Most men I know when you start talking about death and dying usually say that they hope they die before their partner. The motive is quite obvious. Who wants to be alone. There is almost nothing worse than loneliness for human beings.
Now imagine spending forty or fifty years living with someone. You eat together, sleep together, travel together, make love together, raise children together, work together, talk together, and laugh together. This goes on for year after year. In a happy marriage or partnership, the relationship is one of joy and delight.
Now suddenly your partner for one reason or another is gone. She or he passes away. You come back to your home after the funeral and well-wishers have left, and you are now alone. You are more alone than you have ever been in your entire life. You go from room to room and no one else is there. The bedroom is empty. The kitchen is empty. The living room is empty. You notice the picture of you and your spouse at your anniversary party hanging on the wall. It brings back memories and tears. Every day for many days, objects, thoughts, and reflections will bring back good times and bad times that you shared with your lover. You will reflect over and over again about these past times. No doubt you will feel remorse about some things that you did and wish you could undo. You will also miss the fun things that you enjoyed together and the many good times that you had together.
The above scenario is very sad. But there is one way you can avoid it. You can pray that you pass away before your spouse or partner or loved one does. Leave the planet earth sooner than they do and avoid the pain and heartache that comes with the death of your beloved. This is the solution that I have hoped for many times. I have always planned to leave my wife financially well off so that when I do go to the vast beyond, she can continue to live a happy life. I thought this sounded like a grand plan until the following incident occurred. It left me feeling selfish and self-centered.
It all began with a mission retreat that Karen and I started going on several years ago. A good friend organizes the trip twice a year to bring food and needed items to an orphanage in Sonoita, Mexico and a Saint Vincent de Paul center in Puerto Penasco, Mexico. We have as many as 15 cars in an auto caravan bringing items down. Volunteers from Casa Grande, Eloy, and Arizona City (many from local churches as well as friends of Evelia) will join the caravan each year. We typically leave on a Friday and come back on a Monday. While down in Mexico, we stay at Puerto Penasco and enjoy the beach, ocean, and seafood for a few days before coming back across the border.
Each evening after dinner, we enjoy food, dancing, and music at the Playa Bonita restaurant. It is right on the beach and while enjoying shrimp cocktails, we watch the most beautiful sunsets I have seen anywhere. As night falls, a band or singer will begin entertaining our group. Evalia loves to dance and will make sure that we all have a spin with her on the dance floor. The dance floor is outside where we eat. Almost always the weather is balmy and comfortable. Infrequently one might need a shawl or a sweater but an active time on the dance floor will mitigate any night chills.
One night after dinner and drinks, three of us, Steve, Alexandro, and myself decided to go sip some tequila and smoke some cigars where it would not impose on anyone’s sense of smell. We typically go out to the back of the restaurant. There are a few round tables there and it is quite secluded.
Steve is Evelia’s son, and he often comes on the mission tours. He is a real nice guy who was studying to be a deacon in the Catholic Church. He married an Italian woman who is a medical doctor but after several years of trying she has been unable to acquire a permanent work visa for the USA. Steve and Julia now reside in two countries. Steve in the USA and Julia in Italy. They reunite frequently in either Italy or the USA. I think it is Steve’s plan to eventually join Julia in Italy. Steve owns a management consultant firm and does not want to retire yet.
I had never met Alexandro before. This was his first time on a mission retreat, and I never saw him again after this night. We did some brief introductions, shared the bottle of tequila, and lit our cigars. We chatted about the usual subjects, politics, wives, sports etc. As the conversation became deeper and more serious, we started talking about aging and the impacts it was having on each of our lives.
Alexandro told us that his wife was an invalid and severely disabled. She required considerable medical care. He was the primary caregiver as they had no provision for medical assistance in the home. It was evident form our conversation that Alexandro spent a large amount of time and effort in providing compassionate care for his wife.
I began thinking about how much love we all seemed to have for our spouses. I started thinking about what I would do without Karen who provides so much compassion for me when I am sick or when I need support. I could not imagine a life without her. I stated emphatically that I hoped I did not ever have to deal with a life alone. It was my desire to die first to avoid the pain of heartache and loneliness.
Alexandro spoke up and his words surprised me. He said, “I hope my wife dies first.” I could not believe what I had just heard. My immediate thought was “What a selfish bastard! He wants his wife to die before he dies so that he will not have to take care of her anymore or deal with her problems.” I remained silent for a minute or so while I wondered how any person could be so heartless. My curiosity finally got the better of me and I asked Alexandro “Why do you want your wife to die first?” He replied “My wife needs so much care and there is no one else around who could provide enough care for her. I do not want to think of her alone and without me to provide the care.”
I heard Alexandro’s explanation and suddenly I was inundated by a tsunami of guilt and an earthquake of self-reproach. How could I have thought so miserably of a man with so much character that he would sacrifice himself for his spouse? On the other hand, how could I be so selfish that all I could think of was that I wanted to die first to avoid the feelings of loneliness and heartache that accompany the death of a loved one.
I sat speechless for quite a while as I reflected on my thoughts about what I had just heard. Never before had I heard anyone say anything like Alexandro did. It never occurred to me that my life and my feelings are not the hub of the universe. The sun does not rise and set by how I feel or how I should feel. “Compassion literally means “to suffer together.” When we are confronted with the suffering of another, it means that we will take steps to help relieve that suffering. Perhaps suffering for another person may not mean dying for them, perhaps it means living for them.
brought sorrow to my heart over the years. Life does not always end happily. Lives do not always find the justice and honor they merit. I have felt sorry for the heroes and heroines who did not get the fates they deserved. If only I could somehow right all the wrongs and set history on the paths it should have taken. I find books tell me about my shortcomings and highlight areas where I need improvement. It is always sorrowful to find that I am not as good as I would like to be.
