Everything You Know is Wrong!  – A Thought Experiment

11 Sep 2025 8 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , ,

I want to share a “thought experiment” with you.  What would you do if one morning you woke up and realized that everything you believed about life, love, liberty, justice, aging, politics, and even religion was wrong?  Not just slightly off but fundamentally flawed.

That thought crossed my mind recently.  Over the years, I have been very opinionated.  This morning, I told a good friend that assigning motives to people was ridiculous.  We all want explanations why people do dangerous, criminal or simply dumb things.  However, the motives that we spew out might as well be as valid as Chinese fortune cookies.  There are dozens of possibilities why someone has done something. 

The recent subway stabbing and murder is a good example.  Why did the perp murder the young girl?  He had never seen her before.  He did not know her.  He had no reason to kill her.  But kill her he did.  Why?  Go ahead and speculate if you like but you can speculate all day, and you may never know the true reason or even if he had a reason.  Do you remember the famous line “The Devil made me do it.”  That is as good an explanation as any. 

The more I thought about this question of belief and knowledge, the more my head began to spin.  I felt like I had vertigo.  All the experiences, books, teachers, and years of reflection that have shaped my worldview suddenly seemed like they might be a house of cards.  It was unsettling—terrifying, even.  I who believe in facts, data, rational thinking and logic.  What if I am wrong?  Is there any value to doubt everything?  Ecclesiastes says that “In much wisdom is much grief, and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow”

But after reflecting on it, I realized something: this is what growth feels like.  Let me break this idea of growth down into some concepts that have merit on the subject.

The Shock of Doubt:

Beliefs are comfortable.  They provide a framework for navigating life, a lens through which we interpret meaning.  To suddenly question them feels like losing gravity.  But doubt, in its purest form, isn’t a threat.  It’s an invitation.

I thought of people I admire—Deming, Aristotle, Kahneman, Sagan—men who thrived on challenging assumptions.  They didn’t fear being wrong; they saw it as a step toward being less wrong.

The Emotional Reckoning:

There is grief in realizing cherished ideas might not hold water.  Some beliefs are tied to memories, mentors, or moral choices we’ve made.  Questioning them can feel like betrayal.  Worse, questioning them can bring us guilt.  Guilt that our pig-headed stubborn beliefs have labeled  and judged other people.  Guilt that not only were we wrong but that we sentenced other people based on false ideas and information. 

But emotions are honest teachers.  The discomfort signals that we’re brushing against something important—something worth reexamining.  For instance, what if I am wrong about trump?  What if he is really ushering in a new and better age for America.  What if his policies will help Americans and even the entire world live better lives?  What if I came back to this earth 100 years from now only to find the world more prosperous, egalitarian and peaceful than any time in history?  How would I feel about my stubborn insistence that trump is the not only the worst president in history but evil?  A man who will destroy democracy and bring untold misery to millions of people.  Am I strong enough to even entertain this possibility?

Breaking vs. Building:

In moments of doubt, it’s tempting to throw everything out and start over.  Sort of like “Zero Based Budgeting” or what my wife does when she finds a mistake in her knitting.  I do not know how many times Karen has torn apart something that she has worked weeks on.  All because she found a dropped stitch or some other knitting or quilting error.  Her tenacity always boggles my mind. 

Yet wisdom isn’t built from demolition; it comes from integration.  It comes from standing on the back of genius who came before us.  Plato built on Socrates.  Aristotle built on Plato.  Deming built on Shewhart.  Wisdom comes from assimilating and reshaping, adding new layers and molding something even more perceptive and sublime than what went before.  Deming always said that “Experience without Theory teaches nothing.”  I added to his message the thought that “Theory without Experience teaches nothing.”  It is a Yin/Yang of reality. 

Isaac Newton in a letter to Robert Hooke wrote, “If I have seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of Giants”.

I realize that being “wrong” doesn’t mean that my life has been wasted or misguided.  It means I now have a chance to weave new threads into the tapestry that I’ve been creating for decades.  I wonder what will happen to the 2000 threads or blogs that are now part of this tapestry.  Perhaps to my friends, my dedication and even fixation on my blogs are trivial pursuits.  I am sure some of my friends are bugged when I say, “Did you read my blog” or “I just wrote a blog on that subject.”  But my blogs have become part of the thread that I weave through my life.  I expect to write a blog the day or even hour before I die. 

Aging into Humility:

Humility is the opposite of pride.  While pride is often derided, humility always gets applauded, at least among philosophers and theologians.  In the world of politics, humility is never an asset.  Politicians pride themselves on taking credit for saving the world one minute after they are elected.  Can you imagine any politician aging into humility?  Donald Trump as a humble person?

One of the gifts of age is perspective.  I’ve lived long enough to see entire social movements rise and fall, “truths” overturned, and science rewrite itself.  If I’ve learned anything, it’s that being wrong is inevitable.  What matters is how gracefully we grow from it.  The title of my website is Aging Capriciously.  The definition of “capricious” is:

“One who is prone to sudden, unpredictable, and unexplainable changes in their attitude, behavior, or decisions, often based on whim rather than reason or logic. They are often described as impulsive, erratic, and fickle.”

If you are going to be capricious, you had better learn some humility.  I liked the word capricious for my blog since it blessed my desire and need to change my mind.  To be wrong, to be fickle.  I have always and perhaps too pridefully believed that I was blessed with a consistency that would rival Lt Commander Spock on the starship Enterprise.  Spock was erratic in my mind since he had an earthling mother.  I was a motherless child or at least felt that way growing up.  I could not be wrong, or I would be punished by a dad who would have cowered Zeus.  

Humility doesn’t mean shrinking—it means making space for change.  It means admitting that liberty, justice, and love are too vast for any one lifetime to fully comprehend.  If I am born again and I have the opportunity to start another blog, I will call it Aging Into Humility.  Maybe the second time around, I will get it right.

A Call to Curiosity:

So, I ask myself—and you—what if we welcomed the possibility of being wrong?  What if, instead of clinging to certainty, we embraced curiosity?  A good friend of mine had a sign over his desk which read “There are no mistakes, only lessons to be learned.”  I took this quote to heart and have tried to use it as a guide for my life. 

Maybe the purpose of a long life isn’t to arrive at a final truth, but to remain open, to keep asking, to keep revising.  If that’s true, then perhaps being “wrong” isn’t a failure at all.  Perhaps it’s proof that we’re still alive, still learning, still becoming.

“The important thing is not to stop questioning.  Curiosity has its own reason for existence.  One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality.  It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery each day. — —”Old Man’s Advice to Youth: ‘Never Lose a Holy Curiosity.'” LIFE Magazine (2 May 1955) p. 64” — ― Albert Einstein

What Do Sun Tzu, Musashi Miyamoto and Magnus Carlsen Have to Say about Life, Love and Death?

18 Aug 2025 10 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I have lived much of my life thinking and planning ahead.  I have often been laughed at because of how far ahead I like to plan.  But for some reason, I grew up believing that the secret to life (if there was one) lie in being ahead of the game.  I learned to play chess quite early on and by six, I could beat my father who taught me the game.  Three of my heroes in respect to planning are three men who all excelled in the art of strategy albeit very different arenas.  I am going to briefly introduce these three men and then invite you to sit down and listen to a discussion between the three men on strategy. 

