I think that I am a coward. I don’t want to grow old. They say that growing old is not for the faint of heart. Every day, I understand that aphorism more and more. In the last thirty days, four friends have passed away. Mickey, Glen, Bill, and Dick. I could write a blog about each of them. They were all just nearing 80 years of age. Not one of them died of Covid. Had you known any of them, you would have been truly fortunate. Perhaps, one of my greatest blessings in life has been to have people like this for friends. People who lived life to the fullest and cared about other people. Men who went out of their way to help not just family but strangers.
Two weeks ago, we found out that Karen’s oldest daughter Julie had five brain tumors. For the past year or so, she had been acting very strange. She had frequent bouts of forgetfulness along with severe headaches and neck pain. Doctors had been treating her for an enzyme imbalance for several months, but she kept getting worse. Her husband thought it might be the onset of early dementia.
Finally, someone decided to do an MRI for her. At first, it looked like one large brain tumor but a neurosurgeon looking more closely at the scan found four other tumors. Julie had been diagnosed with leukemia when she was six years old and for ten years had undergone frequent trips to the hospital for chemo and radiation treatment. They believed that the tumors were related to the radiation treatments.
Julie is now fifty-three years old. She went in for surgery on Tuesday of this past week. She was in surgery for nearly seven hours. They chose to remove the largest tumor but indicated that they would need to go in for another one at a later date. They were not able to remove the entire tumor since it was awfully close to the optic nerve and they were afraid of damaging it and causing blindness. Ironically, they want to use radiation therapy to try and remove the rest of the tumor.
Karen flew out Friday night thinking that she could try and help Julie when she returned from the hospital to her home. Only one person could be in the hospital each day with Julie and her husband was the obvious choice. Karen worried all week as complications arose each day and Julie did not seem any closer to coming home. As I write this, it is now five days past surgery and Julie is still in the hospital. She has been in and out of intensive care since the surgery. Karen and Rob (Julie’s husband) have agreed to alternate days spent with Julie at the hospital. So Karen is in Minnesota now and I am watching the home front here in Arizona.
I am growing old, but I am growing more tired of seeing people I care about either get sick or dying. I went to a concert last night with two friends Evelia and Angie. Karen originally was going to go but being with her daughter was the greater priority. The concert was put on by the True Concord Singers and Orchestra in Tucson. It was held outside on a patio at what appeared to be an old mansion that had become a private men’s club. It was called the Mountain Oyster Club. Since it was members only, they would not let us dine there. I had originally thought that after the concert we could dine at this exclusive club but that was not to be. We ended up going to a resort called the El Conquistador. My two companions are both Latina and I wondered what they thought about dining at a place called El Conquistador.
The concert was called “The Trailblazers” and consisted of songs arranged by women composers and based on the works of noted women writers and artists. Some of the composers included Judith Weir, Hildegard von Bingen, Emma Lou Diemer, Ysaye Barnwell and Alice Parker. The writers and poets included Emily Dickinson, Maya Angelou, and Edith Franklin Wyatt.
The fifteen songs performed were arranged along a series of themes. One set of the songs was called “Remembering Those We’ve Lost.” Thinking back to my lost friends while these songs were performed brought tears to my eyes. Reflecting on what it might mean to me if Karen should pass away before I do, I could not bear the thought. Coward that I am, I am hoping to pass from this world without too many more losses of those I love. Here are a few of the lyrics from the songs in the concert. It is of course quite different and much more moving hearing these sung but the lyrics themselves are quite compelling.
From: “My Companion” by Edith Franklin Wyatt (1873-1958)
Let the roadside fade:
Morning on the mountain top,
Hours along the valley,
Days of walking on and on,
Pulse away in silence,
Let the world all fade,
Break and pass away,
Yet, will this remain,
Deep beyond all singing,
Beautiful past singing.
We are here together,
You and I together,
Wonderful past singing.
From: “Wanting Memories” by Ysaye Barnwell (1946- Present)
I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me,
To see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.
I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me,
To see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.
You used to rock me in the cradle of your arms,
You said you’d hold me till the pains of life were gone.
You said you’d comfort me in times like these and now I need you,
Now I need you, and you are gone.
I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me,
To see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.
Since you’ve gone and left me, there’s been so little beauty,
But I know I saw it clearly through your eyes.
I finished a run this morning in the mountains. Saw a large coyote on the trail and thought at first it was a deer. You are not likely to see a deer in the desert, but the coyote was large and brown and from a distance it did look like a small deer. As I ran, I could not help but thinking of the song by Doris Day “Que Sera, Sera.” The lyrics that go “Whatever will be, will be. The futures not ours to see, Que Sera, Sera.”
