not love yourself.  In truth, I doubt many people do.  Many people have been so beaten up by parents, teachers, bullies and even loved ones that they actually hate themselves.  Few of these people want to know themselves because it means facing hidden demons that they would just like to leave buried.   Gandhi said, “Be the change that you want to see in others.”  This axiom encourages a certain amount of self-understanding as well as understanding of others.  All too often we have no time to understand either.  The perp that is trying to rob you at gun point will not have time for you to understand him.  Furthermore, you may care very little about his troubled up bringing.

My uber pessimism on a premise that I insist is necessary for a good relationship seems to doom any relationship to the graveyard.  If we can never know ourselves or others, how then can we have a positive happy relationship.  The secret is that we do not have to be perfect, nor do we need perfect knowledge of ourselves or others.  We can never and will never be perfectly transparent to ourselves or others anyway.  The JOHARI Window has a quadrant of “Unknown to Others and Unknown to Self.”  I have found the JOHARI window to be quite a useful concept on the path to discovering more about myself and thinking about my relationship with others.

“The Johari window model is used to enhance the individual’s perception on others.  This model is based on two ideas- trust can be acquired by revealing information about you to others and learning yourselves from their feedback.  Each person is represented by the Johari model through four quadrants or windowpane.  Each four windowpanes signifies personal information, feelings, motivation and whether that information is known or unknown to oneself or others in four viewpoints.” — The Johari Window Model

The risk will always be there, but we can work on being more self-aware and more honest to others.  That is the best we can do in life.  That is why relationships are risky.  You will never be able to see all the shoals and reefs that your life might flounder on.   Life is a process of never-ending discovery.  Death will eventually bring closure to your adventures and explorations.  Until then, just getting in bed is risky so why not try to live life to the fullest.  Get out of bed and go MAKE a good relationship.

 

 

My Final Will and Testament —Things That I Loved in Life —Reflection #1

08 May 2024 3 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , ,

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Last year at my 40th Demontreville Retreat, one of the exercises that we were given by the Retreat Master included a very challenging set of thoughts.  The worksheet for the activity was labeled as “A Testament.” I took the worksheet and instructions home with me.  It had fourteen tasks or reflections to complete.  I did not desire to complete them during the retreat.  It is now almost a year since my retreat, and I have decided to make the mental and emotional effort necessary to complete this “Testament.”

I am going to complete one or two reflections every other day for the next few weeks.  I would love it if you would do these tasks along with me.  If you would like to share your thoughts, that would be great, but I am not expecting anyone to do so.  I would like to know if you find any benefit in completing these activities.

The worksheet started with these instructions:

Imagine that this is the last day of your life on earth.  In the time that you have left, you want to leave a “Testament” for your family and friends.  Each of the following could serve as chapter headings for your “Testament.”

 1.These are the Things that I have loved in life.

Wow, where to start?  The effort brings tears to my eyes.  I fear that I have loved and lost too much.  In Alfred Lord Tennyson’s famous poem “In Memoriam A.H.H.” he writes:

I hold it true, whate’er befall;

I feel it when I sorrow most;

‘Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all.  —- Canto XXVII

If only I could agree with Tennyson.  My soul does cry out for remorse and forgiveness but giving it to myself seems hard to come by.  The people that loved me and cared about me that I scorned in my life are mostly shadows now of another era.  An epoch that I want to forget about.  Can we really change?  Have I really changed.  I am ashamed to list what I have loved because I was so careless and thoughtless with so much of it.  If only I believed in a God of Forgiveness, it would make this effort so much easier.

I won’t say I have ever loved a thing.  I have never loved money, cars, or possessions.  I have loved the thought of fame and fortune.  I have never completely let go of the idea that around the next corner awaits my vindication.  Fame and fortune will anoint me as the true Knight that I dreamed of being.  When I was ten years old, I wanted to be an astronaut.  I wanted to fly into space on a rocket ship years before Captain Kirk was even born (at least on TV.) I loved the idea of adventure and discovering new places, things and ideas.  But my dreams were dashed by reality.  I was too short to be an astronaut and my eyes were not good enough to be a pilot.  Biological requirements that were set by who knows and for what reasons that dashed all hope of my dreams of going to the stars.

I have loved a few people.  Similar to my relationship with God, I am an Atheist when it comes to love.  Can you really love a car?  Can you love your new house?  Love seems to me something that must be reciprocal.  Only humans can really reciprocate love.  Even pets are only capable of licking your face.   However, with humans, most of the love in the world is a misnomer for lust.  Love at first sight is the most egregious example of lust to ever exist.  I see a woman with nice legs or nice breasts, and I fall “IN LOVE.”  Another idiotic phrase that should be stricken from humanity.  Six weeks later, we are married and promise to “Love and Cherish” each other for life.  This bliss or LOVE may last for a few months or years until the lust has all but disappeared and reality has set in.