Magnus Carlsen (Born 1990) is considered by many to be the greatest chess player who has ever lived.  He has now surpassed both Bobby Fisher and Garry Kasparov as the greatest champion ever.  Magnus is a genius on the chessboard which in some ways is a metaphor for military strategy and planning.  Carlsen is from the cerebral world of modern chess and is a wizard who plays out strategy on a strictly cognitive level. 

“Carlsen is a five-time World Chess Champion, five-time World Rapid Chess Champion, and the reigning (shared with Ian Nepomniachtchi) eight-time World Blitz Chess Champion.  He has held the No. 1 position in the FIDE rankings since 1 July 2011, the longest consecutive streak and trails only Garry Kasparov in total time as the highest-rated player in the world.  His peak rating of 2882 is the highest in history.  He also holds the record for the longest unbeaten streak at the elite level in classical chess at 125 games.” — Wikipedia

In terms of mortal combat, Musashi Miyamoto is hands down the greatest fighter who ever lived.  Musashi is from the deadly pragmatism of samurai combat.  He was a swordsman in feudal Japan (1584-1645) who went on a quest to defeat the greatest swordsmen of his time.  He was undefeated in 62 duels to the death with the Katana.  There is nothing fake or theoretical about facing an opponent with a 37-inch razor sharp sword capable of cutting you in half.  Musashi went on to memorialize his fighting strategy in a famous book called “The Book of Five Rings.”   

Sun Tzu (544 BCE) was a Chinese military general, strategist, philosopher, and writer who lived during the Eastern Zhou period.  Sun Tzu derived his strategies from ancient statecraft and military philosophy.  He wrote a famous book on strategy called “The Art of War.”  It has been used for centuries as a bible for military strategy.  I have referred to it so many times in my strategic planning sessions that I feel like I almost know it by heart.  The book is also widely used for strategy in business and life.  It teaches you to be prepared for anything and the number of quotes that you can gleam from this book about strategy are almost unlimited. 

In this blog, you are going to be privileged to listen to what these three men have to say about living, loving, fighting and dying.  It might surprise you to find that each man is in his own way a humanist and idealist but also a pragmatist.  If having all three of these traits together sounds impossible or quite contradictory, then listen to their discussion and decide for yourself.  I think you may just find a number of useful ideas about life from these men. 

John:  I am very glad that the three of you can meet with me today.  I have introduced each of you to my readers, but it was probably gratuitous since you are each very well known.  Can we start off by talking about life and living?  Though each of you deal in some sense with combat and finality , what about the work of daily living and making a good life for oneself? 

Sun Tzu: Life must be ordered like a campaign.  To live well is to understand terrain—your circumstances—and to position yourself so that conflict becomes unnecessary.  The greatest victory is to live in harmony with the world without struggling against it.

Musashi: Living is training.  Every day is practice for the Way.  To hold the sword and the brush in balance, to adapt fluidly—this is how one lives without wasting time.

Carlsen: In chess and in life, position matters more than immediate gains.  If you think ten moves ahead, you can avoid many of life’s traps.  But it’s also about enjoying the game, not just winning it. “Without the element of enjoyment, it is not worth trying to excel at anything.”

John:  What about loving?  Does love play a role in your lives?  If so, how?

Musashi:  Love is dangerous if it binds you to attachment.  Yet the Way is also compassion.  The warrior should protect, not just destroy.

Sun Tzu:  Love is alliance.  To love is to strengthen morale, to bind others to your cause.  Without loyalty and affection, no army—or family—stands.

Carlsen:  Love requires intuition.  Like in chess, you don’t calculate every detail—you feel the position. Trust in the flow between two people, rather than forcing the moves.

John:  Fighting is something that I have experienced a great deal of in my life.  I have experienced physical fighting and emotional fighting.  My father taught me a great deal about fighting.  I have come to believe that anything worth having is worth fighting for.  Sometimes it has seemed my life has been more about fighting than about love.  What are your feelings about fighting? 

Sun Tzu:  Needless fighting is stupid and folly. “To win one hundred victories in one hundred battles is not the acme of skill.  To subdue the enemy without fighting is the acme of skill.”

Musashi:  You cannot always avoid the duel.  When you must fight, commit totally.  Strike with no hesitation, see beyond form, and your opponent will already be defeated in spirit.

Carlsen:  Fighting is about controlling the board.  You win by shaping the game, so your opponent runs out of good moves.  Aggression without calculation is reckless; patience is its own weapon. “Some people think that if their opponent plays a beautiful game, it’s okay to lose. I don’t.  You have to be merciless.”

John:  What about dying?  Does war and life and fighting mean that we must accept death as a potential price that we pay for living a good life? 

Musashi:  Death is nothing to fear.  To follow the Way is to be ready to die at any moment. If you cling to life, you will hesitate, and hesitation kills.  I have written that, “The Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.”

Sun Tzu:  The wise commander spares his troops.  To die meaninglessly is folly.  But to give one’s life for a greater order, when no alternative remains, that is the ultimate discipline.

Carlsen:  In chess, every game ends with death—the king is trapped.  But the beauty is that the board is reset, and you play again.  Perhaps death is just the end of one game, with another waiting.

John:  This has been quite an interesting conversation.  Let me end the discussion with one final question that I would like each of you to speak to.  How does one find meaning and purpose in life and live a life of integrity while pursuing these goals? 

Musashi:  Meaning is found in the Way — in disciplined practice of one’s craft, whether with the sword or the brush.  Purpose is not in wealth, fame, or fleeting pleasures, but in constant refinement of the self.  Integrity is to act without hesitation, without deceit, and without wasting time on what does not serve the Way.  A life devoted to mastery is a life of purpose.”

Sun Tzu:  Purpose comes from aligning one’s life with harmony — with heaven, earth, and the order of things.  To live with integrity is to understand both your strengths and limitations, and to act with balance rather than recklessness.  Meaning is not found in chaos, but in creating stability for yourself and others.  When your actions serve a greater order and bring benefit without needless harm, your life has purpose.”

Magnus Carlsen:  For me, meaning is about challenge and growth.  Chess has taught me that purpose lies in doing something you love, pushing yourself, and finding joy in the struggle, even when you lose.  Integrity means competing honestly — no shortcuts, no excuses — and respecting your opponents.  If you live true to what excites you, and stay consistent with your values, you’ll have both purpose and integrity.

John:  Thank you all very much.  You have given me a great deal to think about.  I am hoping my readers also find value in your wisdom and insights.  

Conclusions:  I mentioned that I thought that all three men blended the values of humanism, idealism and pragmatism.  Here are my reasons for saying so about each man. 

Miyamoto Musashi (samurai, artist, strategist)

  • Humanism: Surprisingly present, though in a hard-edged way. Musashi’s writings show care for clarity, honesty, and living authentically. His calligraphy and painting also suggest an appreciation for the fullness of human life, not just killing.
  • Idealism: While somewhat limited, Musashi rejects romantic notions and insists on practicality.  Yet, he is idealistic in his devotion to the Way — a life lived with complete discipline and readiness for death.
  • Pragmatism: Very Dominant.  Musashi is above all a pragmatist — he won by adaptability, by not being bound to tradition, and by focusing on what works in the moment.  His famous line “Do nothing that is of no use” captures his essence.

