I doubt that a person ever existed who did not want love. Love is older than the Greek gods, older than the Bible, older than the universe. Everyone knows what love is and no one knows what love is. Everyone wants love but few really know how to give love. Love may be the most frequently used word in any language. It is also probably the most frequently misused word in any language. We search for love and many of us will never find it. Some of us will find it at a very old age and some will find it while very young. No amount of arguing will ever stop anyone from searching for love.
I could say that I am cynical on love and that would probably surprise no one who knows me. However, I do not believe that I am a true skeptic on love. Many ideas exist but are in the mind of the beholder. I think love does exist, but love like quality is also in the mind of the beholder. In quality improvement, we always argued that each person has a different definition of what quality is and what they would define as a quality product. Love has same common elements that we all believe in but there are aspects of love that are unique to each of us.
Love is a word used in many semantic constructions. People associate love with sex, marriage, partnership, and other types of relationships between human beings. It is also common for the word love to be associated with inanimate objects and other animals. For instance, people say “I love my car” or “I love my dog.” These uses of the word trivialize the meaning of love. Romantic novels (think Romeo and Juliet) portray love as undying or “dying” passion but seldom show the hard work required to keep love burning. TV and movies feature continuous images of love based more on lust rather than what real love is. Even Jesus the greatest prophet of love did not get the idea of love right.
Jesus gave one example of “true love” but missed the most significant example in his life. Jesus said, “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” — John 15:13. Many soldiers have given up their lives to save others in the course of war. Often these soldiers were friends with the men they died for. However, to say that they loved them is quite off the mark. A number of years ago, I dove into a river to save a guy who was being dragged down the St. Croix River by its current. He did not know how to get out of the current and was fighting it instead of going with it. I swam out and brought him to shore. He was very grateful. I risked my life for this man. I did not know this man and I certainly did not love him. Many acts of heroism have been done by people out of a sense of responsibility or compassion, but I would not call these “acts of love.”
I propose that the greatest acts of love are to stand by someone when the world is bent on destroying them and you risk being destroyed along with them. The love of a mother for a son convicted of a heinous crime is one of these acts. Jesus’s mother Mary stood by the cross and watched her son die, never deserting his side. I am sure she suffered insults and criticisms and was blamed for his behavior. A mother who will feel love for her son or daughter no matter how grievous the crimes they have done is committing an act of love.
A few months ago, the news carried a story about a young man who had been in and out of trouble. He went into a dinner with a gun, robbed several patrons and was shot in the back as he was leaving. No charges were brought on the shooter. As it turned out the gun that he used in the robbery was a water pistol. The mother was questioned as to her thoughts. She did not attack her son’s killer, nor did she defend her son’s behavior. She did wonder if he really needed to be shot in the back as he was leaving. I was struck by the mother’s sadness and love for her son. It did not matter that he was a bad kid or that the whole of the media was gleeful about his being shot in the act; his mom’s (like Mary’s) love remained firm.
In my mind, acts like Mary’s and the unknown woman I described are true acts of love. You will notice that in such cases, love is more than just a word. It is a series of actions that we associate with the word. I think it is the actions that help to define the word. Like the Velveteen Rabbit became real because Christopher Robbins loved it. Love takes time and does not happen overnight:
“Weeks passed, and the little Rabbit grew very old and shabby, but the Boy loved him just as much. He loved him so hard that he loved all his whiskers off, and the pink lining to his ears turned grey, and his brown spots faded. He even began to lose his shape, and he scarcely looked like a rabbit anymore, except to the Boy. To him he was always beautiful, and that was all that the little Rabbit cared about. He didn’t mind how he looked to other people, because the nursery magic had made him Real, and when you are Real shabbiness doesn’t matter.” — From the Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams
One of the most common tropes in movies and shows concern what I call the “Two Ships Passing in the Night Love Model.” Individuals who seem to resonate with each other go about their daily business and never tell the other person how they feel. This has been a part of so many shows that I have watched that I am losing count. You sit there and wonder episode after episode if they will ever say anything before it is too late. It is frustrating as you want them to get together and say, “I love you.”
“Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.” — 1 John 3:18
I thought about this problem for a while. Many would say it was just a writer’s trick to get you to keep coming back for the next episode. You get hooked on whether or not they will ever consummate their love either physically or emotionally. It is a rather good hook but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it was really art mimicking life. I have been guilty of the same behavior and many people I know have also been guilty of the same behavior. We fail to say I love you when it counts the most. We can say that we love our new shoes or that we love our cat easily enough, but we have a hard time telling friends and relatives that we love them. We often abbreviate the sentiment with “Love you” or we use the term generically. “See you later folks, love all of you.” The simple act of looking someone in the eyes and saying “I love you” is perhaps one of the most difficult tasks that many of us face.
