Last week we looked at what I called the “Cons” or negative assumptions about marriage. This week, we will look at some “Pros” or positive assumptions that one can make about marriage. I offer both sets of assumptions with the thought in mind that “The truth will set you free.” Marriage is not all sweet and sugar but neither is it all sour and vinegar. A good marriage has its ups and downs but a really happy marriage will have more ups than downs. Most happy marriages are based on a set of realistic assumptions concerning what marriage is all about and what it takes to make a good marriage.
- Marriage is a means by which two people can in time learn the true meaning of love.
Most of us are pretty young when we get married. With the exception of second marriages, where naiveté can be attributed to a rebound effect, most naiveté in a first marriage is due to youth and inexperience. Many second marriages show that often older people are no wiser than younger people. Love in a first marriage is more about passion and infatuation than about true love. Saying “I love you” about someone you hardly know means about the same as saying “I love my new car.” You cannot really love anything or anyone until you have some history with that person.
Love is a learned trait. Most of the time, we use love in a very simplistic and general manner. Jesus said “True love is the willingness to lay down your life for another.” I disagree with this definition. I think this kind of love can be a form of courage or bravado even without any notion of love whatsoever. How can you love anyone whom you do not know? I might be willing to risk my life to save someone who is drowning in a frozen lake, but it would be ridiculous to think I love that person.
True love is closer to a passion that is based on respect and admiration and gratitude. When you first marry anyone, all three of these traits may only exist in very rudimentary states. Time and shared experience help bring more perspective to each of them. Over time, we begin to respect each other as we learn more about each other and how we treat life. We begin to admire our partners more as we see how they cope with problems and as we both sacrifice our own needs for the good of each other. Gratitude is the highest state of love in a marriage. When you are truly grateful for your partner and when you feel this gratitude in your entire being, you have arrived at the shore of true love.
“True love doesn’t happen right away; it’s an ever-growing process. It develops after you’ve gone through many ups and downs, when you’ve suffered together, cried together, laughed together.” — Ricardo Montalban
- Marriage is a system for raising a new generation that will carry on the best values of the old generation.
Parents have a responsibility to raise children who have sound moral, ethical and personal values. Each new generation builds on the shoulders of previous generations. It would be foolish to think that the values of the past should all be the values of the next generation. The needs of each new generation demand new values to cope with problems and issues that could not have been foreseen by previous generations. Nevertheless, there are many values and ideas from the past that an emerging generation should have knowledge and insight of. Lessons from the past can help to inform the future and mistakes from the past can still have meaning and relevance to issues that are current today.
Parents have an obligation to help insure that any children that they are responsible for, whether adopted, natural birth or foster children, learn a set of values that will help them to be people who understand the concepts of discipline and integrity. Too many parents see their children as means to their own end or as “mini” friends. Helicopter parents, soccer moms and sports dads are all manifestations of parents who have little idea about their real obligations towards their children. Such parents want to be “best” friends with their children instead of fathers and mothers. Even worse, are the parents who want to live vicariously through their children and dream that their kids will live the lives that they wanted to live.
“To let them go on believing that the world is safe, that they will be provided for and achieve worthwhile things even if they remain stupid, shirk integrity, despise courtesy, and act only from self-interest, that they ought to rely on those stronger, smarter, and more able to solve their problems, would be the gravest disservice: to them, and to society as a whole.” — J. Aleksandr Wootton
- Marriage is a potpourri of passion, ecstasy, happiness, sadness, grief, anger and challenge.
I may be repeating myself here, but I want to emphasize that all marriages will have good days and bad days. Some of the bad days will be due to poor judgement, selfishness and poor planning. They are days that could have been in the range of your ability to change. Other bad days will have little or nothing to do with you. Friends will die. Relatives will get sick. Accidents will happen. You and your partner will grow old. You will have no control over any of these things.
Whether or not you can change things, what matters the most is that you and your partner can support each other through the ups and downs. You need to expect that bad things will happen to good people. When they do, how will you support the other person?
A number of years ago, my wife and I went scuba diving for the first time. We had both received our PADI certification and done a few lake dives. We decided to visit the Caribbean and do some scuba diving there. We went to an island off the coast of Belize called Caye Caulker. We found a dive shop on the island and scheduled a day of diving for a day or so after we arrived. Karen had not had any experience with ocean diving. I had done quite a bit of diving but it was many years before.