Sun Tzu (general, philosopher, system-thinker)

  • Humanism: Strong, but collective rather than individual.  Sun Tzu emphasizes preserving life — “The skillful fighter subdues the enemy without fighting.” His concern is with the well-being of troops, states, and the larger order of society.
  • Idealism: Present in his pursuit of harmony, he believed conflict should serve higher goals — stability, order, prosperity — not destruction for its own sake.  His writings contain a vision of a just, balanced world.
  • Pragmatism: Essential to Sun Tzu’s work is a manual for success in the real world. He advocates preparation, intelligence, deception, and efficiency.  No illusions — but always tied to a broader purpose.

Magnus Carlsen (modern competitor, thinker, cultural figure)

  • Humanism: Clear and direct.  Carlsen is grounded in relationships, respect for opponents, and joy in play.  He emphasizes fairness and humility — deeply humanist values in a competitive field.
  • Idealism: More subtle but his idealism lies in his belief in chess as a universal language and art form, where truth can be found through the board.  His pursuit of perfection in play is, in a sense, idealistic.
  • Pragmatism: Very strong. Carlsen is known for his practical style — grinding small advantages, avoiding flashy risks, and adapting to opponents.  His quote “I believe in good moves, not psychology” shows his pragmatism at work.

Several years ago (2016), I went to NYC to watch Magnus play the Russian Sergey Alexandrovich Karjakin.  It was the first time the International chess tournament had been held in NYC since the epic battle in 1974 between Fischer and Spassky.  I would have been 28 years old at the time in 1974 and had long since given up chess playing.  I might have been a very good player but as with so many things in my life, I did not have the discipline or courage to stick with the game.  Nevertheless, the strategic comparisons between America and Poker and Chess and Russia have significantly influenced my life.

In studying strategy, it has led me to the twin concepts of predictive strategy and opportunistic strategy.  One thinks many moves ahead while the other seizes the moment.  I have found that both are necessary in life.  A good strategy in life will be built on an understanding of the relationship between the two.  On a more practical level, I have applied this to our travels.  Karen and I have now been to 45 countries and every one of the 50 U.S States.  All, and I say this proudly ALL of our trips have been great, and each one seems to be better than the last one.  I submit that this is due to having a great traveling companion but also to a plan based on looking down the road while seizing those moment-to-moment opportunities that pop up. 

One Final Note Please:

If you are interested in what Miyamoto meant by the “Way” that he referred to, it is a philosophy he developed that encompasses the following attitudes and virtues. This information is from Google AI.

  • Discipline: Musashi emphasized the importance of self-discipline in all aspects of life, considering it a crucial element in achieving any goal and overcoming challenges.
  • Mastery and self-improvement: Striving for excellence in a chosen path and mastering oneself, thoughts, and actions.
  • Understanding and applying strategy: The “Way” also refers to the art of strategy (Heiho) which, for Musashi, transcended just combat and applied to all aspects of life.
  • Holistic approach to life: He believed the principles of swordsmanship could be applied to various pursuits and aspects of life, encouraging individuals to understand the “Way broadly” to see it in everything.
  • Balance: The ideal warrior, according to Musashi, excelled in both martial arts and the arts, a concept known as Bunbu Ryodo. 

In essence, “The Way” for Musashi represents a life-long journey of learning, self-cultivation, discipline, and the pursuit of mastery, not just in martial arts but in all aspects of life. Not a bad way of living I would think.

I great deal of my information is based on information I extracted from ChatGPT 5.0. The final blog is a composite of research, theory and some of the quotes from on-line sources.

The Perfect Day When Everything Went Right!

20 Jun 2025 6 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Did you ever have a day when “everything” went right.  A day when you got up on the right side of the bed.  The phone rang all day with calls from good friends instead of spam and telemarketing messages.  Everyone just called to chat, and no one had any problems or issues to face.  A day when the sun was shining and the weather was perfect.  There were no bugs or mosquitoes to be found anyplace in your town.  You felt like a million dollars with no aches or pains.  No one you knew was going  to the doctor for cancer treatments or therapy of any kind.  It was as the younger generation like to say “Perfect.”

Now as you are reading this, you are probably thinking “He must be daydreaming, such days do not exist.”  Or maybe you are thinking that it is my birthday.  I concede the possibility that such days are perhaps rare, but then again should they be any more rare than days where “Everything that could go wrong” did go wrong.  Or is it just our perspective which is goofed up.  We are more likely to remember the days when our dog disappeared or when the doctor told us to come in and see her as soon as possible than days when our dog reappeared or the doctor called to tell us everything is fine.  Cognitive scientists have a term for our propensity to remember the bad more than the good.

“Negativity Bias” is a cognitive bias that refers to the tendency to remember negative events and information more vividly and with greater impact than positive or neutral ones.  I will not bore you with the reasons for this propensity.  I am sure that you recognize that it exists.  Thus, if the Yin/Yang of the world is an accurate theory of our existence, we should have at least as many of the Perfect Days as we do the Shitty days.

I ask you to stop reading this blog for a few seconds.  I challenge you to see if and when you can remember the last perfect day that you have had.  Now I would like for you to describe that day in my comments section before reading the rest of this blog.  Think of the happiness you will bring to me as well as the rest of our readers.  What if the news carried as much good information as they do bad information?  What would your world be like if you only remembered and had perfect days.

At this point, you are probably ready to skewer me as some deranged Pollyanna or Don Quixote. A nutcase who sees everything through rose colored glasses.  Someone who is madly optimistic that there is hope for a better world.  That Donald Trump will not get a statue on Mount Rushmore and that he and his sycophantic followers will soon disappear in the abyss of forgotten history.  I assure you that I go to sleep every night praying to a god that I do not believe exists that these latter events will happen while I am still alive to witness them.  Instead, I wake up every morning to more bad news from the front line of the independent media I subscribe to. Thus, either giving me less hope for humanity or making me feel guilty by asking me for more money that I do not have.

See, you thought I was going to write some really optimistic idealistic treatise that would make you feel like your existence meant something and life was worth living.  Instead, I refer you to Ecclesiastes from the Bible:

Everything Is Meaningless

1 The words of the Teacher,[a] son of David, king in Jerusalem:

2 “Meaningless! Meaningless!”

    says the Teacher.

“Utterly meaningless!

    Everything is meaningless.”

3 What do people gain from all their labors

    at which they toil under the sun?

4 Generations come and generations go,

    but the earth remains forever.

5 The sun rises and the sun sets,

    and hurries back to where it rises.

6 The wind blows to the south

    and turns to the north;

round and round it goes,

    ever returning on its course.

7 All streams flow into the sea,

    yet the sea is never full.

To the place the streams come from,

    there they return again.

8 All things are wearisome,

    more than one can say.

The eye never has enough of seeing,

    nor the ear its fill of hearing.

9 What has been will be again,

    what has been done will be done again;

    there is nothing new under the sun.

10 Is there anything of which one can say,

    “Look! This is something new”?

It was here already, long ago;

    it was here before our time.

11 No one remembers the former generations,

    and even those yet to come

will not be remembered

    by those who follow them.