But what is true love anyway? Is loving a person in the same ballpark as loving your dog or your new shoes? Would you give up your life for your cat or your shoes? There are many elements that are part of true Love. A life without true love is rather sad but more common than many people realize. How many people do you know who took marriage vows only to divorce within ten years or less? How many of these people were willing to go to a marriage counselor before they divorced? How many of them just gave up on the other person before giving them a chance to change or giving themselves a chance to change? My elements of true love include:
- Facing hard times together
- Fighting constructively and making up
- Loyalty to the other person
- Honoring your commitments to each other
- Saying “I Love You” often
- Forgiving each other verbally and often
- Being willing to sacrifice for the other person
- Thinking of the other person before you think of yourself
- Sharing passion, happiness, sadness, and death together
I am sure that I have missed some important elements of True Love. Please feel free to add any you can think of in my comments section.
Remember, you really cannot find “True Love.” So don’t bother searching for it. You have to create it.
I think of the places I have been. Their memories come randomly. Sometimes I remember being 16 at the New York Worlds Fair in 1964. Roaming around by myself with no particular agenda. The Vatican Pieta exhibit really made an impression on me. Then it was my year in Biloxi, Mississippi. Scuba diving off Ship Island whenever I could get a break from my Air Force duties. Unalakleet, Alaska where I spent a year on a remote mountain top off the Bering Sea. Dating Eskimos and Indians who were the first women I ever really cared about. After leaving Alaska for Wisconsin, I developed a whole new family to start life with as a responsible father and husband.
There are many lists of “places” to see but much fewer lists of great events to see. Events are harder to find. Some occur every year like the Newport Jazz Festival and others are one off events like the Woodstock Music Festival. We frequently do not find out about events until they are over. In our travels, Karen and I have discovered posters of local events. Generally, they are not within our travel dates, or they have already occurred. Sometimes though we have been lucky enough to “trip” over an event and attend it. On occasion, it has been through the advice of local people who have told us about the event.
In one of my blogs, I noted the distinction between being a tourist and being a pilgrim. One definition of a tourist is “A person visiting a place for pleasure.” My definition of a pilgrim is non-religious. You do not have to be on a sacred mission to be a pilgrim. I propose the idea of a pilgrim as someone who takes part in the cultures they are visiting. Someone who is not looking in from the outside like at a visitor to a Hawaiian Luau but someone who joins the celebrants. They say there are three types of people. Those who do not know that there is a parade. Those who watch the parade. Those who are in the parade. Tourists are watchers. Pilgrims are in the parade. In many of our travels, Karen and I have managed to “be in the parade” at least for a short while.
We have so many memories of friends met during travels. Friends such as Alex and Heidi in Cervelló, Spain enriched our lives and made our trip to Spain more than memorable. Xibo and Mary were friends we met on our Chinese trip in 1989. They accompanied us on several adventures in China. Years later, we helped them to emigrate to the USA. They now live in San Francisco with their daughter, son-in-law and three grandchildren. In Seoul, we attended a birthday party for our grandson Sam after our adopted Korean daughter Susan found her birth mother. A year after Sam was born, we traveled back with Susan to Korea for the celebration of his one-year birthday with Susan and her birth family.
A “Last Man Standing Bottle” includes some of the most interesting people I ever met in Frederic, Wisconsin. We would gather every weekday in the town library to discuss books, politics, guns, cars, ideology, and any other ideas brought up. We agreed 10 years ago to create this iconic “Bottle” for our coffee group. Since putting the Old Granddad Bourbon in a beautiful case with a pendant that had our names on it, four of our members have passed away. The group disbanded with the advent of Covid and was never resurrected. The bottle now sits in a case at the Frederic Train Museum along with many other relics from Frederic. I am 76 years old and the youngest of the three remaining bottle members. The shadows of Dick, Jerry, Brian, and Ken periodically go through my mind. I remember each of them so vividly in respect to ideas, but their physical aspects are just lingering shadows who periodically are guests of my thoughts.
When we are born, we are compared to growth charts and Gesell Developmental schedules. for our development. Lag behind and your parents will be worried. As we grow up, we get compared to sisters, brothers, cousins, and others. Who has not heard the comment “You are just like your father,” or “your sister had straight A’s when she was your age.” In school, we will be tested from kindergarten through college on a variety of measures designed to see how we stack up. Each state will routinely rate the children in a school district or region to compare to other children in the country. Children and schools are then ranked and rated from best to worst. Everyone with any eyes and a brain knows that the school districts with the most money will almost always have the highest rated schools.
About fifteen years ago, I wanted to test out a hypothesis. Forbes Magazine each year publishes its list of 200 richest people in the world. It gives a great deal of information about each person such as schooling and net worth. I wanted to test whether or not a college degree made a difference in net worth. I added up the overall net worth of all college graduates and compared it to the overall net worth of all those who did not complete college. About fifty five percent of the Forbes richest people had either a bachelor’s degree or a master’s degree. The remaining forty five percent either did not enter college or did not finish college. Who do you think earned more money? Imagine my surprise to find that the average net worth of non-college degreed rich people was 3.5 billion dollars compared to 2.5 billion dollars for degreed people. All the hype on college degrees may just help make colleges richer.