I have never ever fallen in love with anybody much less anything.  I love Karen.  I love my sister Jeanine.  I love several old friends.  Love for me has to be earned.  It has to develop over time as with the “Velveteen Rabbit”,  “It’s a thing that happens to you.  When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.” — Margery Williams

Can I child really love a stuffed toy?  The logician in me says NO.  The cynic in me says NO.  The realist in me says NO.  My heart says YES, thereby negating much of what I have probably already said about love.  Love is in one sense logical and rational.  In another sense, it is emotional, illogical, and irrational.  I still question loving your car or loving your house, but I do not question the love that some people may have for their pets or even an inanimate object.  Reason tells me that a pet stuffed rabbit can somehow personify “love” much better than my desire for a Ferrari ever could.  I still can’t imagine in what warped dimension I might live where I could fall in love with a Ferrari or even cry when it was gone.

I shall add to my list of “Loves” the following:

  • Books
  • Ideas
  • Writing
  • Music
  • Food
  • Travel
  • Adventure
  • Adversity
  • Challenges

Number 2 of 14 Reflections in this Testament exercise is as follows: 

  1. These are the experiences that I have cherished.

I am posting this as a sort of “heads up” to give you some time to think about your own experiences.  I will reflect on mine in my next blog:

Here are some of my favorite quotes on love:

  • Jesus said, “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” — John 15:13
  •  “I hope it’s okay if I love you forever.” — Ally Maine, “A Star Is Born”
  •  “Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place.” — Zora Neale Hurston
  •  “Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.” ― Martin Luther King Jr.
  •  “Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” ― Robert A. Heinlein
  •  Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. — Aristotle

 

 

 

Incomplete Episodes in a Life

25 Nov 2023 16 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , ,

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One’s life might be viewed as a series of episodes.  Each episode is an animated picture or story with a beginning, middle and conclusion.  Most of the episodes in our lives follow this pattern.  However, there are some that do not.  The ones that do not generally lack a conclusion.  These are the “incomplete” episodes that I referred to in the title to this blog.  Things that we started but never finished.  Places we wanted to go but never did.  People we wanted to meet but did not.  Perhaps even more importantly, who we wanted to become but never did.

Before giving my somewhat prosaic opinions of this topic, I decided to query ChatGPT to see what it would say about the subject.  I used the following query:

How does one deal with the incomplete episodes in our lives?

Here is the entire response that ChatGPT gave.  Some good food for thought which I would like to later elaborate on.  It (I don’t know whether to say he or she), and It seems too impersonal.  Anyway, ChatGPT gave the following ten answers.  I list these just as he/she gave them.  Any typos belong to ChatGPT.  😊

ChatGPT

Dealing with incomplete episodes in our lives can be challenging, as it often involves facing uncertainty, unmet expectations, or unresolved issues.  Here are some strategies to help you navigate through such situations:

  1. Acceptance:
  • Acknowledge that life is full of incomplete episodes, and not everything can be neatly resolved or concluded.
  • Embrace the uncertainty and imperfection inherent in the human experience.
  1. Mindfulness:
  • Practice mindfulness to stay present in the moment rather than dwelling on the past or worrying about the future.
  • Focus on what you can control and let go of things beyond your control.
  1. Learn from the Experience:
  • Reflect on the incomplete episode and identify any lessons or insights it may offer.
  • Consider how you can grow and develop as a person through the experiences, even if they are not fully resolved.
  1. Gratitude:
  • Cultivate a sense of gratitude for the positive aspects of the experience, even if it didn’t unfold as expected.
  • Recognize the value in the journey itself, rather than solely focusing on the destination.
  1. Seek Closure if Possible:
  • If the incomplete episode involves relationships or unresolved issues, consider whether seeking closure is feasible and healthy.
  • This might involve open communication, forgiveness, or finding a resolution that allows you to move forward.
  1. Adaptability:
  • Develop adaptability and resilience to cope with life’s uncertainties.
  • Understand that flexibility and the ability to adjust your expectations can contribute to a more fulfilling life.
  1. Self-Compassion:
  • Be kind to yourself. Understand that not everything will have a clear resolution, and that’s okay.
  • Avoid self-blame or excessive criticism, and recognize that everyone faces incomplete episodes in their lives.
  1. Future Orientation:
  • Focus on the opportunities and possibilities that lie ahead rather than dwelling on what didn’t work out.
  • Set new goals and aspirations that align with your values and contribute to your overall well-being.
  1. Connect with Others:
  • Share your thoughts and feelings with trusted friends, family, or a therapist.
  • Connecting with others can provide support, different perspectives, and a sense of community.
  1. Creative Expression:
  • Use creative outlets such as writing, art, or music to express your emotions and make sense of the incomplete episode.
  • Creative expression can be a powerful tool for self-discovery and healing.

Remember, the process of dealing with incomplete episodes is unique to each individual, and there is no one-size-fits-all solution.  It’s essential to be patient with yourself and allow time for healing and growth.