However, I refuse to finish this blog on a nihilistic note.  I want to finish on a crescendo of hope and faith and happiness.  A belief that one idea, one word spoken, one action taken, one step forward can change the course of humanity.  We can look back to the past and find untold mistakes and failures that have eclipsed the sunlight of joy for the world.  But we can also look forward to a future that we can create because the vast majority of human beings are decent peace-loving equality seeking individuals.  The Negativity Bias blinds us to the positive outcomes that prevail every day in our lives.  At the end of each day, we seem destined to remember the bad things that happen in the world.  This effort is reinforced by a negative biased media which thrives on horror and destruction and pain.  I love the words from this song by Peter Paul and Mary,  “Light One Candle”

Light one candle for the terrible sacrifice

Justice and freedom demand

And light one candle for the wisdom to know

When the peacemaker’s time is at hand

 

Don’t let the light go out!

It’s lasted for so many years

Don’t let the light go out!

Let it shine through our love and our tears

 

Light one candle for the strength that we need

To never become our own foe

And light one candle for those who are suffering

Pain we learned so long ago                                                                                                               

Light one candle for all we believe in

Let anger not tear us apart!

Light one candle to bind us together

With peace as the song in our heart

 

Don’t let the light go out!

It’s lasted for so many years! (lasted for so many years!)

Don’t let the light go out!

Let it shine through our love and our tears

We need to counter this tendency for negative bias by reinforcing the positive “perfect” days of our lives.  Here is a checklist that ChatGPT created from my query:

It is a printable daily practice checklist to help overcome negative bias.  You can use it as a daily or weekly tracker to build habits that shift your mindset toward balance and resilience.

🌞 Daily Practice Checklist: Overcoming Negative Bias

Practice Done Today? ✅ Notes or Reflections
1. Morning Gratitude: List 3 things you’re grateful for. ☐
2. Reframe 1 Negative Thought: Catch a negative thought and reframe it positively. ☐
3. Notice the Good: Write down one positive thing that happened today. ☐
4. Kindness Practice: Do one kind thing for someone else. ☐
5. Mindful Moment: Spend 5+ minutes in meditation or quiet reflection. ☐
6. Move Your Body: Take a walk, stretch, or exercise. ☐
7. Limit Negative Input: Avoid or reduce exposure to toxic media or conversations. ☐
8. Evening Reflection: What went well today? What did you learn? ☐

🗓️ Weekly Reflection (Use at the end of the week)

  • What patterns of negative bias did I notice?
  • What helped me shift my mindset the most?
  • What’s one small thing I want to improve next week?

The End Folks. 

Hope you enjoyed this blog.  Let me know what your perfect day was. 

The Orgasm of Life

29 Mar 2025 6 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Life is one big orgasm.  From the day we are born until the day we die, we experience joy, pain, love and suffering.  We go down endless passages to hell and climb endless staircases to heaven.  We have mega highs and minor lows and sometimes the other way around.  We have experiences that we cannot describe and others that we would sooner not.  We lay in bed at the end of a day that was beyond our wildest dreams.  We silently  pray that tomorrow will be the day when at least one of our wishes comes true.  Or we pray that the present one will never end.

Some of us discover ecstatic orgasms.  Earth shaking, mind blowing, out of body experiences that rival anything we ever saw in a movie, but just as transient.  Some of us go through life faking fantastic orgasms.  Some of us never take risks, never open our hearts, never open our minds.  We seek shelter from anything that might excite our senses or become moments of rapture.  We hide behind large oak trees where no one will see us.  We play hide and seek with life from the time we wake up until the time we go to sleep.  Why, oh why the muse in us asks?  But there is no one there to answer our whys.

Mysteries like orgasms assail us at the most inopportune times.  An orgasm has been described as something we think that we can never get enough of.  Endless feelings of bliss fuse our bodies together in a symphony on earth.  However, life does not provide a never-ending chorus.  Like the seasons that come and go and go and come, our  experiences are fleeting.  We wish that we could hold onto them forever, but our efforts always prove that it is  an impossible dream.  There is a satanic spirit  who lurks in the shadows ready to snatch our happiness from us.  God fiddles while we are tormented.

My fantasies of endless orgasms always proves too much for my feeble body.  In truth, it may just be one or two that I want, but that is more than enough.  I need to undergo a superhuman rejuvenation before even that is possible again.  The movies show stars having incredible sex that never stops.  The reality is that most marriages in Hollywood break up before the movie is over.

Our lives are full of blond goddesses and studs with six pack abs who promise orgasms that not even Buddha could not imagine.  The world sells us on the idea of one big orgasmic oyster, just waiting for us to open the shell and swallow.  Alas, we eat the smaller than expected oyster and find that we cannot afford another one.  Have you seen the prices for oysters these days?

Well, tomorrow is another day, and the cycle of life goes on.  We run after joy like rats on a treadmill only to discover that it evaporates as soon as we find it.  There is no endless joy or happiness or pain or suffering on earth.  It is all a mirage.  As Shakespeare said, “Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more.”   We are nothing but brief candles that flicker for a short time and then go out.  Our hopes for endless orgasms are as delusional as the love that often accompanies them.

Pack up your fantasies my friend and move on.  Perhaps an endless orgasm awaits you just around the next corner.

Are You a Little Weird?

22 Mar 2025 7 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , ,

“Are you a little weird?”   “Of course not you would say.”  No one wants to be thought weird.  Not little babies, not adults and certainly not teenagers.  But I don’t think being weird is really such a bad thing.  In fact, I think the world needs more weird people.  If you look at the so called “normal people” in Washington these days, it would be great if we had more weird people.

I want to be weird.  Weird people do strange things and do not try to be like other people.  Weird people are not conformists and dance to their own tunes.  Weird people do not look and dress like other people.  Sometimes, weird people come from other countries.  Weird people eat weird things like lefse, lutefisk, snail salad, Kim Chee,  Hákarl, chicken feet, Hagis and Rocky Mountain Oysters.  Weird people dress strangely as well.  They don’t all wear ripped blue jeans and t-shirts.

If I call you weird, you will probably not take it as a compliment.  Isn’t that sad?  Why are we so afraid of being weird?  Weird people don’t want to fight wars in strange lands.  I never had a fight with a weird person.  Weird people seem to believe in live and let live.  Weird people don’t want to hurt other people or rape the environment.  Isn’t’ that strange?  You never get flyers from weird people saying, “Please send me money, I am running for office.”  Or “send me money now and I will stop sending you spam mail and hacking your credit cards.”

Weird people are probably Un-American.  You never see weird people wearing t-shirts that say, “These Colors Don’t run.”  Or “Send all the Immigrants Back.”  For some reason, weird people are not very patriotic.  They seem to endorse the view that “Patriotism is the Last Refuge of a Scoundrel.”  I spent four years in the military during the Vietnam War and I met very few if any weird people in the military.  I never met any weird Captains or Colonels and certainly not any weird Generals.  It is considered quite normal in warfare to bomb the hell out of anyone you want to save.  Ergo, the phase “Ours is not to question why, ours is but to do and die.”  Weird people might challenge that phrase but then they would be put in front of a firing squad.

