
Most men I know when you start talking about death and dying usually say that they hope they die before their partner. The motive is quite obvious. Who wants to be alone. There is almost nothing worse than loneliness for human beings.
Now imagine spending forty or fifty years living with someone. You eat together, sleep together, travel together, make love together, raise children together, work together, talk together, and laugh together. This goes on for year after year. In a happy marriage or partnership, the relationship is one of joy and delight.
Now suddenly your partner for one reason or another is gone. She or he passes away. You come back to your home after the funeral and well-wishers have left, and you are now alone. You are more alone than you have ever been in your entire life. You go from room to room and no one else is there. The bedroom is empty. The kitchen is empty. The living room is empty. You notice the picture of you and your spouse at your anniversary party hanging on the wall. It brings back memories and tears. Every day for many days, objects, thoughts, and reflections will bring back good times and bad times that you shared with your lover. You will reflect over and over again about these past times. No doubt you will feel remorse about some things that you did and wish you could undo. You will also miss the fun things that you enjoyed together and the many good times that you had together.
The above scenario is very sad. But there is one way you can avoid it. You can pray that you pass away before your spouse or partner or loved one does. Leave the planet earth sooner than they do and avoid the pain and heartache that comes with the death of your beloved. This is the solution that I have hoped for many times. I have always planned to leave my wife financially well off so that when I do go to the vast beyond, she can continue to live a happy life. I thought this sounded like a grand plan until the following incident occurred. It left me feeling selfish and self-centered.

It all began with a mission retreat that Karen and I started going on several years ago. A good friend organizes the trip twice a year to bring food and needed items to an orphanage in Sonoita, Mexico and a Saint Vincent de Paul center in Puerto Penasco, Mexico. We have as many as 15 cars in an auto caravan bringing items down. Volunteers from Casa Grande, Eloy, and Arizona City (many from local churches as well as friends of Evelia) will join the caravan each year. We typically leave on a Friday and come back on a Monday. While down in Mexico, we stay at Puerto Penasco and enjoy the beach, ocean, and seafood for a few days before coming back across the border.
Each evening after dinner, we enjoy food, dancing, and music at the Playa Bonita restaurant. It is right on the beach and while enjoying shrimp cocktails, we watch the most beautiful sunsets I have seen anywhere. As night falls, a band or singer will begin entertaining our group. Evalia loves to dance and will make sure that we all have a spin with her on the dance floor. The dance floor is outside where we eat. Almost always the weather is balmy and comfortable. Infrequently one might need a shawl or a sweater but an active time on the dance floor will mitigate any night chills.

One night after dinner and drinks, three of us, Steve, Alexandro, and myself decided to go sip some tequila and smoke some cigars where it would not impose on anyone’s sense of smell. We typically go out to the back of the restaurant. There are a few round tables there and it is quite secluded.

Steve is Evelia’s son, and he often comes on the mission tours. He is a real nice guy who was studying to be a deacon in the Catholic Church. He married an Italian woman who is a medical doctor but after several years of trying she has been unable to acquire a permanent work visa for the USA. Steve and Julia now reside in two countries. Steve in the USA and Julia in Italy. They reunite frequently in either Italy or the USA. I think it is Steve’s plan to eventually join Julia in Italy. Steve owns a management consultant firm and does not want to retire yet.
I had never met Alexandro before. This was his first time on a mission retreat, and I never saw him again after this night. We did some brief introductions, shared the bottle of tequila, and lit our cigars. We chatted about the usual subjects, politics, wives, sports etc. As the conversation became deeper and more serious, we started talking about aging and the impacts it was having on each of our lives.
Alexandro told us that his wife was an invalid and severely disabled. She required considerable medical care. He was the primary caregiver as they had no provision for medical assistance in the home. It was evident form our conversation that Alexandro spent a large amount of time and effort in providing compassionate care for his wife.
I began thinking about how much love we all seemed to have for our spouses. I started thinking about what I would do without Karen who provides so much compassion for me when I am sick or when I need support. I could not imagine a life without her. I stated emphatically that I hoped I did not ever have to deal with a life alone. It was my desire to die first to avoid the pain of heartache and loneliness.
Alexandro spoke up and his words surprised me. He said, “I hope my wife dies first.” I could not believe what I had just heard. My immediate thought was “What a selfish bastard! He wants his wife to die before he dies so that he will not have to take care of her anymore or deal with her problems.” I remained silent for a minute or so while I wondered how any person could be so heartless. My curiosity finally got the better of me and I asked Alexandro “Why do you want your wife to die first?” He replied “My wife needs so much care and there is no one else around who could provide enough care for her. I do not want to think of her alone and without me to provide the care.”