John Persico:  Back to my thoughts now. 

ddddddSuffice it to say, I am awestruck by the reply from ChatGPT.  She/he might just eliminate the need for many experts including pundits like me, psychiatrists, doctors, lawyers, professors, sociologists, psychologists and even you.  I am scratching my head as to what I can add about the subject that ChatGPT did not provide you.  I can tell you a story though that ChatGPT cannot concerning a major non-closure in my own life.  One episode among many that has left me with regrets.  I can also tell you that it is not always easy to get closure on incomplete episodes.  Many things can get in the way.  Perhaps the primary barriers either being the unwillingness of one party to try or to reciprocate an effort and of course our own egos.

My incomplete episode in a nutshell concerns a friend who I left behind.  As much as I admired this friend, I found that talking with him became more and more difficult.  It appeared to me that he was always looking to pick a fight or to insult me.  We drifted more and more apart in our politics and our views on life.  I did not want to engage in frequent arguments with him and to use the common vernacular I “ghosted” him.  I just avoided his calls and did not reach out to him anymore.  When I had a going away party, I did not invite him.

Adownload few years later, I decided to reach out to him again.  You can guess his reaction.  He was angry and insulting.  I decided to drop my effort.  Over the years, we have had some interactions by phone or email but nothing that has substantially reinvigorated our former friendship.  I am not sure whether he feels any loss, but I can honestly say that I miss him.  He had many good qualities and there were many times that we spent together that I fondly remember.  I have been the one over the past few years to try to reach out, but my efforts have gone nowhere.  At this point, I have decided that “people change” and that he is not the person that he once was.  This is a good excuse or rationale for my letting go and forgetting him.  You can no doubt pick many holes in my logic.

I tell you this story because advice such as ChatGPT has given is very good, but advice can only go so far to heal hurts and pains that we inflect on others.  ChatGPT does have one reference to forgiveness, but it really says very little about how we forgive others or forgive ourselves.  I know from personal experience that it is not an easy task.

So, what are our options?  To paraphrase Hamlet, Act III, Scene 1, Shakespeare:

“To seek closure or not?  Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them?  To die: to sleep; no more; and by a sleep to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to, ’tis a consummation devoutly to be wished.”

download fffI could point out that few things worth having ever come easy.  The problem is that too many of us grow up today with the fantasy that as the song in My Fair Lady goes, “With a little bit of luck, you can have it all.”  I grew up with a phrase that was popular in my neighborhood that went “He got the breaks.”  This meant basically that he/she got what they got cause they got lucky.  They did not have to work hard.  They did not have to practice.  They did not have to study.  They simply had to get the “Breaks.”  It took me years to realize the fallacy in thinking that luck has much to do with what one gets in life.  Two of my now favorites quotes are:

  • “The harder I work, the luckier I get.” — Thomas Jefferson
  • “Luck is where preparation meets opportunity.” — Samuel Goldwyn

1_ZLn1TTtTNK4AxQqTFVQe7AA life without closures will be a life not really lived well.  The more closures we can accomplish, the more satisfying our lives will be.  Perhaps only a life lived with closures can be a life lived without regrets.  We will all have regrets in our lives.  Our incomplete episodes are links in a chain that we forge as we go through life.  A key question is “how long do we want our chain to be?”  The more effort we make to complete these episodes, the shorter our chain will be, and I think the happier our lives will be.  Look at the incomplete episodes in your life today.  Which ones still cause you heartache and regrets.  Is it too late to do anything about them?  Would it be worth the effort?  What would it cost you to try?

A Different Point of View:  

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Many experts think looking for closure is a waste of time.  One comment I found was:

“The best closure is ridding yourself of whoever interferes with your happiness and focusing on the people and activities that bring happiness into your life.  So, is closure important?  Well, you have to decide that for yourself and on your own terms.  Maybe letting go is all the closure you really need.” 

For more on the above point of view, see “How Important Is It to Find Closure?”

Keep in mind that the closure mostly referred to in this article deals with people and relationships.  There are many other types of incomplete episodes in our lives where closure will need a different strategy.  For instance, if you feel inadequate because you never went to college.  Maybe it is not too late to go to college.  Or maybe you always wanted to learn scuba diving.  Maybe it is not too late to learn to dive.  Here are ten people who started things late in life and are now honored for their efforts:

  1. Laura Ingalls Wilder Publishes “Little House in the Big Woods” — 65 years old
  2. Benjamin Franklin Signs the “Declaration of Independence” — 70 years old
  3. Nelson Mandela Becomes President of South Africa — 77 years old
  4. Shigemi Hirata Obtains a BA Degree from Kyoto University —96 years old
  5. Gandhi and Granny D Walk for a Cause — 60 years old
  6. Grandma Moses Picks Up a Paintbrush — 78 years old
  7. Fauja Singh is still running marathons — 100 years old.
  8. John Goodenough wins a Nobel Prize in Chemistry — 97 years old
  9. Yuichiro Miura climbs Mount Everest — 80 years old
  10. Adriane Stewart a Professional Opera Singer — 92 years old

As we begin to enter a New Year of 2024.  I wish you all the best in the closures or completeness of episodes in your life that cause you regrets and pain.  Life is seldom easy.