We scheme, we plan, we strategize, we organize, we bribe, we cajole, we blackmail so that we can control the future. We pray to whatever god or gods we believe in to keep our loved ones safe from harm or pain. I am sure that every one of you reading this would rather suffer death or pain before seeing your family, friends or children suffering. Jesus said, “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” John 15:13
But as written in Ecclesiastes, it is all vanity. Nothing but vanity. I can’t stop a single person I know from dying or suffering pain. The best that I can do is to be there for them during their suffering. This is the role that my spouse has chosen to take with her oldest daughter. It is a role that I would gladly have pass by me since coward that I am, I find it harder to watch my family, friends and others suffer then to deal with my own suffering.
I once loved the poem that admonished us to: “Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be.” Now I wonder, what could Robert Browning have been thinking? I am waiting for “the best that is yet to be.” I must be missing something. As each day goes by and as yet another friend leaves this earth, I am more and more wondering what I will have left when they are all gone, and I am the only one here.
Nothing I have ever worked for, saved for, bought, owned, or possess will have any meaning without the ability to share it with those I love. I think about walking through the house where I am now sitting without my spouse or friends or family and it is by far a fate worse than death and dying. I won’t rage into the night. I am reflecting upon death as a comforting blanket than I can pull over my head and use to hide from the sorrows of the world. I will not rush it, but as many have realized that have gone before me, at some point, we all know that our time has passed, and that we must leave this world. As for what will come after, I can only say “Que Sera, Sera.”
I think you will enjoy this song: https://youtu.be/xZbKHDPPrrc
Que Sera, Sera
When I grew up and fell in love
I asked my sweetheart, what lies ahead
Will we have rainbows
Day after day
Here’s what my sweetheart said
Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be
brought sorrow to my heart over the years. Life does not always end happily. Lives do not always find the justice and honor they merit. I have felt sorry for the heroes and heroines who did not get the fates they deserved. If only I could somehow right all the wrongs and set history on the paths it should have taken. I find books tell me about my shortcomings and highlight areas where I need improvement. It is always sorrowful to find that I am not as good as I would like to be.
Now less this sound too much like a soap opera, I should point out some of the character flaws that are obvious with Dick. He once had a battle with some beavers that resided on his property. These beavers were adept at building a dam using a stream that flowed near a road leading to Dick’s house. The dam would cause the water to back up flooding the road. Dick would go out there and break up the dam but faster than you could say “Dick the Stick” the beavers would rebuild the dam. I asked Dick why he did not shoot the suckers. Dick replied that he promised Gladys that he would not kill them but try to get them to relocate. So periodically Dick would come in with his back aching from breaking up the dam and I would say “Give me your rifle and I will shoot the suckers for you.” Dick would never do this. I finally bought him a t-shirt with “Beaver Advice” on it.
I mentioned that Dick does not want to travel anywhere (Except maybe Duluth). I would attribute his “been there, done it” to a possible birth or brain defect but to be fair Dick did go to England, Peru and a bunch of other countries when he was younger. Furthermore, unlike some people, he is always interested in hearing about the travels of Gladys and others in the group. I am going to Russia this coming year and I keep telling him that I am going to have an audience with President Putin. Dick often jokes about Putin and his strong political resolve. I may bring him a Putin t-shirt when I come back from Moscow, assuming that I am allowed to leave the country.
My first real hero was Ming the Merciless. He had all the primary characteristics of an evil genius. He was a megalomaniac who wanted to rule the world. He was always smarter than Flash Gordon. He had dozens of minions who followed his every order. He obeyed no rules except his own. And finally, he lusted after Dale Arden who was a pretty hot babe for the time. Dale had wonderful blond curls, a great figure and was into bare midriff before it became popular in the 90’s. Flash was a wimp when it came to Dale but Ming the Merciless knew what he wanted and really went after it. I suppose tying women up today would not be proper but if you are an evil genius it is simply part of the expectations.
My second Hero was Dr. Fu Manchu. A character created by the writer Sax Rohmer. Fu was as evil as they came. He was a brilliant megalomaniac. He obeyed no rules or laws except his own. He was alleged to hold doctorates from four Western universities. Unlike the wimpy college professors who one associates with a Ph.D. degree, there was nothing wimpy about Dr. Fu Manchu. He would not hesitate to murder anyone who got in his way. In the 1932 film, The Mask of Fu Manchu, Fu tells an assembled group of his minions that they must “kill the white men and take their women.” Evil geniuses have a knack for thinking big and ignoring the normal bonds of propriety and civility.