I know that when I grew up, parents did not want their kids to be weird.  They wanted them to play sports like other kids.  Go to school like other kids.  Go to college and get a good job like other kids and watch the same TV programs as other kids.  Most normal families want their kids to fit into the American dream.  They want their kids to be rich, famous, successful and have lots of money.  They don’t want their kids to associate with weird people.  “Watch out for that weird guy on the corner!”  “Stay away from those weird girls.”  “Don’t dress so weird or you will not be liked.”  “Why can’t you be like all the other kids.”

“Don’t do anything weird” is the secret to success in America.  Play golf on Saturday, go to church on Sunday (none of those weird religions please like Jehovah Witnesses, Zen Buddhists or Hari Krishnas) stick to churches that praise our war efforts and preach the “Prosperity Gospel.”  Let’s all gather in the Rose Garden and pray for success in our next war.

Weird people are not wanted in America.  Weird people stick out like sore thumbs.  Who wants weird people living on their street or in their gated communities or their RV parks.  Weird people often come in a variety of colors and even genders.  Some weird people say that they are not male or female but are really neutral or transgender or nonbinary or some other weird categories that normal people cannot pronounce.  Weird people often have weird ethnic affiliations that are hard for normal (White) people to understand.  Her mother was from Ethiopia, but her mother’s parents were from Malaysia and Indonesia.  Her father was from Nigeria, but his parents were from Scotland and Nova Scotia.  Hard to send weird people back to where they come from since some of them come from such weird places.

Well, that is all for today folks.  If you spot any weird people, please be tolerant, kind and compassionate towards them.  Whatever you do, please do not call Trump’s “Office of Normal People Only Wanted Here” to report them.  They will be happier if you just ignore them.   By the way, where I live in Arizona, Mexicans and Canadians are actually not considered weird. 

 

Rhythm and Writing:  The Beat of Life

21 Mar 2025 Leave a comment

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

maxresdefault

Allegro:  a brisk lively tempo

What does the beating of my heart have to do with my writing?  What does writing have to do with making love?  Can the changing of the seasons be compared to a concert overture?  What is the relationship between T. S. Eliot’s “Four Quartets 2: East Coker” poem and Stravinsky’s “The Rites of Spring?”  What does musical rhythm have to do with writing?

unnamedOn some primal level, we all live by an unseen law of rhythm.  The rhythm of the universe controls an eternal dance between the atoms and molecules that make up our existence.  This natural rhythm imparts an inexorable symmetry to all of life.  A regulated succession of strong and weak elements of opposite and contrasting conditions that becomes the master of all that we do.  Buddhists call it the Yin and Yang of being.

Springtime is upon us.

The birds celebrate her return with festive song,

and murmuring streams are softly caressed by the breezes.

Thunderstorms, those heralds of Spring, roar, casting their dark mantle over heaven,

Then they die away to silence, and the birds take up their charming songs once more.  — (From Vivaldi’s “Four Seasons:  Spring”, Concerto in E Major) 

DrumsticksIn countless ways, we observe that there is fundamentally no difference between writing or between a piece of choreography and the changing climate.  Creativity is carved out of the passion that is in everything we do.  The body and mind embrace in a never-ending minuet.  The music ebbs and flows.  Our love is gentle, restrained, then wild and feral. Mornings, afternoons, evenings, and nights fuse with the seasons of spring, summer, fall and winter.  The harsh gales of November resonate in the refrains of Tchaikovsky and Beethoven.  “Summer Breeze” by Seals and Crofts ushers in the scorching days of July.  Poetry rings out in the rap music of the streets while the mellow voices of choir singers comfort the soul.  All things are one say the mystics.  If my writing is one with all things, will the tempo of my words cool, heat, soothe or disrupt the fashions of life?

reading-writing-rhythm

Adagio: a slow and stately tempo

Far be it for me to confuse philosophy with art.  Greater men than I have acknowledged that there is a unity to life.  We travel down our different paths often blind to the journeys of others who walk side by side with us. This one a carpenter, this one a computer scientist, this one a teacher, this one an artist and this one a hero.  Some of us have a long journey and some of us have a short journey.  For some the journey is rough and chaotic and for others the journey is smooth and predictable.  There are slow times in our journeys and there are fast times.  The rhythm of life is never the same for any of us.

Oh, it’s the same as the emotion that I get from you

You got the kind of lovin’ that can be so smooth, yeah

Give me your heart, make it real, or else forget about it — (From “Smooth”, by Santana)

For some, life is poverty and for others it is uncountable wealth.  The rich man longs for the anonymity and slower days of the poor man.  The poor man can be heard singing, “If I were a rich man, lord who made the lion and the lamb, would it really spoil your cosmic plan if I were a wealthy man?”

9781780231075We are all dust in the wind but our rhythms echo through the halls of time.  The most unforgettable and amazing repetitions will continue as long as humans walk the earth.  Coded in the numerous ways we have of capturing the rhythm of our lives.  Some code in music, some in text and some in clay. Some codes are dynamic, some peaceful, some violent and some sad.  We write our lyrics, pen our verses, create our stanzas, and design our choreography.  All efforts guided by the unseen law of rhythm.  Now we are hard, now we are brittle.  Now we roar and now we snore.

Scherzo:  a sprightly humorous movement commonly in quick triple time

Love is kind, love is considerate, love is not selfish. The waltz was a creation of times when love was more restrained.  Centuries of constrained love making has been supplanted, extending our beings, becoming our challenge.  The Tango alternates patterns of space and closeness with syncopated rhythms of violence and passion.  Love me tender, love me sweet, never let me go.  Rock and Roll ushered in a wild abandonment of morality to a tune of conspicuous sexuality.  The rhythm of music exhibits striking harmonies with the rhythm of our love lives.  Can I be soft and gentle like a warm breeze but also wild and unrestrained like in the pulp novels?  Shall I make love to the William Tell overture or would Shakira’s lyrics work better?

Baby I would climb the Andes solely 

To count the freckles on your body 

Never could imagine there were only

Too many ways to love somebody  — (From “Whenever, Wherever,” by Shakira)

Good+Rhythm+Example

Should my love making follow a classical structure or should it be more jazz like?  Is it enough to alternate patterns of tenderness with patterns of spontaneity or should I begin with an allegro, then an adagio, followed by a scherzo and conclude with a rondo?  And what of those who expect love to end with a crescendo or those who enjoy more syncopated jazz?

ab67616d0000b2736a0d8ec00c6f8e9828418f5c

Rondo: a recurring leading theme often found in the final movement of a sonata

Whether goes my writing.  I have written this concerto to writing in four parts to reflect the universality of the rhythm of life.  We form, norm, storm and then perform.  Spring is the opening that brings fresh growth to our world before the bloom of summer.  Summer brings the maturity and ripeness of life.  Fall brings the storms and winds that signify our frailty and insignificance to the universe.  Winter ends our symphony with the closure and solace that our work is done, and our day is over.

Blog+Image+-++Seasonal+RhythmsThe rhythm of life runs through our heart beats.  It runs through literature.  It runs through music.  Great music has rhythms that exhibit great variation.  Fast, slow, moderate than fast again.  Interesting speakers have a sense of rhythm in their talks.  Have you ever heard a lecture or a sermon without rhythm?  It will put you to sleep in less than five minutes.  Writing and speaking, just like music, must contain elements of rhythm.  A heart without rhythm ceases to beat.  Writing without rhythm is boring.  Life without rhythm is death.