Now less this sound too much like a soap opera, I should point out some of the character flaws that are obvious with Dick. He once had a battle with some beavers that resided on his property. These beavers were adept at building a dam using a stream that flowed near a road leading to Dick’s house. The dam would cause the water to back up flooding the road. Dick would go out there and break up the dam but faster than you could say “Dick the Stick” the beavers would rebuild the dam. I asked Dick why he did not shoot the suckers. Dick replied that he promised Gladys that he would not kill them but try to get them to relocate. So periodically Dick would come in with his back aching from breaking up the dam and I would say “Give me your rifle and I will shoot the suckers for you.” Dick would never do this. I finally bought him a t-shirt with “Beaver Advice” on it.
I mentioned that Dick does not want to travel anywhere (Except maybe Duluth). I would attribute his “been there, done it” to a possible birth or brain defect but to be fair Dick did go to England, Peru and a bunch of other countries when he was younger. Furthermore, unlike some people, he is always interested in hearing about the travels of Gladys and others in the group. I am going to Russia this coming year and I keep telling him that I am going to have an audience with President Putin. Dick often jokes about Putin and his strong political resolve. I may bring him a Putin t-shirt when I come back from Moscow, assuming that I am allowed to leave the country.
My first real hero was Ming the Merciless. He had all the primary characteristics of an evil genius. He was a megalomaniac who wanted to rule the world. He was always smarter than Flash Gordon. He had dozens of minions who followed his every order. He obeyed no rules except his own. And finally, he lusted after Dale Arden who was a pretty hot babe for the time. Dale had wonderful blond curls, a great figure and was into bare midriff before it became popular in the 90’s. Flash was a wimp when it came to Dale but Ming the Merciless knew what he wanted and really went after it. I suppose tying women up today would not be proper but if you are an evil genius it is simply part of the expectations.
My second Hero was Dr. Fu Manchu. A character created by the writer Sax Rohmer. Fu was as evil as they came. He was a brilliant megalomaniac. He obeyed no rules or laws except his own. He was alleged to hold doctorates from four Western universities. Unlike the wimpy college professors who one associates with a Ph.D. degree, there was nothing wimpy about Dr. Fu Manchu. He would not hesitate to murder anyone who got in his way. In the 1932 film, The Mask of Fu Manchu, Fu tells an assembled group of his minions that they must “kill the white men and take their women.” Evil geniuses have a knack for thinking big and ignoring the normal bonds of propriety and civility.
As is usual with evil geniuses, Moriarty was always one step ahead of Sherlock. Perhaps because it was still the Victorian age, Moriarty did not have much to do with lusting after women. There was no kidnapping, tying women up or forced kissing in any of the Moriarty tales. However, Sherlock was not much better in the womanizing category and seemed to be a confirmed bachelor. His main relationship with a woman was with his housekeeper Mrs. Hudson which always stayed platonic.
Von Doom. You must love someone with a name like that. Dr. Doom was evil and ruthless and a certified genius. He had many gadgets and inventions that enabled him to defeat an entire pantheon of superheroes. When it came to bad, he took a back seat to no one. Imagine, someone who would let his childhood sweetheart be savagely sacrificed so that he could gain the power to rule the world. Yes, like most other evil geniuses, Dr. Doom was also a megalomaniac who wanted to rule the world.
I have not had time to describe all the evil geniuses whom I have loved and admired. I have given you only a few of the ones who have punctuated my life. I do not have the space to do justice (sic) to some of my other heroes such as Lex Luther, the Kingpin, The Joker, Green Goblin and of course Sauron. By the way, recently we had a female megalomaniac out to destroy the world. It was quite refreshing to see how Hela kicked Thor’s butt from one end of Asgard to the other. But to bring you up to the present, I have now found perhaps the most evil genius in history. He has all the truly great characteristics of evilness. He is also a genius.
Emily and Robert had been married for nearly 65 years. They were both in their early twenties when they met in college. It was love at first sight. Their parents wanted them to wait to finish college but after a brief whirlwind romance, they simply eloped. They surprised everyone when they came back to school and finished their college degrees. Robert became an engineer and Emily was a school teacher for many years. The careers they chose suited their personalities. They were known as hard faithful workers. Not once in over forty years did any employer ever have a complaint or problem with either Robert or Emily. After forty-five years, they both chose to retire so they could spend more time together after Robert’s first stroke.
were loved by all their foster children who often returned home to visit or to simply stop by with a bit of news or something to eat. Robert and Emily could not have loved any children of their own more than they loved their foster children.
Emily finished brushing her teeth and then took her nightly pills. She shut off the bathroom light and started out to the bedroom. The light by Robert’s side of the bed was on and Emily started to say something to Robert when abruptly she stopped. Her eyes fell upon an empty bed that was undisturbed. The sheets and bed covers had not been moved. Emily was surprised and shocked. Where was 
Robert? Suddenly, Emily remembered. Robert had died the previous week and had been buried two days before on Saturday. Tears came to her eyes. What would she do without her Robert? She was all alone now. No one to go to bed with. No one to talk to at night. No one who would regularly listen to her complaints and problems about the world.
As the little boy grew up, he became an even more devout believer in God. Everywhere he went, he saw the hand of God. In the clouds, in nature, in the weather, in the oceans, in good times and in bad times he believed that God was present. The little boy thought how hard God must have to work to try to keep life sustained. Each night he would pray to God that when he grew up, he would be able to help ease God’s work somewhat and do his share to help make the world a better place.
Aging Capriciously 