As is usual with evil geniuses, Moriarty was always one step ahead of Sherlock. Perhaps because it was still the Victorian age, Moriarty did not have much to do with lusting after women. There was no kidnapping, tying women up or forced kissing in any of the Moriarty tales. However, Sherlock was not much better in the womanizing category and seemed to be a confirmed bachelor. His main relationship with a woman was with his housekeeper Mrs. Hudson which always stayed platonic.
Von Doom. You must love someone with a name like that. Dr. Doom was evil and ruthless and a certified genius. He had many gadgets and inventions that enabled him to defeat an entire pantheon of superheroes. When it came to bad, he took a back seat to no one. Imagine, someone who would let his childhood sweetheart be savagely sacrificed so that he could gain the power to rule the world. Yes, like most other evil geniuses, Dr. Doom was also a megalomaniac who wanted to rule the world.
I have not had time to describe all the evil geniuses whom I have loved and admired. I have given you only a few of the ones who have punctuated my life. I do not have the space to do justice (sic) to some of my other heroes such as Lex Luther, the Kingpin, The Joker, Green Goblin and of course Sauron. By the way, recently we had a female megalomaniac out to destroy the world. It was quite refreshing to see how Hela kicked Thor’s butt from one end of Asgard to the other. But to bring you up to the present, I have now found perhaps the most evil genius in history. He has all the truly great characteristics of evilness. He is also a genius.
Emily and Robert had been married for nearly 65 years. They were both in their early twenties when they met in college. It was love at first sight. Their parents wanted them to wait to finish college but after a brief whirlwind romance, they simply eloped. They surprised everyone when they came back to school and finished their college degrees. Robert became an engineer and Emily was a school teacher for many years. The careers they chose suited their personalities. They were known as hard faithful workers. Not once in over forty years did any employer ever have a complaint or problem with either Robert or Emily. After forty-five years, they both chose to retire so they could spend more time together after Robert’s first stroke.
were loved by all their foster children who often returned home to visit or to simply stop by with a bit of news or something to eat. Robert and Emily could not have loved any children of their own more than they loved their foster children.
Emily finished brushing her teeth and then took her nightly pills. She shut off the bathroom light and started out to the bedroom. The light by Robert’s side of the bed was on and Emily started to say something to Robert when abruptly she stopped. Her eyes fell upon an empty bed that was undisturbed. The sheets and bed covers had not been moved. Emily was surprised and shocked. Where was 
Robert? Suddenly, Emily remembered. Robert had died the previous week and had been buried two days before on Saturday. Tears came to her eyes. What would she do without her Robert? She was all alone now. No one to go to bed with. No one to talk to at night. No one who would regularly listen to her complaints and problems about the world.
As the little boy grew up, he became an even more devout believer in God. Everywhere he went, he saw the hand of God. In the clouds, in nature, in the weather, in the oceans, in good times and in bad times he believed that God was present. The little boy thought how hard God must have to work to try to keep life sustained. Each night he would pray to God that when he grew up, he would be able to help ease God’s work somewhat and do his share to help make the world a better place.
On Tuesday and Wednesday along with my good friend Vic Ward, I attended the 52nd Nobel Conference which was titled: “In Search of Economic Balance.” It featured many illustrious and highly respected economists such as: Dan Ariely, Orley Ashenfelter, Paul Collier, Deirdre McCloskey, John List and several other well-known economists. After every lecture, there was a panel discussion where the speaker and several of the other economists had a chance to discuss and interact. Following these discussions, my friend and I debated, discussed and summarized what we thought were the most important points of each lecture. I attended eight lectures, six panel discussions and numerous discussions each evening with Vic.
On the way back from St. Peter, we stopped Jim’s Apple Farm when we saw a sign that said “Next exit, Minnesota’s largest candy store.” I bought several treats for Karen and the guys at the library in Frederic. Jim’s lived up to its billing. It may just be the largest candy store in the US. It is certainly the largest candy store I have ever been in.
Karen having spent thirty years of her life in Home Health Care is much better grounded and infinitely more knowledgeable than I am in this area. Many of the ideas in the conference sessions were basic for her but for me the opposite was true. I had my eyes opened and many of my concepts about conditions such as Dementia have now been thrown out the window. I cannot begin to describe how much I learned at this conference and how valuable the ideas were for me.
Aging Capriciously 