To feel the rhythm of life,

To feel the powerful beat,

To feel the tingle in your fingers,

To feel the tingle in your feet. — (From “Rhythm Of Life,” 1969 Motion Picture Soundtrack, Song by Sammy Davis Jr.)

Our work, our art, our thoughts, and our lives are concluded with a hope to be reborn again.  We wish that someone will see the need to resume the rhythms that we have started.  Never a finality to our rhythms.  Only a continuation that started before us and will continue long after our memorials are put up.  Your headstone may simply have one verse on it or possibly it will be like the newest greeting cards.  They will walk up to your grave and press a button.  You will appear with a menu of options, and your visitor can select a video of you either singing or dancing or perhaps reading one of your writings.  Everything will have a four-part harmony.

rhythm-is-life-prints

Time For Questions:  

Does music teach you anything about writing?  Does music speak to you?  Can writing be like a symphony?  How do you hear music?  Does it speak to you like a good poem or a good verse? What is your favorite kind of writing?  Do you ever think that the writing you enjoy could be like music?  What would it take to transform the music in your life into writing or the writing in your life into music?

Imagine if I Lived in Another World?

22 Feb 2025 16 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

I woke up this morning trying to imagine what if I lived in another world in another place in another time.  What if I lived in a world where no one hated anyone else?  A world where loving others was the norm.  What if I lived in a world where everyone helped others with no thought of benefits to themselves?  What would a world be like with no greed, no selfishness and no narcissism? 

Then I thought of John Lennon’s song “Imagine.”  I can’t say I am too familiar with the lyrics from this song, but I realize I am treading on ground already imagined by many others.  Here are the lyrics from “Imagine” by John Lennon.

Imagine there’s no heaven
It’s easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us, only sky

Imagine all the people
Livin’ for today
Ah

Imagine there’s no countries
It isn’t hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion, too

Imagine all the people
Livin’ life in peace
You

You may say I’m a dreamer
But I’m not the only one
I hope someday you’ll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man

Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world
You

You may say I’m a dreamer
But I’m not the only one
I hope someday you’ll join us
And the world will live as one

Where could such a place be?  In a multiverse of possibilities, where could I find another world where peace and prosperity are guaranteed for all?  Surely, in a universe of all possibilities somewhere else people live in harmony with their environment and do not force others to live according to their standards.  Surely, there is some place in the multiverse where tolerance and respect for all is the norm. 

I would like to imagine a place like the planet Vulcan with the famous Vulcan IDIC.  Infinite Diversity through Infinite Combination.  I would like to imagine a place where people who talk about diversity and equity and inclusion are not treated as pariahs and outcasts.  I would like to imagine a world where sexual preferences are the norm and people are not expected to conform to simple dualities. 

I would like to imagine somewhere exists maybe over the rainbow where there is no homelessness and no starvation.  I would like to imagine a place where rape and child abuse are unheard of.  A place where anyone of any color or sexual orientation is free from abuse and threats and fear for their lives.  I would like to imagine a place where little children and women can walk freely at any time of the day or night without worrying about being murdered or assaulted. 

I am nowhere near the dreamer that John Lennon was though I think dreamers should be sacred in our world.  I would like to see a place or country where people dream more and hate less. 

I woke up this morning feeling like I am in the wrong world at the wrong time and in the wrong place. I don’t belong here anymore.  I can’t read the news or listen to the radio or watch tv because they keep shouting to me over and over and over again that I don’t belong here anymore.  I have outlived my time and my usefulness.  I can only mourn for a place that is beyond my imagination. 

I want to live in a world where kindness and compassion and respect for all human beings is the norm.  Somewhere, I keep imagining that there is a place where violence and jealousy and revenge do not exist. 

Perhaps if I go back to sleep, I can return to reality.  I can stop imagining things that only bring me tears and heartache.  Things that make me loath my own humanity.  I wonder if I can ever find a brotherhood or sisterhood of love again in this world.  Perhaps in my dreams, I can find the place I want to go to. 

 

The Lost Art of Leadership: Lessons on Leadership from Abraham Lincoln

03 Feb 2025 5 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

America has lost the “Art of Leadership.”  We no longer develop men and women with integrity and courage.  Instead of Statesmen, we have political hacks only concerned with getting reelected.  Instead of people with a backbone and the guts to stand up against injustice, we have a Congress of sycophants willing to do whatever they are told to do regardless of how unethical or immoral it may be.  We have thousands of lawyers who do not uphold justice but find arguments to support an amorality that meets the letter of the law but ignores the significance of decency, goodness, honesty, conscience and fairness.

In my next blogs, I want to write about 41 insights regarding leadership from one of the greatest American leaders and Presidents of all time.  I found a compilation of these insights in an old collectors edition of “Civil War Times” published in Winter, 2013.  I would like for you to hear the words of Abraham Lincoln and what he had to say about leadership.  I will include some of my own experiences from my years of working with senior management in over 32 organizations.  Some of the men and women I worked with were incredible leaders.  Most of them wanted to be better leaders and that is where I brought the teachings and thoughts of W. E. Deming to my consulting practice.  Dr. Deming achieved extraordinary results in business by tapping the knowledge, skills and abilities of ordinary people.  Senator Hubert Humphrey famously said that “Democracy is a system that achieves extraordinary results with ordinary people.”

I should issue one caveat before I begin this series.  There are some who disparage “Honest Abe” as not really caring about slavery.  They argue, Lincoln only fought the war to save the Union and not to free the slaves.  My readings and knowledge of Lincoln shows that nothing, I repeat NOTHING could be further from the truth.  Lincoln was appalled at slavery from the time he was a young child until he issued the Emancipation Proclamation.  The idea that Abe did not care about slavery is a lie fostered by a bitter Confederacy that wanted to hide their heinous practice behind the cloak of states rights.

Lincoln said,  “I have here stated my purpose according to my view of official duty; and I intend no modification of my oft-expressed personal wish that all men everywhere could be free.”  –August 22, 1862, Letter to Horace Greeley

Lincoln also said, “My paramount object in this struggle is to save the Union and is not either to save or destroy slavery.  If I could save the Union without freeing any slave I would do it.” —August 22, 1862, Letter to Horace Greeley

Two very different goals.  Two very different thoughts.  What are we to make of Lincoln’s motivations?  The Confederacy pushed the latter because it justified their defense of States rights to choose slavery as a viable economic system.  Several of the constitutions of the new Confederate states proclaimed their rights to practice slavery.

In its statement for seceding from the Union, the state of Georgia wrote the following:

“The party of Lincoln, called the Republican party, under its present name and organization, is of recent origin.  It is admitted to be an anti-slavery party.  While it attracts to itself by its creed the scattered advocates of exploded political heresies, of condemned theories in political economy, the advocates of commercial restrictions, of protection, of special privileges, of waste and corruption in the administration of Government, anti-slavery is its mission and its purpose.”

Alexander H. Stephens, the Confederate vice president said the following:

“Our new government is founded upon . . . its foundations are laid, its corner-stone rests, upon the great truth that the negro is not equal to the white man; that slavery – subordination to the superior race – is his natural and normal condition.”