I heard Alexandro’s explanation and suddenly I was inundated by a tsunami of guilt and an earthquake of self-reproach. How could I have thought so miserably of a man with so much character that he would sacrifice himself for his spouse? On the other hand, how could I be so selfish that all I could think of was that I wanted to die first to avoid the feelings of loneliness and heartache that accompany the death of a loved one.
I sat speechless for quite a while as I reflected on my thoughts about what I had just heard. Never before had I heard anyone say anything like Alexandro did. It never occurred to me that my life and my feelings are not the hub of the universe. The sun does not rise and set by how I feel or how I should feel. “Compassion literally means “to suffer together.” When we are confronted with the suffering of another, it means that we will take steps to help relieve that suffering. Perhaps suffering for another person may not mean dying for them, perhaps it means living for them.



I’d like to think when life is done,
I asked her if she had any idea what she could do. She replied that she did not. I suggested that she take an employment aptitude test to see what kinds of work she might find interesting. It was all very theoretical to me, but I could not imagine what kind of work I could find for her in the local area that would pay enough for her to live on. She did not have any current job experience and no goals for a career. The aptitude test was simply an effort to do something even though I did not believe that I could help her much.






Some of you are already thinking that this description has gone too far. The reality of sexual practices throughout the world would astound most individuals. There are those who believe that some sex is right, and some sex is wrong. If there is a right and wrong when it comes to sex, the question is not easily answered. The seasons of sex, the regions of sex and the individual capabilities all noted above will determine what is considered right and wrong sex.
On the other hand, I read widely. I think a great deal about things and what constitutes right and wrong. I have been to 34 countries. I am old enough to have seen many things that work and many things that do not work. I have had friends from many cultural and ethnic backgrounds. I am not unduly influenced by religious, cultural, or even some legal restrictions governing sex. As for the legal aspects, I believe in the protection of young children from pedophiles and other exploiters. However, I have long believed in the right of people to choose their sex partners regardless of ethnic background.


I have met people who say, “I never eat Mexican food.” They say this as though it were some badge of honor. I want to ask what type of Mexican food do they not eat? Does their exclusion of Mexican food extend to deserts like fried ice cream or drinks like Tequila or is it simply tacos and burritos that they do not eat? I have met people who say, “I never eat fish.” I usually ask them why and I often hear the reply “they taste too fishy.” I want to ask them if they ever eat meat that tastes too meaty, but instead I usually ask them if their antipathy extends to crustaceans, mollusks, and cephalopods. I can see the disapproval in my spouse’s eyes when I pursue this line of questioning.

After exploring the vast variety of Mexican foods, I discovered that the tasty and hearty Menudo soup is chock full of tripe. Many Latinos as well as Gringos in the Southwest will not eat Menudo. Several years ago, after I started dating Karen, I was introduced to Lutefisk. At first I found the texture somewhat off putting. Over time, by adding butter or cream sauce I discovered the joy of eating Lutefisk around the holidays. It is a Scandinavian tradition in homes much like Menudo is in Mexican homes. Paradoxically, many Scandinavians loath Lutefisk. The derivation of such foods leads many to disavow them. I confess to the same attitude towards an Italian dish known as Pasta a Fagioli which my mother loved to make. I left home swearing to never eat any again.
Some of these low-cost and nutritious peasant foods have become quite popular now as people look back to their early roots. An example of such a food dish is the Italian Pasta e Fagioli which I mentioned earlier. This is a dish comprised of beans and macaroni. Beans and macaroni form a “whole protein” which means you get all the amino acids you need without having to eat meat. A protein is considered “complete” when it has the nine essential amino acids in somewhat equal amounts. Almost every country in the world has some staple food items that provide whole protein. In poorer cultures, livestock was valued for its ability to help farm crops and produce milk. In places like India, livestock was made sacred as a way to prevent killing a valuable resource. Cows were more valuable alive than they were dead.
A few years ago, at the annual Gustavus Adolphus Nobel Conference the subject was on food production. A number of experts claimed that the day will come when we will no longer be able to afford a practice so barbaric and wasteful as to slaughter animals for meat eating. There is an abundance of insects on this earth that could provide an almost endless low-cost supply of protein and minerals to our diets. Most people respond to thoughts about eating insects with something like “I could never eat bugs.” My retort is “well you don’t eat bloody chickens or bloody cows do you?” The insects would be processed, and they would provide a grain that could be used in various ways like we use wheat or corn meal. I get blank stares.