We suited up and went down. We were partners on this dive and that meant that we would have each other’s back. Karen has more problems with buoyancy control than I do but we finally got her weights adjusted correctly and down we went. We descended with six or so other divers and the dive master. We had a great time though Karen kept trying to bob up instead of down. When it was clear that we had little oxygen left we decided to come up. We signaled the dive master and most of the group also headed back to the dive boat. We had stayed above 120 feet so the bends were not really a concern. We still wanted to ascend slowly though as it always is a good idea to observe this protocol. I rose with Karen until we reached the surface. The water was pretty choppy on top.
When we hit the surface, I was feeling tired and I headed to the boat. I totally forgot Karen and I took my tanks up and got on the boat. When I looked back to see how Karen was doing, she was still in the water. She was tired and having a hard time getting her tanks off. Some of the other people were in the water and they came to help her. She finally made it back in the boat very tired and exhausted and somewhat scared. I felt really bad. I had deserted her and thought only about myself. It was somewhat hard for me to get out of the water and on the boat by myself but it was next to impossible for Karen. I did not think about her and I felt guilty for the rest of the day. I promised her and myself that from then on, I would make sure she was on the boat before I tried to get out.
It is not always easy to look after another person. It is very easy to put our needs first and our partners needs second. A key dilemma of marriage is how to put both needs first or how to know when one needs to go first and the other can go second. Marriage presents us with endless possibilities to work on this problem. Sometimes we will succeed and sometimes we will fail. However, as with any worthwhile endeavor, the trick is to keep trying, keep working on things and when you fail to try again and to never give up. The effort to care for another person builds trust in a relationship and this trust is the foundation for a good marriage. Layer it with respect, admiration and gratitude for each other and you will live “happily ever after.”
“Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” — I Corinthians 13:7
Time for Questions:
Have you ever been in love? How many times? What do you think love is? What do you think true love is based on? How does one create true love?
Life is just beginning.
“You can trust us to stick to you through thick and thin – to the bitter end. And you can trust us to keep any secret of yours – closer than you yourself keep it. But you cannot trust us to let you face trouble alone, and go off without a word. We are your friends, Frodo.” — ― J.R.R. Tolkien,
Once upon a time, there was a group of creatures called humans. They evolve and live out their lives on a place they call Earth. Earth is basically a spheroidal rock that revolves around a Class 3 star (called a sun) in a galaxy named the Milky Way. No humans know where they came from, how they developed or why. This is a subject of endless debate and speculation that has led to a plethora of social organizations which humans call religions.
Conclusions:
Once upon a time there was an old farmer and his wife who had a cow that suddenly decided to stop giving milk. It was a Swedish cow and you know how stubborn those Swedes can be. The old farmer was going to go out to talk to the cow but quite unexpectedly he choked to death on a bone in a piece of lutefisk. His wife now inherited the farm, the chickens, the pigs and the stubborn Swedish cow who would not give any milk.
Unbeknownst to all, there was a small little field mouse that lived with his family in the great barn. The field mouse had overheard the plight of the farmer’s wife and the arguments of the farm animals and was quite moved by their problem. The field mouse was an avid reader and many of his kind would have called him an intellectual. He was a follower of the famous Swedish philosopher Emanuel Swedenborg and also more recently the Swedish philosopher Nick Bostrom well known for his work on existential risk, the anthropic principle, human enhancement ethics, superintelligence, the reversal test, and consequentialism. The little field mouse decided to try explaining the theory of the Anthropic Principle to the cow in the hope that logic would prevail where pure emotion had failed.
Recently, I was thinking of starting a bumper sticker business. Bumper stickers can do quite well in terms of bringing in revenue. They are cheap and inexpensive and everyone has something they want to show off to the world. If you go to any trade show or convention or some special events like Roller Girls, Star Trek conventions, Comic Cons, you will find lots of different bumper stickers at the various booths. Someone once told me that bumper stickers (selling for 1 or 2 dollars) were a bread and butter item for them. “Big expensive items hardly sold, but everyone had a dollar or two for a bumper sticker.”