Lincoln was always against slavery.  Long before he became president he argued about the evil and immorality of slavery.  He modified this position to include saving the Union at the beginning of the war as a political expedient to gain support for the war.  As it became clear that the North would win and thereby have the power to free the slaves and abolish slavery, that became his main objective.  There can be no doubt that he did both.  There can be no doubt that in doing so, he signed his death certificate.  Like Martin Luther King, Malcolm X and many other civil rights martyrs, the cause of equal rights for all has always been a precarious position to assume.

Lincoln said that “Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.”  Martin Luther King in his famous “I have a Dream” speech said that this promise was an uncashed check.  It is now “Eight Score” years from the date of the Emancipation Proclamation and we are once again engaged in a battle between racism and equality, between prejudice and tolerance and between fascism and democracy.  We have begun a new “Uncivil War” which has divided the hearts, minds and loyalties of Americans from the East Coast to the West Coast every bit as deeply as did our first Civil War.

Today we face a battle between those who believe that America should be a White Supremacist Christian nation ruled by rich oligarchs and those who believe in the concepts of Equity, Diversity and Inclusion.  One half of America wants to create a country that believes in the concepts of White exceptionalism, America First and Evangelical Christianity above all over religions.  This half praises individual rights above individual responsibilities.  The rights of the individual are more important than the rights of society.

The other half of America wants to create a country where racism, sexism, exclusivity and prejudice does not exist.  This half believes that responsibilities are just as important as rights.  That the rights of others in society must be protected from those who would trample on them.  This group believes in democracy over oligarchy.  These Americans believe that we all have the right to “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness” as long as we take responsibility to insure that everyone in our nation shares these rights.

The war between these two sides of America has now entered a new phase.  The first phase started many years ago.  The second phase has started on January 21, 2025.  I want to help us to remember the ideas and insights of Abraham Lincoln as we move into this second phase.

Insight # 1

Fight the Good Fight:  The probability that we may fall in the struggle ought not to deter us from the support of a cause we believe to be just.  — Springfield, Illinois, 12/20/1839

Lincoln was thirty years old when he said these words.  They reflect the words of Frederic Douglas who said, “ If there is no struggle, there is no progress.  Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are men who want crops without plowing up the ground.” 

The words of Patrick Henry also come to my mind,

“If we wish to be free– if we mean to preserve inviolate those inestimable privileges for which we have been so long contending–if we mean not basely to abandon the noble struggle in which we have been so long engaged, and which we have pledged ourselves never to abandon until the glorious object of our contest shall be obtained–we must fight!  I repeat it, sir, we must fight!

I keep these words and thoughts in my mind as our “Uncivil War” commences the next four years to preserve and protect what we call our democracy.  I have no doubt that many people have struggled throughout American history to save things that they believed in.  There has been times when African Americans, Latinos, Women, Indigenous People, Asian Americans and LGBTQ people have all been persecuted and where life must have seemed totally unjust and not worth living.  Many of us woke up on November 6th with similar feelings.  I cringed when I saw people walking around town waving Trump flags and others proclaiming that they voted for Trump.  I consoled myself with “hoping they would get what they deserved.”  Then I realized that “hope” was not enough.  We must fight for what we believe in.

How do we fight an “Uncivil War”?  Insight # 2 from Old Abe has some valuable thoughts to help us in this struggle.  I will share these in my next blog.

 

A Theory of Relationships

08 Nov 2024 Leave a comment

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

I participate in a high school mentoring program which matches up young students with older experienced men and women.  This was my second year in the program.  My mentee last year graduated and has become an alumnus of the program.  This year I was matched up with another student.  My new mentee was a young high school junior.  She wrote to me one day that she was in a relationship with someone and that it had become serious.  She wanted my advice.  Never one to shirk giving advice, I seem to always fail to hew to the dictum that “Wise people won’t need it, and fools won’t heed it.”  I sent her some comments based on my two marriages and nearly 60 years of being in a committed relationship.  The sixty years includes both my marriages.

Some days later, I found some notes from my retreat this summer.  These notes also addressed the subject of relationships or shall I say a “theory” of relationships.  I want to talk about my theory in this blog.  For many of you it will probably be “common knowledge.”  Nevertheless, I am hoping my insights might be useful to anyone out there either beginning or struggling with a relationship.  A relationship might be a friendship, a family member, a group you belong to or a loved one.  I think my theory will have some value to any such relationship.

According to Google AI, a good theory consists of the following:

  • A good theory is falsifiable (can be tested and potentially disproven).
  • Theories are designed to explain and predict phenomena.
  • A theory should be parsimonious, meaning it uses the simplest explanation possible while still adequately explaining the phenomenon.

A theory consists of concepts, constructs, precepts, variables, relationships between variables and assumptions.  I am going to posit five assumptions about relationships and then try to explain each adding in some of the above parts of a theory.  I will explain why I think each of my assumptions is critical to a good relationship.  I am not going to try to claim that my theory is a “good” theory by any scientific data.  Rather, I would justify it based on my ups and downs with relationships over sixty or more years of experience.  But as Dr. W. E. Deming often said, “Experience without theory teaches nothing.”  Thus, herein is my “Theory of Relationships.”  I hope some of these ideas will help you or others along the pathway of love and life.

My five key assumptions about relationships are as follows: 

  1. Relationships require risk
  2. Relationships require change
  3. Relationships require more than commitments
  4. Relationships require sacrifice
  5. Relationships require knowledge of self and other 
  1. Relationships require risk

Almost any effort in life will entail some element of risk.  As the saying goes, “The turtle only makes progress by sticking its neck out.”  Risk is a key concept that runs through life.  It can be thought of as the probability that something will happen either good or bad.  For instance, when you bet at a Casino or perhaps take a Caribbean cruise.  You hope to win the bet, and you hope your cruise will be safe and fun.

In life, we try to minimize risk by back-up plans, precautions and strategies to offset risk.  Variables can be created in some cases to give us more definitive measures of how risky a specific endeavor is.  In gambling we call these odds.  In love, we are usually to foolish to accept any odds on our relationship going south.  However, some people do set up prenuptial contracts which are a method to hedge your bet on your relationship.  Most people in love though are blind to the possibility that their relationship will end.  Odds are though that it will end unhappily.

Many people accept it as a fact that forty to fifty percent of all first marriages end in divorce, but those who wed multiple times face a far higher divorce rate.  The average length of a first marriage in the United States is around eight years.  The average length of a second marriage is about seven years.  Sixty to seventy percent of second marriages end in divorce. 

Being aware of risk does not mean giving up on life.  It simply means we must be realistic about the possibilities that risk entails for relationships and all other endeavors (This includes friendships).  There are many ways to minimize risk in a relationship.  Here are just a few examples:

  • Marriage Encounter Groups
  • Family meetings weekly
  • Marriage counseling
  • Here are some ten ideas from “Women’s Health”:

10 Ways to Save Your Marriage From Divorce, Straight From Relationship Experts

  1. Relationships require change

Perhaps one of the most overlooked facts impacting a relationship is the need for change.  Right, “your other needs to change but you do not.”  You are perfectly okay.  Change is an interesting concept.  One of the things most feared in life is change.  Ironically, we could not survive without change.  Unfortunately, not all changes turn out well.  Herein lies another risk factor.  Will your change be for the better or worse?  Hard to put odds on change, but most relationships will not survive unless the partners are willing to change.