 

 

 

 

Emotional Kindness or Physical Kindness: Which One Are You Good At?

24 Jul 2023 6 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , ,

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One of my favorite quotes is “What knowledge is there that is greater than kindness.”  When I first heard this thought, it literally rocked my universe.  I was brought up to believe that knowledge was the greatest treasure of all.  Knowledge was power.  Knowledge could make you a King or Queen or President.  Knowledge was everything.  Knowledge fed IQ and people with higher IQ’s were more successful than people with lower IQ’s.  Books were the source of knowledge.  Books were like Campbell Soup.  Knowledge condensed into a compact form.  All I had to do was open a book, read, and get knowledge that would make me smart and powerful.

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I completed my Ph.D.  I was the first one in my family to go to college let alone get a Ph.D.  After finishing my Ph.D. dissertation, I took the Mensa test and joined the organization.  I thought I had just about reached as high as possible in self-development.  I had two certificates to show how smart I was.  Then I heard about Emotional Intelligence (called EQ by Daniel Goldstein who pioneered the concept).  EQ surprised me because truth be told, I thought there was something still missing in in my life.  I had an IQ of 137 but my EQ was more like zero.  I did not have much compassion or sympathy for lazy people, stupid people, dishonest people and loads of people who did not live up to my expectations.  I decided that I needed to work on my EQ and downplay the role of IQ in my life.

I realized that as another famous quote goes “Knowledge helps you to make a living, but wisdom helps you to make a life.”  Wisdom is a combination of EQ and IQ and of course experience in living.  This is why Native Americans value the elders in their societies.  The elderly should have (but sadly often do not today) the experience and wisdom that can help guide the young.  I wanted to seek out more things that would help me to learn compassion and wisdom.  Over the years, my forty retreats, various support groups and readings have helped me to gain a better understanding of the need for EQ.  I thought I was doing well until just recently.

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Karen and I have had our quarrels and disagreements over the years.  They have become less frequent after three weekends at Marriage Encounters, numerous trips to a marriage counselor, and more “family meetings” than I can count.  We have now been married over 34 years and most of it very happy despite some rough spots.  I will honestly and humbly admit though that without some counseling and the three marriage encounter weekends we attended that we might not still be together.

funny-marriage-memes-233-5bbf13bd64cd6__700Nevertheless, we still have the occasional spat, and they usually leave us both feeling quite depressed and disappointed.  I am mostly disappointed with myself for not handing things well.  It seems I too often say things or discuss things very differently than we have agreed on.  We have found and used many models for dealing with conflict.  One of our favorites is the “DESC” model.  This stands for “Describe” what is happening in neutral terms.  Talk about how this makes you feel in terms of “Emotions.”  “Specify” what you would like to see happen differently.  Define what the “Consequences” will or could be for change.  Consequences are best provided that are positive, such as we will feel closer together.  When we stick to this model things seem to go well.  Our discussions stay on track and our resolutions come more effortlessly.  When we stray from the model, accusations and insinuations escalate and the discussion becomes difficult if not painful.

After one of our arguments the other day, I had a sudden insight that was the inspiration for this blog.  I have noticed that I try to do a lot of things for Karen.  I help her take her instruments to her music sessions.  I do a lot of the shopping.  I do dishes and laundry.  I help her in and out of the car.  I sometimes wonder how she could not feel totally loved.  She in turn does a lot of things for me but somehow, I often feel unloved.  Out of the blue, I realized that we both try to show our love by doing “things” for each other.  However, when it comes to emotional displays that show love, it seems harder for each of us.

My insight was that there are two kinds of kindness.  One I will call “Physical Kindness.”  Doing things that are physical and overt for another.  Taking the garbage out.  Cooking or baking the things that your partner loves.  Running errands for each other.  Giving nice gifts.  These are all examples of what I would call “Physical Kindness.”  I think I am very good at these things as is my spouse.

download (1)The other kind of kindness I will call “Emotional Kindness.”  This is not doing things but saying things either verbal or non-verbal that honor and appreciate the other person.  It respects their feelings more than their actions.  It might be “I love you” or it might be an appreciation of something the other person says or thinks.  It is building up the other person’s self-esteem and not putting down anything they might express or care about.

Upon more reflection, I could see that there are many times when I am not “Emotionally Kind.”  I ignore or miss opportunities for empathy and emotional support.  Telling someone that “When the going gets tough the tough get going” or “There is no try, there is only do or do not” are examples of my previous “emotional support.”  I should not have been surprised that Karen was never smitten by these suggestions.  Perhaps I should retire these two maxims from my lexicon.  I know I need to learn more varieties of Emotional Kindness.