Of course, a great bumper sticker business must start with great ideas that have universal appeal. You must cater to the masses. You must have themes that resonate with the common person. You can’t have bumper stickers that say confusing things like E=MC2 or Circumference= Two x Pi x r. You must have ideas that are simple to understand and that everyone can relate to. For example, one classic one that I have seen on many cars is “My Kid Kicked Your Honor Roll Kids Ass.” This of course expresses the clear concept that it is better to be a bully than be intelligent. This seems to be an idea that among Trump supporters, Tea Party advocates and many right wing extremists resonates very well.
One other example of a great bumper sticker has been around for many years. It is quite popular and goes: “God, Guns and Guts Made America Great.” This bumper sticker shows quite clearly that God loves guns and guts and thus favors Americans who have more guns and guts than any other people in the world. Statistics prove this fact as it is well known that there are enough guns in the USA for everyone to have at least three guns each for every man, woman and child in the US. Even as I write, gun manufacturers are working to improve this statistic. Ruger has a goal of selling two million guns this year and will donate a dollar for every gun sold to the NRA to help promote their goal of selling more guns. In no time at all, we will have 4 guns for every person in the country, thus helping our nation become even greater than it is.
But what the heck, you can still be fat and send drones and guided missiles to bomb the hell out of other people. Guts are overrated! If we can maim and slaughter our enemies, we will still win and that is what counts. Winning is a common bumper sticker theme and one that I have tried to utilize in the following concepts. I present these ideas as possibilities for my bumper sticker company. I am open to other ideas. Please feel free to share any great ideas you have for bumper stickers. When my bumper sticker company becomes rich and famous, I will share some of my profits with you so that you can also be “Great” someday. Thus, without further ado, here are my top ideas for “Great” bumper stickers.
I am working on other ideas but I thought this would be a good start. One caveat that must be admitted is that bumper stickers can offend some people; but as they say “You can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.” Furthermore, the people that buy bumper stickers usually have an innate desire to express themselves in ways that they can’t manage as well verbally. A truly challenging bumper sticker lets people say things that they could not express as succinctly or eruditely if left to their own linguistic devices. For instance, the NRA says that “When guns are outlawed only outlaws will have guns.” Can you imagine the average person making such an eloquent defense of guns and assault rifles with such a short but biting comment? With one very unique phrase, millions of people have come to believe that they must buy a gun or be at the mercy of the millions of outlaws just lurking out there to rape and pillage their farms and homesteads, steal their cattle and ride off into the sunset with their women.
A great bumper sticker is an algorithm for self-expression. Those commie pinko intellectuals who can confuse you with their big words and high sounding concepts don’t stand a chance against a good bumper sticker. Bumper stickers let the average or even below average person duke it out on a level playing field with a Harvard college professor. One of my favorite bumper stickers says: “Just cause you’re so smart and went to school don’t mean you know anything.” Wow, is that profound or what! Take that you college Ph.D.’s that think you are so smart. “My son will kick your graduate son’s ass.”
The song goes “One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble.” It was by Murray Head and was featured in the musical Chess. This was a story put to music about the battle between Bobby Fischer, the brilliant American chess genius and Boris Spassky the efficient machine like Russian chess grandmaster. (In the play, the antagonists are an American chess champion and a Russian chess champion and Fisher and Spassky are never mentioned but the characters are thinly veiled portraits of Fisher and Spassky) Ostensibly this was a chess match between two magnificent chess players. However, only slightly beneath the surface it was in reality a match between the United States and the 
Soviet Union for dominance of the world. (If you would like to hear the song, 
The match took place at the height of the Cold War between the Russians and the US. Everything from sports to ballet to politics was imbued with the animosity that characterized Russian American relations during this time frame. The match took place in 1972. Spassky was the defending world champion and Fischer was the United States great “Western Hope.” The Russians were well known for being the greatest chess players in the world and few would have ever hoped that the US could challenge them at what amounts to their national game. For the previous 24 years, the Russians had defeated all comers to remain the world chess champions. All eyes, all hopes, all dreams, all aspirations and all of the US national pride rode on the shoulders of Bobby Fischer. People who would not know the difference between a pawn and a knight were tuned into what would become one of the most epic battles of the entire Cold War.