I don’t mean change in just a physical sense but change in an emotional and cognitive sense.  Are you willing to accept major changes in your ideas about life and relationships?  Are you willing to accept major changes in how you feel about certain activities and people?  Without change, we know that life grows stale and boring.  Relationships are no different.  A relationship without change will become boring.  Doing the same old things day after day.  Even worse is when you refuse to think about some of the ideas you have that relate to your significant other.  For instance, If he or she likes to travel and you do not, are you willing to go along or have your partner go with a friend?  What accommodation are you willing to make if you are not willing to change your own behavior?  Love requires change.

“We cannot change anything until we accept it.  Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.” — Carl Jung

  1. Relationships require more than commitments

We hear a great deal about commitment when it comes to relationships.  Making a commitment involves dedicating yourself to something, like a person or a cause.  A commitment obligates you to do something.  In a relationship, it might involve a commitment to fidelity or to some fiduciary obligations.  We promise to “Love, honor and obey” in some marriage vows.  We think that making a commitment is enough to keep our relationship in safe waters.  Some people think that a commitment can be embodied in a “Marriage Contract.”  Such a document spells out mutual responsibilities and agreements.

At our last Marriage Encounter meeting, I was introduced to the distinction between a “Marriage Contract” and a “Marriage Covenant.”

Covenant                                    Contract

Unconditional                             50/50 agreement

A Covenant is forever                A Contract can be terminated

A Covenant is limitless               A Contract has limits

We tend to think of Covenants when it comes to Bible history.  Covenants were made between God and his chosen people.  The idea of a contract is a modern legal term.  I think it erodes the very essence of spirituality that a marriage or committed relationship should embody.  We need to adhere to the idea of a Covenant when it comes to a relationship.  Anything less leads inevitably to less than a committed relationship.  We can simply terminate it when the going gets rough.

  1. Relationships require sacrifice

Another interesting concept, Sacrifice.  What does sacrifice mean?  Are there any variables that can measure our sacrifices?  Jesus said that the greatest sacrifice anyone can make is to give up their lives for another.  I think the greatest sacrifice is to love someone who is unlovable.  To love someone who is despicable like a pedophile or a serial killer or someone who bullies and threatens others.  I do not know about such sacrifices, and I am not sure if I could make them.  I admire the partner or mother or father who can stick by their spouses or siblings when all hell breaks loose.  Can you imagine being called up by the police and told that your son just shot 20 people at school.  Could you stand by them?  What sacrifice it must entail not to stop loving someone who has done such cruel acts!  Fortunately, most relationships will never demand such sacrifices.

The sacrifices we make in relationships can range from trivial (like which way to put toilet paper on the roll) to the significant.  More significant sacrifices might entail deciding who will stay home with the children or who will give up where they want to live for the other person’s choice.   You may not face many significant sacrifices in your relationships, but you will most assuredly face many trivial sacrifices.  These should not be discounted or minimized though.  As the quote goes, “For want of a nail the shoe was lost, For want of a shoe the horse was lost, For want of a horse the rider was lost, For want of a rider the battle was lost.”  Trivial things add up like the straw that broke the camels back.  The trivial can go from a mole hill to a mountain in less time than many of us realize.  When the trivial become the mountain, your relationship will be in jeopardy.  The trivial sacrifices in a relationship are anything but trivial but they are certainly inevitable.

  1. Relationships require knowledge of self and other

This is the toughest requirement of all.  Socrates said that “The unexamined life is not worth living.”  What if you have never examined your life?  How many people do you know who have done a rigorous examination of their life?  Jesus said, “Love your neighbor as yourself.”  But what if you do not love yourself.  In truth, I doubt many people do.  Many people have been so beaten up by parents, teachers, bullies and even loved ones that they actually hate themselves.  Few of these people want to know themselves because it means facing hidden demons that they would just like to leave buried.   Gandhi said, “Be the change that you want to see in others.”  This axiom encourages a certain amount of self-understanding as well as understanding of others.  All too often we have no time to understand either.  The perp that is trying to rob you at gun point will not have time for you to understand him.  Furthermore, you may care very little about his troubled up bringing.

My uber pessimism on a premise that I insist is necessary for a good relationship seems to doom any relationship to the graveyard.  If we can never know ourselves or others, how then can we have a positive happy relationship.  The secret is that we do not have to be perfect, nor do we need perfect knowledge of ourselves or others.  We can never and will never be perfectly transparent to ourselves or others anyway.  The JOHARI Window has a quadrant of “Unknown to Others and Unknown to Self.”  I have found the JOHARI window to be quite a useful concept on the path to discovering more about myself and thinking about my relationship with others.

“The Johari window model is used to enhance the individual’s perception on others.  This model is based on two ideas- trust can be acquired by revealing information about you to others and learning yourselves from their feedback.  Each person is represented by the Johari model through four quadrants or windowpane.  Each four windowpanes signifies personal information, feelings, motivation and whether that information is known or unknown to oneself or others in four viewpoints.” — The Johari Window Model

The risk will always be there, but we can work on being more self-aware and more honest to others.  That is the best we can do in life.  That is why relationships are risky.  You will never be able to see all the shoals and reefs that your life might flounder on.   Life is a process of never-ending discovery.  Death will eventually bring closure to your adventures and explorations.  Until then, just getting in bed is risky so why not try to live life to the fullest.  Get out of bed and go MAKE a good relationship.

 

 

Reconciliation Reflections

28 Sep 2024 2 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , ,

I want to pose five short stories or episodes dealing with forgiveness and reconciliation.  Each of these brief stories has some questions for you to answer.  You can share your answers in my comments section, or you can simply write your answers on a piece of paper.  I would enjoy hearing your thoughts if you do want to share them.  So here goes.

  1. The Forgetful Husband

John is a good husband who forgot his wife’s birthday.

He is very sorry.

He does forgive himself.  He knows that he is not perfect.

Does he need to tell his wife that he is sorry?  Why?

Do you think she will forgive him?

What if she will not?

  1. Accidental Death of a Pet

Marsha was driving down a street.

Suddenly a dog ran out in front of her car.  She ran over the dog.

A man screamed “You killed my dog.”

The man was distraught.

What should Marsha say or do?

  1. A Young Boy Goes on a Killing Spree

Robert took a gun to school and shot five other students.

His mom heard the news on the television after Robert was killed.

The media soon showed up outside her front door.

What should his mom do?

What should his mom say?

  1. Forsaken Vows

A husband and wife took vows to love each other until death did them part.

The wife met an old flame at a high school reunion and went to bed with him.

What should she do now?

Should she tell her husband?

What should her husband say or do if he finds out?

  1. Lying Politicians

A United States Senator is up for a third term.

You voted for her twice.

She promised to only run for two terms.

This promise played a factor in your voting for her.

Should you vote for her again?  Why or why not?

Conclusions:

Many times, we see or hear about situations such as I have noted above.  They always happen to other people, right?  But what if you are in such a situation?  What would you do or say?  Is there a one right answer in each situation or will you hedge your bets and say “Well, it all depends.”  Then tell us what it depends on.

“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.”– Maya Angelou

Previous Older Entries Next Newer Entries