I look around me today and I do not understand the world. I do not understand the decisions that our leaders make. It seems we have a moral disease. The symptoms of this disease are short-term thinking and greed. Arizona is suffering from an unprecedented drought and heat wave. The water levels in both the Central Arizona Project and aquifers are dangerously low. Yet when asked to cut back water usage by 3.8 percent, the golf course owners in Phoenix created an association to oppose such a “drastic” cut. Their counter proposal was for a 1.6 percent cut in water usage. The Governor of Arizona was the keynote speaker for the associations kick off meeting. Am I crazy? Do you believe this? Are golf courses more important than drinking water and water for farm crops?


I remembered from many years ago, a leader at a support group that I belonged to advised me that I should have more humor in my life. I asked him “Do you know any good books about getting more humor in one’s life.” He laughed, “You can’t read about humor, you have to do it.” The thought has often struck me over the years that it is one thing to read about things, it is another thing to do them. Could it be, I am just a writer and not a doer? Was it still possible that I needed more humor in my life. Maybe a clown I am not?
A year ago, (June 2020) almost to the day, I had a sharp pain in my chest. I fell to the floor and passed out. I know that this is not very funny but stay with me and I will get to the funny part. I promise. Karen thought I was having a heart attack and she called 911. They came, attached an IV to my arm and I had my first ever ambulance ride to the emergency clinic in St. Croix Falls. After a blood test, an Ultra Sound, an X-Ray, and a CAT Scan, they decided that I had a Gall Bladder problem. Three hours later, I was sent home with an appointment for the next day back at the hospital to see a doctor.
I saw a Physician Assistant at the clinic. He was polite and thoughtful. He gave me some rudimentary tests. A little prodding and touching here and there. He then advised me to go to the Emergency Department at the St. Croix Medical Center. He said the Frederic Clinic was not equipped to do the more complicated tests that I would need and that I should get these tests done immediately.. He suggested that it might be time to get rid of the unneeded and problematic Gall Bladder. I was quite ready to agree. I had managed to keep my Gall Bladder for almost 75 years. It had a good run, and perhaps it was time for it to retire.
After a short wait, I was brought by wheel chair into another room. I laid down on yet another bed. A new nurse (or was it a technician) came into the room. I assumed that she was going to perform the test. Someone else brought the apparatus for conducting the Ultra Sound into the room and left. The nurse or Ultra-Sound Technician started to poke and prod me with a rod connected to the machine. This increased my burping considerably and went on for longer than I had remembered a year ago. I guess they wanted to be really sure this time that I needed my Gall Bladder removed. I was resigned to this eventuality.


When we get back to normal, two parent families will again reign supreme. Mom will stay home to cook, while dad goes to work. There will be no trans-people. Girls will stick to cheerleading and let the boys play the sports. Contraceptives will be banned, and no one will dream of getting an abortion. Priests and ministers will be male, and gay people will disappear. Everyone in America will go back to being good Christians.



Second, what are you going to do about your fears? Fear is an adaptive mechanism. It helps to keep you alive. If you are in the woods and walking down a trail and see a large bear or cougar coming towards you, it is quite healthy to have some degree of fear. But fear alone is not going to save your life. If you are paralyzed with fear you may just be eaten. Fear is an alarm. An alarm sounds to wake us up. The next step is to do something. Doing something is a risky effort with no guarantee of success. Sadly, there are few guaranties in life, but the evidence seems to suggest that doing nothing is worse than doing something. This is where forethought and preparedness come in. One of my favorite quotes is by the Roman philosopher Seneca (died 65 CE) who once said that “Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.”


