It is my belief that we all want to feel that we can do something well. Something that we will be proud of and perhaps something that we can be remembered for. Adequacy is not being exceptional or a gold medal winner. It is simply feeling that we can succeed at something and that we are competent at something. Adequacy is the opposite of inadequate. When we feel inadequate, we feel that something is missing in our lives, and we feel inferior. No one wants to feel inferior. Many of us will search our whole lives for a feeling of adequacy.
Some people think that we are born with an “original” sin. I think we are born with an original disease. I call it “Comparisonitis.” It is the tendency to compare ourselves to others and to be compared to others. This disease starts at birth and haunts us our entire lives. We are compared in school with grades, at work with performance evaluations, at sports with ranking and even intellectually with IQ tests. We are constantly measured against other people. Most of us are found wanting. We are instilled with a sense of inadequacy that infects our lives. Our Search for Adequacy is a search to overcome the inadequacy driven by society, family, and friends.
When we are born, we are compared to growth charts and Gesell Developmental schedules. for our development. Lag behind and your parents will be worried. As we grow up, we get compared to sisters, brothers, cousins, and others. Who has not heard the comment “You are just like your father,” or “your sister had straight A’s when she was your age.” In school, we will be tested from kindergarten through college on a variety of measures designed to see how we stack up. Each state will routinely rate the children in a school district or region to compare to other children in the country. Children and schools are then ranked and rated from best to worst. Everyone with any eyes and a brain knows that the school districts with the most money will almost always have the highest rated schools.
Dr. Deming believed that such rankings and ratings had no statistical validity. During Covid, the comment was repeatedly made that we must get kids back to school because they are falling behind. I am bewildered since I do not know what they could be falling behind. Standardized testing is one of the worse things to ever happen to education and so-called education experts continuously come up with statistically worthless comparisons to warn us about how bad our children are doing compared to other nations.
Let me give you two examples of how worthless these claims are about success and falling behind. First example, If I read a novel, in about six to eight weeks, I will have forgotten at least 80 percent of what I have read. Textbooks are even worse in terms of retention. After I finished my Ph.D. program, how much of the material that I had covered in courses the previous 4 years do you think I retained? Was I falling behind the Japanese? Was I falling behind the Ph.D. students still in school? How can you fall behind when it is perfectly normal to lose memory of anything from mathematics to languages if you do not routinely use them.
Second example. I had French for seven years in middle school and high school. A year after leaving high school, I could not speak a sentence in French if my life depended on it. I passed seven years of French studies but without speaking it regularly with anyone. Most of the knowledge I gained of the French language was worthless. Dare I say most of the knowledge taught in schools is worthless. Meaning that if it will not be used in life, it will not do you one bit of good. I think of the classes I took in Algebra as another example. This was a class that I received an A in. I loved mathematics when I was in school. I still am waiting to use any of my long-forgotten Algebra skills. I will make an exception to my above complaints for schools. If you have a good memory and you go on a Trivia contest, some of your schooling may help you to win a first place.
Comparisons in the workplace can be and often are just as egregious and useless as comparisons in schools. Performance appraisals, performance ratings and other HR devices to measure individual productivity are notoriously misleading. People are ranked and rated by measures with little or no statistical validity. You may work for one supervisor that rates employees very leniently and another who is a Simon Legree. Merit raises may be based on “who you know” and awards such as “employee of the month” are usually nothing more than popularity contests. Dr. Deming called performance evaluations one of his seven deadly diseases for companies. In “Out of the Crisis”, page 101, Dr. Deming states the following as one of the seven deadly diseases:
“Evaluation of performance, merit rating, or annual review… The idea of a merit rating is alluring. the sound of the words captivates the imagination: pay for what you get; get what you pay for; motivate people to do their best, for their own good. The effect is exactly the opposite of what the words promise.”
One of my favorite quotes is a statement by Senator Hubert Humphrey which is engraved on a wall at the University of Minnesota. He stated the following:
“Democracy is a system that achieves extraordinary results with ordinary people.”
In my consulting experience, I often found organizations stating that they wanted to hire the best people out there. Even considering the faulty means of evaluating candidates that are often used by companies, the fact remains that there are not enough extraordinary people to go around. I encouraged companies to follow Dr. Deming’s advice. Do not rely on ratings and rankings to compare people. It was Deming’s belief that most people wanted to do a good job. The system usually placed the majority of limits on what an employee could do. Thus, it was management’s responsibility to remove the barriers and obstacles in the system preventing and limiting increased productivity. No amount of exhortations and warnings of firing will make a difference in a bad system. Another famous Deming quote was “Put a good person in a bad system and the system will win every time.”
About fifteen years ago, I wanted to test out a hypothesis. Forbes Magazine each year publishes its list of 200 richest people in the world. It gives a great deal of information about each person such as schooling and net worth. I wanted to test whether or not a college degree made a difference in net worth. I added up the overall net worth of all college graduates and compared it to the overall net worth of all those who did not complete college. About fifty five percent of the Forbes richest people had either a bachelor’s degree or a master’s degree. The remaining forty five percent either did not enter college or did not finish college. Who do you think earned more money? Imagine my surprise to find that the average net worth of non-college degreed rich people was 3.5 billion dollars compared to 2.5 billion dollars for degreed people. All the hype on college degrees may just help make colleges richer.
