One’s life might be viewed as a series of episodes. Each episode is an animated picture or story with a beginning, middle and conclusion. Most of the episodes in our lives follow this pattern. However, there are some that do not. The ones that do not generally lack a conclusion. These are the “incomplete” episodes that I referred to in the title to this blog. Things that we started but never finished. Places we wanted to go but never did. People we wanted to meet but did not. Perhaps even more importantly, who we wanted to become but never did.
Before giving my somewhat prosaic opinions of this topic, I decided to query ChatGPT to see what it would say about the subject. I used the following query:
How does one deal with the incomplete episodes in our lives?
Here is the entire response that ChatGPT gave. Some good food for thought which I would like to later elaborate on. It (I don’t know whether to say he or she), and It seems too impersonal. Anyway, ChatGPT gave the following ten answers. I list these just as he/she gave them. Any typos belong to ChatGPT. 😊
ChatGPT
Dealing with incomplete episodes in our lives can be challenging, as it often involves facing uncertainty, unmet expectations, or unresolved issues. Here are some strategies to help you navigate through such situations:
- Acceptance:
- Acknowledge that life is full of incomplete episodes, and not everything can be neatly resolved or concluded.
- Embrace the uncertainty and imperfection inherent in the human experience.
- Mindfulness:
- Practice mindfulness to stay present in the moment rather than dwelling on the past or worrying about the future.
- Focus on what you can control and let go of things beyond your control.
- Learn from the Experience:
- Reflect on the incomplete episode and identify any lessons or insights it may offer.
- Consider how you can grow and develop as a person through the experiences, even if they are not fully resolved.
- Gratitude:
- Cultivate a sense of gratitude for the positive aspects of the experience, even if it didn’t unfold as expected.
- Recognize the value in the journey itself, rather than solely focusing on the destination.
- Seek Closure if Possible:
- If the incomplete episode involves relationships or unresolved issues, consider whether seeking closure is feasible and healthy.
- This might involve open communication, forgiveness, or finding a resolution that allows you to move forward.
- Adaptability:
- Develop adaptability and resilience to cope with life’s uncertainties.
- Understand that flexibility and the ability to adjust your expectations can contribute to a more fulfilling life.
- Self-Compassion:
- Be kind to yourself. Understand that not everything will have a clear resolution, and that’s okay.
- Avoid self-blame or excessive criticism, and recognize that everyone faces incomplete episodes in their lives.
- Future Orientation:
- Focus on the opportunities and possibilities that lie ahead rather than dwelling on what didn’t work out.
- Set new goals and aspirations that align with your values and contribute to your overall well-being.
- Connect with Others:
- Share your thoughts and feelings with trusted friends, family, or a therapist.
- Connecting with others can provide support, different perspectives, and a sense of community.
- Creative Expression:
- Use creative outlets such as writing, art, or music to express your emotions and make sense of the incomplete episode.
- Creative expression can be a powerful tool for self-discovery and healing.
Remember, the process of dealing with incomplete episodes is unique to each individual, and there is no one-size-fits-all solution. It’s essential to be patient with yourself and allow time for healing and growth.
John Persico: Back to my thoughts now.
Suffice it to say, I am awestruck by the reply from ChatGPT. She/he might just eliminate the need for many experts including pundits like me, psychiatrists, doctors, lawyers, professors, sociologists, psychologists and even you. I am scratching my head as to what I can add about the subject that ChatGPT did not provide you. I can tell you a story though that ChatGPT cannot concerning a major non-closure in my own life. One episode among many that has left me with regrets. I can also tell you that it is not always easy to get closure on incomplete episodes. Many things can get in the way. Perhaps the primary barriers either being the unwillingness of one party to try or to reciprocate an effort and of course our own egos.
My incomplete episode in a nutshell concerns a friend who I left behind. As much as I admired this friend, I found that talking with him became more and more difficult. It appeared to me that he was always looking to pick a fight or to insult me. We drifted more and more apart in our politics and our views on life. I did not want to engage in frequent arguments with him and to use the common vernacular I “ghosted” him. I just avoided his calls and did not reach out to him anymore. When I had a going away party, I did not invite him.
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few years later, I decided to reach out to him again. You can guess his reaction. He was angry and insulting. I decided to drop my effort. Over the years, we have had some interactions by phone or email but nothing that has substantially reinvigorated our former friendship. I am not sure whether he feels any loss, but I can honestly say that I miss him. He had many good qualities and there were many times that we spent together that I fondly remember. I have been the one over the past few years to try to reach out, but my efforts have gone nowhere. At this point, I have decided that “people change” and that he is not the person that he once was. This is a good excuse or rationale for my letting go and forgetting him. You can no doubt pick many holes in my logic.
I tell you this story because advice such as ChatGPT has given is very good, but advice can only go so far to heal hurts and pains that we inflect on others. ChatGPT does have one reference to forgiveness, but it really says very little about how we forgive others or forgive ourselves. I know from personal experience that it is not an easy task.