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The lesson I have learned, and I hope that this blog somewhat illustrates is that kindness can take many forms.  I have talked about two that are salient to me now.  There is a good book worth reading called the “Five Love Languages.”  It is written by Gary Chapman.  This book teaches that there are several ways to transmit your feelings of love to others.  Just as different people have different preferences for how they learn, the same is true for love and kindness.  You must learn what the recipient of your intended love or kindness resonates with.  It is like finding the right channel on a radio.  You must dial it in correctly or you can not connect.

Happy, Happy, Happy

05 Jul 2023 12 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , ,

downloadA friend of mine once told me that you catch more flies with sugar than you do with vinegar.  Over the years, I have been told that I am too negative.  I have been labeled as a pessimist who more often sees the bad things in life rather than the good things.  I have been accused of being a skeptic and even a nihilist.  I have decided to turn over a new leaf.  I am determined to share more positive thoughts in my blogs.  I want you to see the world as a wonderful place full of joy and good will.  I was going to start my new focus next year, but I decided “why wait.”  “He who hesitates is lost.”  Thus, I give you the secret to living the life that I am sure you want to live.  Just BE:

Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy. Happy.  Happy. Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy. Happy.  Happy. Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy. Happy.  Happy. Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy. Happy.  Happy. Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy. Happy.  Happy. Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  download (2)Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy. Happy.  Happy. Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy. Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy. Happy.  Happy. Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy. Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy. Happy.  Happy. Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy. Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy. Happy.  Happy. Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy. Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy. Happy.  Happy. Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy. Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy. Happy.  Happy. Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy. Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy. Happy.  Happy. Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy. Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy. Happy.  Happy. Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy. Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy. Happy.  Happy. Happy.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy. Happy.

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There don’t you feel better now?

Are you renewing your relationships?

17 May 2023 2 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , ,

Wrote this thirteen years ago. Just as true today as it was 3000 years ago. Don’t forget to do the reflection questions.

Dr. John Persico Jr.'s avatarAging Capriciously

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And I think I will keep you here,
deep within my heart.
Today…tomorrow…forever…and a day! — (From “Forever and a Day”, by Cindy Heavican)

Songs can tell us a great deal about the feelings that are associated with time.  Forever and a day!  What a beautiful thought.  When we marry someone, our thoughts are like in this song.  Our hope is that our love and our happiness together will last long after our earthly bodies have withered away.  Poems and stories are full of tales of love that have somehow transcended time.  Some of these stories, like Romeo and Juliet, are now timeless themselves.

We would all like to think that our love will last forever and a day.  We marvel at those people for whom this seems to hold true. We may know a special couple who never seem to tire of each other and who are always loving…

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The Day I Met the Bar Room Bum

14 Jan 2023 20 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , ,

man-in-bar

I’m sitting in a bar feeling shitty about my life.  I have an average job.  I have an average looking wife and average kids.  I’m feeling shitty about myself as well.  I have accomplished nothing beyond average in my entire life.  I had once thought I was destined for greatness.  I dreamed that one day I would have the best-looking wife on the block and make more money than I could count.  None of my dreams have come to pass and I am now sitting here in this average bar nursing a cheap drink and wondering where I took the wrong turn.

Suddenly, the bar room door opens and in walks this seedy looking bum.  You know the type.  Long stringy hair, dirty clothes, smelly and unkempt.  He has probably not bathed in a month.  I hope he will not come and sit down next to me.  I know he will try to bum a drink.  If he does, I will tell him to go to hell.  I am not in the mood to shell out good money for some alcoholic bum.

Sure enough, he sits down next to me.  I give him the evil eye and he moves on down to the two guys sitting at the other end of the bar.   I watch some give and take between the bum and the other two drinkers.  They are shaking their heads and I assume telling him to get lost.  He walks back over to where I am sitting and takes a seat.

bum in bar

“Hey mister, can you buy me a drink.”  “Get lost”, I say, “I’m not a charity for bar bums.”  “How about some compassion for someone’s who’s down on their luck.” “You want compassion” I reply, “go visit a priest.”

“What if I could tell you a story that would profoundly change your life” says the bum. “Would that change your mind?”  “Tell you what” I say, “you tell me the story and if it profoundly changes my life, I’ll buy you a drink.”   I expect this will get rid of the bum but instead he agrees to my terms.  “Deal” he intones in a low soft voice.

“My name is Mike.  Twenty years ago, I graduated from Harvard University with a degree in law.  I had the highest GPA average in my graduation class.  At least five major law firms in Boston attempted to recruit me.  I took the one that offered me the most money.  I received a high six-digit salary.

Happy man enjoying the rain of money

I bought five of the best suits I could find.  I purchased a Porsche Carrera GT and a penthouse with a view of the Boston harbor.

I was assigned easy cases at first.  We represented the big corporations in their lawsuits.  Most of these were by disgruntled employees, whistle blowers and private citizens.  I killed each of them.  I was assigned bigger and bigger cases.  The amounts contested often ran into the hundreds of millions of dollars.  Many of the cases involved issues of sexual harassment, environmental degradation and fraud.  I never lost a case.  My corporate clients were ecstatic.  I was the go to guy for any high profile big buck lawsuit in the nation.