In the next few weeks, I want to add four other searches to Dr. Frankl’s search. I believe that these are equally important to most of us. In fact, I might argue that to the average person, some of these other searches will dictate most of their lives. A particular search might take precedence over all others and drive how the person behaves, what goals they have and how they organize the daily activities of their lives.
When you adopt the Packers, you become a member of the Green Bay Packer Fan Club. Being accepted gives you a new identity. You are a Packer Backer, a Cheese Head. Being accepted means you now represent something great. You are part of one of the best football teams of all time. You can put your Packer shirt on proudly and everywhere you go in Wisconsin, you will be admired. You are no longer just Jane Doe.
The first question anyone must answer is what do they expect to get out of the group? What kind of acceptance are you looking for? To borrow from Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, I think we must ask what need we are trying to fulfil by joining this group. Are we hoping to get an acceptance that will meet our needs for basic survival, our need for security, our need for love and friendship, our need for self-esteem or our need for self-development. Many groups yield benefits in all these areas once a person is accepted into the group. However, I think it is very important to be clear from the start what you expect to get by joining any group. This first question is a prelude to the second question.
What will gaining acceptance into this group cost me? The line from Matthew, 16:26 reminds us that, “What doth it profit a man if he gains the whole world but suffer the loss of his own soul?” Every human endeavor or activity comes with some cost. In business terms, we use a Cost Benefit Analysis to determine if the benefits will justify the costs. In terms of acceptance there may be costs beyond money to joining any group or club. You may find social and emotional costs attached to a membership. Will the benefits of acceptance by this group justify these costs? Do you have to sell your soul to the devil to get the benefits? The Mafia makes members take an oath never to “rat” on anyone regardless of what they have done. Many organizations have rules and codes which put the good of the group ahead of the good of society. Partisanship in politics is another example of where loyalty to a party soon negates the very reason that many people went into politics. Good intentions often go down the drain when a person is faced with losing acceptance in their identity group.
Despite attending forty 3-day Jesuit retreats and regularly going to church with my spouse, I remain adamantly somewhere between an Atheist and an Agnostic. See my blog 
I can see some positive sides to a church ideology that addressee inner spirituality, but I think it has serious drawbacks. You can focus too much on what I will call the “inner spirituality” of church members. The reasoning behind the emphasis on inner spirituality can be faulty. The theory is that if each member becomes a better Christian, they will be better neighbors towards others. If they feed the hungry and cloth the poor, they will be ridding the world of the evils that Jesus preached against. Unfortunately, these propositions are not evidenced by historical fact. For hundreds of years many Christians supported slavery and sexism by doing little or nothing to condemn or speak out against it. Furthermore, many Christians were major protagonists of racism and sexism. If their ministers spoke out against it, it obviously made little difference. Being a card carrying member of a Christian church never seems to correlate with ending war, sexism, racism, homophobia or even poverty. I think without an equal emphasis on “Outer Spirituality” Christianity is a worthless religion.
There are many definitions of spirituality. What does it mean to be a spiritual person? Some people lean towards accepting a higher being or creator. Some lean towards accepting a more conventional religious perspective. Many on-line definitions list several factors necessary to be a spiritual person. My own definition is much simpler. I think being a spiritual person involves two elements. The first is seeking meaning in one’s life. The second is seeking purpose. Meaning is inner spirituality. Purpose is outer spirituality. Meaning and purpose must go beyond what is simply good for oneself and must embrace what is good for humanity and the universe. Thus, a truly spiritual person is one who finds and balances inner and outer spirituality.
Nevertheless, we still have the occasional spat, and they usually leave us both feeling quite depressed and disappointed. I am mostly disappointed with myself for not handing things well. It seems I too often say things or discuss things very differently than we have agreed on. We have found and used many models for dealing with conflict. One of our favorites is the “DESC” model. This stands for “Describe” what is happening in neutral terms. Talk about how this makes you feel in terms of “Emotions.” “Specify” what you would like to see happen differently. Define what the “Consequences” will or could be for change. Consequences are best provided that are positive, such as we will feel closer together. When we stick to this model things seem to go well. Our discussions stay on track and our resolutions come more effortlessly. When we stray from the model, accusations and insinuations escalate and the discussion becomes difficult if not painful.
The other kind of kindness I will call “Emotional Kindness.” This is not doing things but saying things either verbal or non-verbal that honor and appreciate the other person. It respects their feelings more than their actions. It might be “I love you” or it might be an appreciation of something the other person says or thinks. It is building up the other person’s self-esteem and not putting down anything they might express or care about.
Once upon a time a mother had two daughters. The Mom’s name was Teresa. The oldest daughter was named Romela, and the younger daughter was Amelia. At the time of this story, the oldest daughter was 20. Amelia had just turned 18. Teresa was 45 and a single mom. Their father had been gone for ten years after running off with their babysitter. Teresa never remarried or even dated. She was a rather plain looking woman. Marriage had taught her that men preferred sex appeal over brains, beauty over character and youth over age. She tried to teach these lessons to her daughters and kept a close watch on both.