So, what are our options? To paraphrase Hamlet, Act III, Scene 1, Shakespeare:
“To seek closure or not? Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them? To die: to sleep; no more; and by a sleep to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to, ’tis a consummation devoutly to be wished.”
I could point out that few things worth having ever come easy. The problem is that too many of us grow up today with the fantasy that as the song in My Fair Lady goes, “With a little bit of luck, you can have it all.” I grew up with a phrase that was popular in my neighborhood that went “He got the breaks.” This meant basically that he/she got what they got cause they got lucky. They did not have to work hard. They did not have to practice. They did not have to study. They simply had to get the “Breaks.” It took me years to realize the fallacy in thinking that luck has much to do with what one gets in life. Two of my now favorites quotes are:
- “The harder I work, the luckier I get.” — Thomas Jefferson
- “Luck is where preparation meets opportunity.” — Samuel Goldwyn
A life without closures will be a life not really lived well. The more closures we can accomplish, the more satisfying our lives will be. Perhaps only a life lived with closures can be a life lived without regrets. We will all have regrets in our lives. Our incomplete episodes are links in a chain that we forge as we go through life. A key question is “how long do we want our chain to be?” The more effort we make to complete these episodes, the shorter our chain will be, and I think the happier our lives will be. Look at the incomplete episodes in your life today. Which ones still cause you heartache and regrets. Is it too late to do anything about them? Would it be worth the effort? What would it cost you to try?
A Different Point of View:
Many experts think looking for closure is a waste of time. One comment I found was:
“The best closure is ridding yourself of whoever interferes with your happiness and focusing on the people and activities that bring happiness into your life. So, is closure important? Well, you have to decide that for yourself and on your own terms. Maybe letting go is all the closure you really need.”
For more on the above point of view, see “How Important Is It to Find Closure?”
Keep in mind that the closure mostly referred to in this article deals with people and relationships. There are many other types of incomplete episodes in our lives where closure will need a different strategy. For instance, if you feel inadequate because you never went to college. Maybe it is not too late to go to college. Or maybe you always wanted to learn scuba diving. Maybe it is not too late to learn to dive. Here are ten people who started things late in life and are now honored for their efforts:
- Laura Ingalls Wilder Publishes “Little House in the Big Woods” — 65 years old
- Benjamin Franklin Signs the “Declaration of Independence” — 70 years old
- Nelson Mandela Becomes President of South Africa — 77 years old
- Shigemi Hirata Obtains a BA Degree from Kyoto University —96 years old
- Gandhi and Granny D Walk for a Cause — 60 years old
- Grandma Moses Picks Up a Paintbrush — 78 years old
- Fauja Singh is still running marathons — 100 years old.
- John Goodenough wins a Nobel Prize in Chemistry — 97 years old
- Yuichiro Miura climbs Mount Everest — 80 years old
- Adriane Stewart a Professional Opera Singer — 92 years old
As we begin to enter a New Year of 2024. I wish you all the best in the closures or completeness of episodes in your life that cause you regrets and pain. Life is seldom easy.
Nevertheless, we still have the occasional spat, and they usually leave us both feeling quite depressed and disappointed. I am mostly disappointed with myself for not handing things well. It seems I too often say things or discuss things very differently than we have agreed on. We have found and used many models for dealing with conflict. One of our favorites is the “DESC” model. This stands for “Describe” what is happening in neutral terms. Talk about how this makes you feel in terms of “Emotions.” “Specify” what you would like to see happen differently. Define what the “Consequences” will or could be for change. Consequences are best provided that are positive, such as we will feel closer together. When we stick to this model things seem to go well. Our discussions stay on track and our resolutions come more effortlessly. When we stray from the model, accusations and insinuations escalate and the discussion becomes difficult if not painful.
The other kind of kindness I will call “Emotional Kindness.” This is not doing things but saying things either verbal or non-verbal that honor and appreciate the other person. It respects their feelings more than their actions. It might be “I love you” or it might be an appreciation of something the other person says or thinks. It is building up the other person’s self-esteem and not putting down anything they might express or care about.
A friend of mine once told me that you catch more flies with sugar than you do with vinegar. Over the years, I have been told that I am too negative. I have been labeled as a pessimist who more often sees the bad things in life rather than the good things. I have been accused of being a skeptic and even a nihilist. I have decided to turn over a new leaf. I am determined to share more positive thoughts in my blogs. I want you to see the world as a wonderful place full of joy and good will. I was going to start my new focus next year, but I decided “why wait.” “He who hesitates is lost.” Thus, I give you the secret to living the life that I am sure you want to live. Just BE:
Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy.