My life was a dream.  I made more and more money.  My salary was now in the seven digits with my bonuses and gratuities from my clients.   I was invited to celebrity parties and the super exclusive country clubs of the rich.

I was tall dark and handsome.  I worked out six days a week in the gym and I had a body that was the envy of any guy in the firm.  The woman all drooled when I walked by.  I bought a bigger penthouse and added a Ferrari 458 Spider to my car collection.  The car was given to me by a grateful client.

One day at the office, the firm’s owner and founder introduced me to his daughter Ashley.  She was a knockout.  She was a former Miss College USA.  She was tall blonde and statuesque.  She had the face of any angel.  Sadly, she did not have the brains to match her looks.

I was polite to her but made no obvious overtures to show that I was interested.  She did not really care as just about every other male and even some female lawyers were thinking about how to get in bed with her.  I decided to pretend to ignore her.

We had a Christmas party at the firm later that year.  It was held at the Boston Harbor Hotel.  I saw Ashley and she was surrounded by a bunch of our lawyers each trying to impress her.  I decided this was a good time to throw my hat in the ring.  I joined the conversation and soon showed how stupid most of my competition was.  Each one in turn drifted away so that only Ashley and I were left talking.  I went to the bar and returned with another drink for Ashley and myself.  We talked for another half hour or so and I made my move.

couple

I invited Ashley up to my penthouse for a night cap.  In no time at all, she was in my bed.  I am not bragging when I say that not only did we go at it all night, but I called in to cancel appointments the next day and we spent the entire next day in bed going at it like deprived bunny rabbits.

As I said before, she was not the brightest light bulb in the pack but I figured where I was going, it would be good to have a looker like her as my wife.  A few months later in what was one of the Boston social events of the year we were married.  We moved into a new house in Back Bay.

I eventually left the law firm and started my own firm.  Some of the old firm’s clients went with me and I was now making more money than ever.  I worked seven days and week.  I was busy many evenings and did not bother coming home.  I bought a penthouse near my new office in Boston and brought my mistresses up there whenever I had an overnight.  I had hired several very good-looking paralegals to work for me and some of them were more than happy to help keep me warm at night.

Ashley started talking about having children and how she wished I could do more things with her.  I had no intention of doing either.  Why spoil a good thing?

woman on top sexuallyA few more months went by and one day I decided to come home from work early.  As I entered my house, I heard screams coming from upstairs.  I went to a desk and grabbed a loaded Colt Commander 45 ACP that I kept ready for emergencies.  I feared that Ashley was being attacked by some unknown intruder.  I ran up the stairs and into our bedroom.  There on the bed was Ashley and one of the young lawyers from my old law firm.  They were both nude and she was on top of him riding him like a bucking bronco.  What I thought were screams of pain were screams of ecstasy.  I had never heard anything like that from Ashley during our entire marriage.

She turned to look at me but did not break a beat in her rhythm.  The only thing she said was “Get out.  I want a divorce.”  I vacillated between shooting one or both of them but decided that my better course of action was to leave.  On the way out, I heard her say very loudly “Take off that damn condom, I want you to come inside of me.”

I packed some stuff and moved into my penthouse apartment.  I really did not give a damn if she left me.  At the time, I assumed I would be out some alimony but that would-be pennies compared to what I was making.  A week or so later, I received a letter from my father-in-law.  He informed me that not only would my old law firm be suing me for spousal neglect but I would be sued 150 million dollars for violating the terms of my contract when I had left his law firm.  Somewhere in the fine print of my contract, it had specified that I could not work with any of the firm’s clients for a period of five years upon terminating my employment.

The court convened for my trial a few weeks later.  Ashley showed up for the trial.  She sat with her lover on the plaintiff’s side of the court and glared at me the entire trial.  I lost on all counts.  I was told that I would have to pay 5 million dollars in restitution and was disbarred from practicing law for ten years following the date of the trial.  I lost everything.  My house, my cars, my penthouse apartment, my jewelry and my career.  Between my ex-father-in-law and my ex-wife, I was broke.  The only friend I had left in the world was Johnny Walker Blue Label and I could not even afford that anymore.

I took up drinking cheap whiskey.  It has been five years now since the trial.  I have five more years to go before I can practice law again.  I know that I am an alcoholic bum but can you blame me?  I told you that there would be a life changing moral in this story for you but before I give it to you, I want my drink.”

Mike had concluded his story.  I wondered what the life changing moral would be.  I had some ideas but curiosity got the better of me.  I decided to buy him his drink and let him finish his tale of woe.

“Bartender” I called, “bring my friend here a shot of Johnny Walker Scotch.”  The Scotch was quickly downed by Mike with a look of joy and ecstasy on his face that would be hard to describe.

“Okay”, Mike began “I have had many years to reflect on my life and where it went wrong.  I also know that not a man alive would at some point in their life not have been envious of mine.  The sad part and the moral is that we all want things that we think will make us happy when the real happiness is what we have inside and what we bring to life, not what life brings to us.”  With these last words of wisdom, Mike got off his bar stool and went out the same way he came in.  I never saw him again.