Dylan Thomas said, “Do not go gentle into that good night.” I don’t know about the raging part of his poem. I prefer thinking about my life as I get older and not raging. But he makes a good point. It is all too easy to give up on life as we age. We can live in memories of what we used to do, or we can find new activities and new levels to pursue old activities at. For instance, I may not have the stamina to play tennis or racquet ball anymore, but I can still play pickleball or go for a short ride on my bicycle. I used to do six-minute miles in road races. My personal best was 38.48 on a 10K. The race I ran for Frederic Family days this year on June 12, 2021, I averaged 10.14 per mile for a 5k. Quite a bit off of my pace from years ago but I still got my t-shirt. I run for t-shirts these days and not trophies.

Title: Historic Match between Good Guy from the West and Evil Guy from the East
17 Jun 2021 Leave a comment
by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: biden, commentary, Putin, summit
Just for the hell of it, I am going to comment on the historic Biden Putin summit. Everyone else in the world has given their take on this historic moment in US and Russian history, so why not me? I can sound as knowledgeable about Biden and Putin as any of the commentators who have commented on this situation. Think of me as a commentator commenting on the commentators who commented about the historic Biden Putin summit. I should add that if you have not already noticed, just about every commentator commenting on this summit mentioned it as a “historic” summit.
In case you do not know the definition of historic, it has something to do with something that someone might potentially put into a history book or perhaps something that Hollywood will make a movie out of. If I were to make a film out of this historic summit, it would go something like this.
Plot:
Two leaders from hostile countries meet to divide up the world or at least agree on who is screwing things up in the world. The leader from the evil country denies everything while the leader from the great and good and very morale country warns the evil leader of the consequences of not being a better leader. The good leader is in the blue trunks while the evil leader is in the red trunks. The match consists of three one-hour rounds with a ten-minute restroom break between rounds. The breaks are to allow commentators to send their commentaries to their offices.
Cast:
Joe Biden: President of the USA
Vladimir Putin: Evil Dictator from Russia
Sycophants: Both countries brought along dozens of elected officials to witness the match
Commentators: Just about anyone who could buy, forge, or obtain a press pass
Synopsis:
Joe came out of his corner with a quick handshake which threw his opponent for a momentary loss. Commentators scored it 1-0 for Biden. Vladimir recovered quickly and met Joe’s handshake with a bone crushing shake of his own. Joe smiled and they both took their seats. Commentators gave Joe another point since they like him better. The score was now 2-0 for Biden.
Numerous subjects were dealt with in the next three hours. Despite the pre-game name calling by Biden, the opponents settled into a polite routine with no grandstanding or insults. As expected Biden threw a “dissidents jab” at Putin who responded with a “January 6th insurgency jab.” Biden called the comparison ridiculous which most commentators agreed on. Biden scored another point making it 3-0 for Joe.
Joe threw a right cross nailing Vladimir with warnings about any more hacking. Vladimir blocked the punch and denied everything. Commentators were split since Joe did not provide any evidence and Putin seemed so confident that nothing could be pinned on Russian hackers. Call it 1 for Joe and 1 for Putin. The score after round 2 was 4-1 in favor of Biden.
Both leaders came out in round three with Putin clearly shaken up and worried about the bad press he was getting from a less than stellar effort. It was clear that Putin had underestimated Sleepy Joe and had not trained well for this match. Nevertheless, Putin scored early in round three with some nice comments about his opponent that Joe rolled with. Commentators gave Putin a point since Joe should have side stepped these compliments instead of accepting them. Joe was clearly surprised. The final score after round three was 4-2 in favor of Joe.
Post-Game commentary tended to judge the match a win for Biden due to his early domination of the bout and self-confidence. However, many commentators had it as a draw since Putin made no concessions and gave nothing away. There were no major knockdowns and depending on one’s viewpoint nothing was really decided.
Stay tuned for a sequel to this historic match, in which both opponents will meet again for another historic showdown.
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