Is it any wonder that so many of us grow up feeling inadequate? Our Search for Adequacy is full of roadblocks and barriers. I could go into the realm of sports in schools to demonstrate this even further but anyone who went to high school or college knows how biased this system is. Schools teach competition versus cooperation and comparison versus individuality. Thus, millions of us wonder about our value and standing in a society that seems bent on destroying our self-esteem.
Conclusions:
- We search and we search but will we ever find that we are adequate? How can we find what society seems to want to hide from us?
- Do not allow yourself to be compared to others. We are all unique and we all have unique skills. No two people on the face of the earth have ever been and ever will be exactly alike. Even identical twins who may share the exact same DNA will have slightly different fingerprints.
- Read what Dr. Deming and other statistical experts have to say about the value of testing and rating systems. Knowledge and understanding of statistics can help you to see whether or not a system is useful or destructive.
- Find a support system that will help to build your self-esteem. We all need help from others. Find positive people to help you and stay away from people that demean your skills and abilities. My spouse Karen belongs to two music groups, one for mountain dulcimers and one for the ukulele. She also belongs to a quilting group. These groups are comprised of positive people who help each other. There are no tests for dulcimer playing. No teachers comparing each ukulele student to other ukulele students. No employers ranking and rating employees on their quilting performance.
Next week we will look at Man/Woman’s Search for Authenticity.
Authenticity is being true to yourself. It is being who you really are versus who others want you to be. It is being true to a set of values, morals or principles that define a good life. It is defining oneself and not letting others define you. What do you want your life to be like? What will you stand up? What is worth living for and dying for? These questions frame a Search for Authenticity which will continue our entire lives.
In the next few weeks, I want to add four other searches to Dr. Frankl’s search. I believe that these are equally important to most of us. In fact, I might argue that to the average person, some of these other searches will dictate most of their lives. A particular search might take precedence over all others and drive how the person behaves, what goals they have and how they organize the daily activities of their lives.
When you adopt the Packers, you become a member of the Green Bay Packer Fan Club. Being accepted gives you a new identity. You are a Packer Backer, a Cheese Head. Being accepted means you now represent something great. You are part of one of the best football teams of all time. You can put your Packer shirt on proudly and everywhere you go in Wisconsin, you will be admired. You are no longer just Jane Doe.
The first question anyone must answer is what do they expect to get out of the group? What kind of acceptance are you looking for? To borrow from Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, I think we must ask what need we are trying to fulfil by joining this group. Are we hoping to get an acceptance that will meet our needs for basic survival, our need for security, our need for love and friendship, our need for self-esteem or our need for self-development. Many groups yield benefits in all these areas once a person is accepted into the group. However, I think it is very important to be clear from the start what you expect to get by joining any group. This first question is a prelude to the second question.
What will gaining acceptance into this group cost me? The line from Matthew, 16:26 reminds us that, “What doth it profit a man if he gains the whole world but suffer the loss of his own soul?” Every human endeavor or activity comes with some cost. In business terms, we use a Cost Benefit Analysis to determine if the benefits will justify the costs. In terms of acceptance there may be costs beyond money to joining any group or club. You may find social and emotional costs attached to a membership. Will the benefits of acceptance by this group justify these costs? Do you have to sell your soul to the devil to get the benefits? The Mafia makes members take an oath never to “rat” on anyone regardless of what they have done. Many organizations have rules and codes which put the good of the group ahead of the good of society. Partisanship in politics is another example of where loyalty to a party soon negates the very reason that many people went into politics. Good intentions often go down the drain when a person is faced with losing acceptance in their identity group.
Despite attending forty 3-day Jesuit retreats and regularly going to church with my spouse, I remain adamantly somewhere between an Atheist and an Agnostic. See my blog 
I can see some positive sides to a church ideology that addressee inner spirituality, but I think it has serious drawbacks. You can focus too much on what I will call the “inner spirituality” of church members. The reasoning behind the emphasis on inner spirituality can be faulty. The theory is that if each member becomes a better Christian, they will be better neighbors towards others. If they feed the hungry and cloth the poor, they will be ridding the world of the evils that Jesus preached against. Unfortunately, these propositions are not evidenced by historical fact. For hundreds of years many Christians supported slavery and sexism by doing little or nothing to condemn or speak out against it. Furthermore, many Christians were major protagonists of racism and sexism. If their ministers spoke out against it, it obviously made little difference. Being a card carrying member of a Christian church never seems to correlate with ending war, sexism, racism, homophobia or even poverty. I think without an equal emphasis on “Outer Spirituality” Christianity is a worthless religion.