I sat for an hour or so after he left thinking about what he had said.  Just a few minutes before he had entered the bar, I was bemoaning my sorry life and denigrating my family.  I decided to go home and hug my wife and kids.

Happy family in front of house

Many years have past since I met Mike.  My life is pretty much the same as it was before I met him, except that I have never been happier.  My wife is beautiful and my kids are beautiful.  I would not trade my life for all the money in the world.

Time for Questions:

Do you appreciate what you have?  What does it take to make us happy?  Is money an essential element of happiness?  What if you had no money, could you still be happy?  What is the most important person or thing in your life?  Why?

Life is just beginning.

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.” — Melody Beattie

Tracking the “Time” of Your Life

31 Aug 2022 4 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , ,

time-tracker

Keeping track of time! Marking your days. Marking your weeks and months. Keeping a daily or monthly calendar. Keeping a diary. There are many ways we can keep track of our time. Some think it is a key to managing a successful life. Time flies when you are having too much fun but tracking time helps insure that we use our time wisely or does it? There are few things that are unambiguously good. Most of what we do has pros and cons or unintended consequences.  Is this true with tracking our time?

412BOkJrofL._SX351_BO1,204,203,200_The concept of tracking time brings forth images of tracking some wild beast in the woods. Deer, moose, bear, cougars, tigers all leave very distinctive tracks. Time also leaves distinctive tracts. Time leaves physical as well as emotional tracks on all of us. Not to mention the tracks that time leaves on the environment. Emotional tracks are evident in the greater cautiousness and fears that we have as we age. From experience, once burned, we no longer want to get so close to the flame. Indeed, many of us will not even go near the fire again. Divorce, rejection, death, pain all leave emotional scars. For some of us they may never quite heal. Physical tracks show up as lines, creases, joint aches, hair thinning, broken bones and disease. I often joke that physically I am aging more like cheese then a fine wine. I am getting squishier and somewhat moldy around the edges.

downloadPerhaps you see the idea of “tracking time” through a different lens. Maybe you have a need to track your minutes and seconds each day, a twist on tracking your dollars and cents. Perhaps, if you watch your time carefully, you may have more of it. Mark down your time spent each day in an Excel spreadsheet and carefully log your corresponding activities. This last task seems somewhat obsessive to me even though I am often accused of being a Type A personality. I once worked at a job where I was required to check my work in fifteen minute intervals each day and log what I was doing during each interval. After I left this company, I decided I would never again work for anyone where I had to justify myself at this level of detail. It was simply an exercise in obsessive control and domination.

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Type A personalities are supposed to be more compulsive and more aggressive than Type B personalities. Are type A personalities more prone to track their time? Are Type B personalities more prone to go with the flow? Do Type B people live more moment to moment? Are you a Type A or Type B personality? Do you go with the flow or do you track your time? Regarding the physical and emotional tracks that time leaves, how have you fared? What emotional tracks has time left in your life? What physical tracks do you see time making for you? Where are you headed now?

The 1st of Gandhi’s Seven Social Sins: Wealth without Work.

12 Aug 2022 29 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

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The Seven Social Sins is a list created by Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi in 1925.  He published this list in his weekly newspaper “Young India” on October 22, 1925.  Later he gave this same list to his grandson, Arun Gandhi on their final day together shortly before his assassination.  The Seven Sins are:

  1. Wealth without work.
  2. Pleasure without conscience.
  3. Knowledge without character.
  4. Commerce without morality.
  5. Science without humanity.
  6. Religion without sacrifice.
  7. Politics without principle.

I wrote a blog for each of Gandhi’s “sins” about ten years ago.  The blogs seemed to be quite popular with my readers.  I am going to update and repost each of the Seven Sins for the next few weeks.  Karen and I are making some major changes in our living arrangements and I probably will not find the time to write much new material.  I am reposting these because they still seem to be quite relevant in these challenging and chaotic times.

Wealth Without Work:  The First of Gandhi’s Seven Social Sins

Once upon a time in this great country, a model for attaining wealth and a set of rules to accomplish this objective stemmed from 3 basic beliefs.  These were:

  1. You worked hard, long and industriously.
  2. You attained as much education as you could absorb and afford.
  3. You treated all of your engagements with absolute honesty and scrupulousness.

Somewhere during the later 20th Century these 3 Cardinal beliefs (Above) about attaining great wealth were replaced by the following beliefs:

  1. Wealth can be attained at a gambling casino or by winning a lottery if you are lucky enough.
  2. Wealth can be attained by suing someone and with the help of a lawyer who will thereby gain a percentage of your lawsuit.
  3. Wealth can be attained by finding some means of acquiring a government handout for the remainder of your life.

Admittedly, not all Americans subscribe to the second set of beliefs and fortunately there are many who still subscribe to the first. Nevertheless, I think you would be hard pressed to argue that gambling, casinos, government handouts and lawsuits have not multiplied exponentially over the past fifty years.  The following are some charts which I think illustrate my points rather graphically.