A few more months went by and one day I decided to come home from work early. As I entered my house, I heard screams coming from upstairs. I went to a desk and grabbed a loaded Colt Commander 45 ACP that I kept ready for emergencies. I feared that Ashley was being attacked by some unknown intruder. I ran up the stairs and into our bedroom. There on the bed was Ashley and one of the young lawyers from my old law firm. They were both nude and she was on top of him riding him like a bucking bronco. What I thought were screams of pain were screams of ecstasy. I had never heard anything like that from Ashley during our entire marriage.
The concept of tracking time brings forth images of tracking some wild beast in the woods. Deer, moose, bear, cougars, tigers all leave very distinctive tracks. Time also leaves distinctive tracts. Time leaves physical as well as emotional tracks on all of us. Not to mention the tracks that time leaves on the environment. Emotional tracks are evident in the greater cautiousness and fears that we have as we age. From experience, once burned, we no longer want to get so close to the flame. Indeed, many of us will not even go near the fire again. Divorce, rejection, death, pain all leave emotional scars. For some of us they may never quite heal. Physical tracks show up as lines, creases, joint aches, hair thinning, broken bones and disease. I often joke that physically I am aging more like cheese then a fine wine. I am getting squishier and somewhat moldy around the edges.
Perhaps you see the idea of “tracking time” through a different lens. Maybe you have a need to track your minutes and seconds each day, a twist on tracking your dollars and cents. Perhaps, if you watch your time carefully, you may have more of it. Mark down your time spent each day in an Excel spreadsheet and carefully log your corresponding activities. This last task seems somewhat obsessive to me even though I am often accused of being a Type A personality. I once worked at a job where I was required to check my work in fifteen minute intervals each day and log what I was doing during each interval. After I left this company, I decided I would never again work for anyone where I had to justify myself at this level of detail. It was simply an exercise in obsessive control and domination.
Before you go off on a binge of happiness and celebrations, think for a minute what a positive answer to these questions might mean. There are still expectations and assumptions associated with any answer to the above questions. You assume that if you won the lottery, that you would not have to worry about paying bills, buying things you want etc. You assume that if you found true love, it would last forever and forever. You assume that finding meaning and purpose would bring you happiness. To all of these possibilities, I say maybe. You still have many choices and outcomes to each of these scenarios. These choices can leave us just as captive to our desires and wants as any of our responses to the “negative” “what ifs.”
My conclusion is that “What ifs” are intellectually amusing as a past-time but as for practical value they are close to useless. Seldom will you ever get to apply a solution to a “What if.” The possibility of something in real life happening exactly like it did the first time is less than the chance of finding identical snowflakes or fingerprints. Heraclitus, a Greek philosopher born in 544 B.C. said, “No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.” Those who forget the past may be condemned to repeat it, but the past will never be the same again. Living requires adaptability and resilience.
Meaning and purpose are Yin and Yang to each other. Purpose is outside you and is what you do in the world. For me purpose involves doing. Meaning is inside you and what you do for yourself. Meaning involves being rather than doing. Let’s use a running race as an example.
Meaning in my dictionary is about living up to my potential, my values and my beliefs by doing the best I can each day to be consistent with them. No one may ever know if I am being kind, compassionate or patient today. You cannot see the inner virtues that I want to live by. I am the only person at the end of each day who can judge whether or not my life had any meaning today. If I can be the best person that I want to be each day, I will die feeling that my life had meaning. To the rest of the world, I may just be another old teacher, old veteran or old guy who lived an average life and died at an average age. Meaning to me is about being and not doing.
If I answer, I want to be rich, my meaning in life will be defined by how I go about becoming rich and what I do with my money. If I want to be a writer, my meaning will be defined by what I write and how I go about the writing process. If I want to be happy, my meaning in life will be defined by how I go about achieving happiness. No one except me can judge how I define myself. People may say that I am not very rich or that I am not a very good writer, but it is what I believe about myself which will define my meaning in life. Vincent Van Gogh is now widely regarded as one of the greatest painters of all time. His paintings sell for millions of dollars. However, in his lifetime, he sold only one painting. It was to his sister-in-law who felt sorry for him.
“What am I in the eyes of most people — a nonentity, an eccentric, or an unpleasant person — somebody who has no position in society and will never have; in short, the lowest of the low. All right, then — even if that were absolutely true, then I should one day like to show by my work what such an eccentric, such a nobody, has in his heart. That is my ambition, based less on resentment than on love in spite of everything, based more on a feeling of serenity than on passion. Though I am often in the depths of misery, there is still calmness, pure harmony and music inside me. I see paintings or drawings in the poorest cottages, in the dirtiest corners. And my mind is driven towards these things with an irresistible momentum.” — 
I conclude with the consideration that Meaning and Purpose may not be everyone’s cup of tea. I confess that it was much later in my life and many hurdles had been taken and many obstacles overcome before I started caring about the meaning and purpose of life. Now I look back and shake my head with some sorrow that I did not grasp their import on life when I was in my teens. A have learned that a life without meaning and purpose is not a life, it is just living.
Aging Capriciously 