There are many definitions of spirituality. What does it mean to be a spiritual person? Some people lean towards accepting a higher being or creator. Some lean towards accepting a more conventional religious perspective. Many on-line definitions list several factors necessary to be a spiritual person. My own definition is much simpler. I think being a spiritual person involves two elements. The first is seeking meaning in one’s life. The second is seeking purpose. Meaning is inner spirituality. Purpose is outer spirituality. Meaning and purpose must go beyond what is simply good for oneself and must embrace what is good for humanity and the universe. Thus, a truly spiritual person is one who finds and balances inner and outer spirituality.
Nevertheless, we still have the occasional spat, and they usually leave us both feeling quite depressed and disappointed. I am mostly disappointed with myself for not handing things well. It seems I too often say things or discuss things very differently than we have agreed on. We have found and used many models for dealing with conflict. One of our favorites is the “DESC” model. This stands for “Describe” what is happening in neutral terms. Talk about how this makes you feel in terms of “Emotions.” “Specify” what you would like to see happen differently. Define what the “Consequences” will or could be for change. Consequences are best provided that are positive, such as we will feel closer together. When we stick to this model things seem to go well. Our discussions stay on track and our resolutions come more effortlessly. When we stray from the model, accusations and insinuations escalate and the discussion becomes difficult if not painful.
The other kind of kindness I will call “Emotional Kindness.” This is not doing things but saying things either verbal or non-verbal that honor and appreciate the other person. It respects their feelings more than their actions. It might be “I love you” or it might be an appreciation of something the other person says or thinks. It is building up the other person’s self-esteem and not putting down anything they might express or care about.
Once upon a time a mother had two daughters. The Mom’s name was Teresa. The oldest daughter was named Romela, and the younger daughter was Amelia. At the time of this story, the oldest daughter was 20. Amelia had just turned 18. Teresa was 45 and a single mom. Their father had been gone for ten years after running off with their babysitter. Teresa never remarried or even dated. She was a rather plain looking woman. Marriage had taught her that men preferred sex appeal over brains, beauty over character and youth over age. She tried to teach these lessons to her daughters and kept a close watch on both.
What does anxiety and uncertainty have to do with planning? This is an important connection. Uncertainty in my opinion either causes or leads to anxiety. The more uncertain we are, the more anxious we become. Many people will not attempt new endeavors, leave home, eat new food, travel to new places, meet new people, take on adventures or worst of all “listen to new ideas.” The uncertainty of these efforts creates anxiety. The unknown consequences of doing something new brings some anxiety to most of us. Change and newness can impinge on our efforts to maintain equilibrium and homeostasis in our lives. New things can disrupt the natural order that we so carefully craft to protect ourselves, our family, and our identities. “What if” can bring fear and panic to even the most courageous of us.
However, when it comes to anxiety my solution is planning. Karen would say I plan too much. I don’t need to go raging into the night of old age, but I do not want to get in my crypt yet and turn off the lights. Life has a way of closing in on us. The curtains for each of us are indeed coming down and will someday be down for all of us, but we can slow their coming down. As we age, we must push back. Planning can help us to hold the curtains off for a little while longer. But remember, “Plans are nothing, but planning is everything.”
My theory is that I have been driven to reduce anxiety because I grew up with an abusive father. My childhood was a daily diet of fear and uncertainty as to when or how badly my father would fly off the handle and take it out on me. He might have had a bad day at the races, or something went wrong with his car, and it was all my fault. So many things became my fault that I was always looking up expecting the sky to fall on me. I looked under my bed and, in my closet, every night before going to sleep as a kid. Years later I would check under my car and in my back seat before getting in my vehicle. I never let anyone get on the inside track of me when walking down a sidewalk and I always look over my back when going to a public John. I am not paranoid, and I do not think anyone is out to get me. I simply want to be certain that I have an advantage just in case someone might be out to get me. 😊 Karen has learned to cope with my rather bizarre behavior and attributes it to my intrinsic anxiety.
The “Good Old Boys” of modern country music started in the seventies telling us that rural people were good people. That real life took place in rural areas. Cities were evil. Rural people were God fearing and patriotic. City people were heathens and atheists.
Donald Trump’s anthem was a song by Lee Greenwood called “God Bless the USA.” Under more normal circumstances, I would applaud this song. Greenwood won the Country Music Association’s award for Male Vocalist of the Year in 1983 and 1984, and his “God Bless the USA” had been awarded the CMA’s Song of the Year honors in 1985. However, when welded by Trump and his supporters it evokes overtones of racism and xenophobia. What else can you think when you see people marching around with Swastikas and Confederate Flags singing “God Bless the USA?”
“This practice is no certain note of patriotism. To instigate the populace with rage beyond the provocation, is to suspend public happiness, if not to destroy it. He is no lover of his country, that unnecessarily disturbs its peace. Few errors and few faults of government, can justify an appeal to the rabble, who ought not to judge of what they cannot understand, and whose opinions are not propagated by reason, but caught by contagion.” — The Patriot, by S. Johnson, 1774.
Aging Capriciously 