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The nature of human beings is to want things fast and with a minimum of effort.  This is normal and not to be thought of as deviant or unusual.  However, as we age and develop more self-control and wisdom over our daily affairs, we learn to temper our desire for instant gratification with a more mature perspective.  Noted quality guru, Dr. W. E. Deming maintained that people wanted “Instant Pudding.”  For Deming this meant, change without effort, quality without work and cost improvements overnight.  Added together, “Instant Pudding” was Dr. Deming’s metaphor for the desire to obtain results with a minimum investment of time and energy.  Dr. Deming continually warned his clients that there was no “Instant Pudding” and change would take years of hard work and could not be accomplished without continued dedication and focus.

Unfortunately, our media and even schools today seem to emphasize the possibility of achieving success and wealth overnight.  Sports stars are depicted as suddenly being offered incredible contracts.  Movie stars are shown as going from unknown to overnight fame and fortune.  Singers and musicians seem to suddenly achieve fame despite being barely out of their teens and in many cases barely into their teens.  It would appear that everywhere we look fame, fortune and success happen overnight.  All it takes is to be discovered. This might happen if you can get on American Idol or be found by the right booking agent or obtain a guest appearance on a celebrity TV show.  In some cases, all it takes is the right YouTube video to accomplish overnight success.  One day PSI was an unknown Korean musician and in a few short weeks, he was celebrating success by a dinner in the White House and appearing at the Times Square New Year’s Eve celebration.  How can anyone dispute that all that is needed for fame and fortune is to be in the right place at the right time?

You may be asking “yes, but what exactly did Gandhi mean by this “sin?”  The M. K. Gandhi Institute for Nonviolence gives the following explanation:

“Wealth Without Work: This includes playing the stock market; gambling; sweat-shop slavery; over-estimating one’s worth, like some heads of corporations drawing exorbitant salaries which are not always commensurate with the work they do.  Gandhi’s idea originates from the ancient Indian practice of Tenant Farmers.  The poor were made to slog on the farms while the rich raked in the profits.  With capitalism and materialism spreading so rampantly around the world the grey area between an honest day’s hard work and sitting back and profiting from other people’s labor is growing wider.  To conserve the resources of the world and share these resources equitably with all so that everyone can aspire to a good standard of living, Gandhi believed people should take only as much as they honestly need.  The United States provides a typical example.  The country spends an estimated $200 billion a year on manufacturing cigarettes, alcohol and allied products which harm people’s health.  What the country spends in terms of providing medical and research facilities to provide and find cures for health hazards caused by over-indulgence in tobacco and alcohol is mind-blowing.” ‘There is enough for everyone’s need but not for everyone’s greed’, Gandhi said.

There is a visual problem here that perhaps underlies much of the current thinking about success.  The media loves to trumpet short success stories that will grab anyone’s attention. We are constantly bombarded with headlines such as:

Each of these sites (click on to hyperlink to the actual site) promises you overnight success or at least success in a much shorter time span than is realistic.  These ads are in the news, checkout stands, on TV and just about anywhere you turn around.  The constant daily bombardment of such ads creates a zeitgeist in which overnight success not only seems to be possible; but it actually seems to be the norm.  If you are not an overnight success, if you cannot become rich in days rather than years, if you contemplate a life of hard work to attain your fame and fortune, than something is wrong with you.  Anyone subscribing to the first 3 sets of beliefs I mentioned in the opening is a peculiar species today.  The most common belief about success in the new millennium can be summed up as:

I don’t have time to wait. I don’t have the patience to wait.  I don’t want to spend my life waiting.  I am entitled to success now.  Why should I have to wait?  I am as good as any of these rich successful people. If only everyone could see how good I really am, I would get the fame and fortune I deserve now.  If you expect me to shut up and work hard, I will leave and go elsewhere.  You need me more than I need you.

I believe that Gandhi and many of my generation would find such ideas very peculiar not to mention that they contradict certain universal principles.  Every time I hear of a new terrorist attack in this country or a new massacre at some workplace, I wonder how much the instigator was influenced by his or her desire for overnight fame and fortune.  In some bizarre out-of-this-world thinking, these maniacs equate their picture on page one of the news with a sort of glory that is accomplished by their bizarre and cruel rampage.  The more they kill or maim, the greater they think their glory will be.  We can look for all the “reasons” why but we will never find any “good” reasons for anyone to take such anti-social actions against others.  The paradox is that often the very people they hate are the ones they wanted attention or recognition from.

Ok, time for questions:

Have you raised your children to believe in hard work?  Are you one of the parents who want to make sure their kids have it easy?  How do you know how much hard work is enough?  Do you think you are entitled to success because you work hard?  What other factors play a role in success?  Is it fair that some people do not seem to have to work hard and yet still reap big rewards?  Do people today have it too easy compared to the immigrants that founded this country?

Life is just beginning.

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