Poker is a more popular game in the United State than chess. It is estimated that there are over 60 million poker players in the US, 
There are many claims to the “Great American Tragedy” but in my mind, few equal the tragedy of Robert Fischer. Perhaps at some level, I can find myself identifying with him. Not in terms of his anti-Semitic or anti-American opinions but certainly in his idiosyncrasies regarding his playing and his involvement in tournaments. When I was a child, we used to play a game called “King of the Hill.” You could only be king for so long and eventually either one or the entire group would pull you down. This game taught me that you can only “reign” for so long and eventually whatever greatness you have will be eclipsed by others. Great actors become has-beens. Great athletes become washed-up. Great singers become past their prime. Great politicians outlive their times. Great thinkers are no longer able to think great thoughts. Whenever we become “King of the Hill” there is only one direction to go.
I can only imagine what it must have been like to be Fischer. The entire esteem of the United States was riding on his match with Spassky. All minds and all hearts needed him to beat the Russian. We had to show the world that we were not only the economic and physical match for the Russians but we were also their intellectual match. The Free World, democracy and God were riding on the outcome of Fischer’s match with Spassky. Can you imagine the pressure that was riding on Fischer’s shoulders? The stress that he had to cope with would have been incomprehensible. I think it would have driven most people stark raving mad, which I sometimes suspect it did to Bobbie.
It is now almost 50 years later and we are still playing chess with the Russians. Obama and Putin have taken the place of Kennedy and Khrushchev. The game of chess is still pitted against the game of poker. World fortunes and prestige still ride on the outcome of matchups between us and the Russians. The pawns have become the Arabs while the rulers of Syria, Saudi Arabia, Iran, ISIS, Iraq, Jordan and Europe fill in for the knights, bishops and rooks. Putin is the King for the Red side and Obama is the King for the White Side. The head of the Sunnis will fill in for the Red Queen while the head of the Shiites can fill in for the White Queen. Let the games roll on.
We have a concept called the Double Standard which denotes a situation wherein some behavior is generally thought of as unfair, inequitable or simply wrong. It is a much used term employed by sexists and racists. It is generally used as an argument against some actions being taken on behalf of a minority or other exploited group. Such groups include immigrants, women, children, the poor, Native Americans, Blacks, Latinos and many other underprivileged groups or groups wherein an asymmetrical relationship exists with the dominant power group. Let me give you an example before I define some terms.
A friend was arguing about the laws impacting the actions that business owners may or may not take in terms of delivering service to customers. The recent spate of arguments by the so called “Christian” Right against serving gays and other minorities whose religion or beliefs they disagree with was the spur or nucleus of his rant. He made the following analogy. “Suppose a Black man went into a White baker to have a birthday cake made and he was refused service? What do you think would happen he argued?” The reply given by his audience was, “It would probably be seen as discriminatory or perhaps even illegal.” He then argued, “Ok, so suppose a KKK member went into a Black baker and asked for a cake made for a KKK celebration and he was refused. What do you think would happen?” I replied that this seemed like an argument “reductio ad absurdum” or something taken to the extreme absurd. His argument was that it was not ridiculous and such situations are typical of the differences between how Blacks and Whites are now treated in our country or that a “Double Standard” exists.
What if you were very poor and you were going out with a very rich person? Suppose you gave gifts to each other on your birthdays. You gave a modest low budget gift from Walmart to your loved one. She/he in turn gave you an all-expense paid two week trip to Paris. Would you scream and yell that this was an unfair double standard? Unfair because you could not possible meet such a standard on your much lower income? You might want to argue that the example I have provided is ridiculous. However, it is no more ridiculous an example that many of the examples given by opponents of civil rights, affirmative action, equal pay, immigration laws, welfare and other measures to help create a more equitable society. (PC opponents are often guilty of such ignorance and there are numerous situations wherein they perceive that Political Correctness has created an unfair Double Standard.)
First: on what basis do we decide the symmetry of a relationship? Should we be looking at power, wealth, status, employment or opportunities as measures of symmetry? Second, when and how do we decide that relationships have become symmetrical and no longer need a Double Standard? Both of these questions are very difficult but they are also both critical since unless they are ultimately answered, the perception of unfairness will hover over any relationships where a Double Standard exists. This of course leads to such accusations as “reverse racism” and even claims that “Today White people are the real people being discriminated against.” (See 
The answer to the first question concerning metrics for determining symmetry is fairly easy. We need to look at metrics that will help to create a fair and just society. If we are attempting to create a level playing field for all groups in our country, then we must consider any measures that will help us to obtain this goal. There are measures for income, jobs, opportunities, education, incarceration and health that have and should be used to apply Double Standards when they will help to level the playing field.
Aging Capriciously 