This is the second in my series on what I called the Seven Most Important Virtues for Living. I will speak from my personal experiences on Forgiveness and try to share as much of my own life as possible. I do not want to speak as an “Expert.” I am far from being an expert on this subject.
Every Tuesday morning, I start my day with the following prayer:
- Please give me the strength and courage to forgive those who insult, disrespect or harm me in any way. May I be strong enough to offer forgiveness to others and to ask for forgiveness for myself.
Forgiveness is a subject that is both easy and difficult for me to write about. It is easy because I have had a great deal of experience with the subject. It is difficult because much of my experience has not been positive. It seems to be a virtue that I am not very good at. I can’t say that I ever gave it much thought until several years ago. Here is what changed my life.
When my oldest and only daughter started college, about two years after my first wife and I separated, we had a slight argument over money. I did not think it was that big of a deal but Chris (my daughter) became very angry. She said she never wanted to see me or talk to me again. She told me that I had made her life miserable when she was growing up and she wanted me out of her life for good. Almost ten years went by and despite my best efforts, she would not reply or respond to any overtures I made. I felt very sad but I did not know what to do. I was torn between trying to see her and also trying to respect her wishes.
I ended up talking to a sizable number of people who one for reason or another like me had been cast aside by friends or loved ones. I thought this would make an interesting story and I wrote some of my thoughts on this issue and sent it to the Oprah Winfrey show. I never expected to hear from them. Several months went by and one day I received a phone call. The person on the other end wanted to know if I would like to be on the show and talk about my problems with my daughter. The other person described this particular Oprah show as one that dealt with forgiveness. I was intrigued but I had several misgivings and turned the offer down.
A year or so went by and one day the Oprah show called me again. For the second time they asked me if I would like to be on the show. They explained that they would contact my daughter and if she accepted, we could both come on the show and tell our stories. It would be a show about forgiveness and I could offer my apologies for anything I had done and see if Chris and I could work things out on the show with Oprah acting as a facilitator. I decided to give it a chance and after discussing some logistics, I accepted the invitation.
A couple of weeks later, I was flown with my wife Karen and my step-daughter Megan to Chicago where they had booked rooms for us at the Omni Hotel in downtown Chicago. We were told that a limousine would pick us up in the morning and then take us back to the hotel or to the airport after the show was filmed. We were given food vouchers and enjoyed some fine dining in our hotel rooms before going to bed. There was a definite feeling of both excitement and dread on my part. I had no idea what to expect. At this time, I did not even know if my daughter was going to be there.
Next morning, I went for a run around the streets of Chicago. A funny thing happened on my run. A film crew from a local TV news network stopped me and asked me if I was a tourist. I said that more or less I guess I was and they then conducted a brief interview with me concerning what I thought of Chicago. Two TV shows in one day! After I returned to the hotel, Karen, Megan and I showered, dressed and waited for the limousine to take us to Oprah’s studio.
We were picked up and driven to the studio where Karen and Megan were taken to the audience area, while I was escorted to what they call the “Green” Room. There were actually two such “Green” rooms where guests could be separated. I talked to several other guests who were on the show also to deal with the subject of forgiveness. One was a man whose family had owned slaves and he wanted to ask forgiveness for the history of his family. The other was a Methodist Bishop who wanted to ask forgiveness for her church because of the slaughter of innocent Native Americans led by a Methodist minister named John M. Chivington at Sand Creek in 1864.
A short time passed and while I was getting my nose and head powdered, Oprah Winfrey herself and her little dog came in to chat with me. We talked for a short time and she told me that she wished me the best but to keep in mind that I might not get what I hoped for. She said that often the people who felt that they had been wronged did not want to forgive the other party.
I went out on the stage with Oprah and I was truly surprised that my daughter Chris had also accepted the invitation to be on the show. I was immediately hopeful that we could resolve our differences and begin a new relationship. Oprah explained that there were three components required for forgiveness. True forgiveness it was explained requires one to accept all three components if that is what the other party needs. The three components of forgiveness are:
- An apology or request for forgiveness
- A willingness to listen to hear how you hurt the other party
- A willingness to make amends or to try to correct the wrong in some way
Oprah started off the conversation by asking my daughter Chris why she did not want to speak to me. Chris had a lot of reasons. I had already realized that I was often angry when she was young and I would explode at the drop of a hat. I had gone through a Domestic Abuse Program a few years earlier in which through counseling and a support group, I had begun to get my anger under control. Chris had felt that while growing up she was often terrified to be living with me and feared for her and her mom’s life. She had never been physically hurt by me and I can only remember one time that I had hit her mom and that was after she hit me. Nevertheless, there was a constant feeling of fear in the house punctuated by my violent outbursts which included throwing things, punching walls and yelling at Chris and Julie, my spouse at the time.
When, Oprah finally turned to me and asked me what I wanted to say. I had no doubt in my mind that I was sorry for my actions and that I wished I could turn the clock back. I apologized to Chris and asked if she could forgive me. I was ready to make any amends possible. At this point, I had covered two of the three conditions for forgiveness. I had said I was sorry and I had listened to her pain and grief. I was ready to make amends. However, Chris did not buy into the scenario. She refused to accept my apology and informed me that she did not need a father in her life. However, she said that she had two children and that perhaps they could use a grandfather. She would have to think about it. That was the end of our conversation.
Before leaving the show, Oprah told me that she was sorry it had not worked out better but that forgiveness is a very delicate process and that it does not always go the way we hope it will. I was not discouraged though and I felt that the outcome was positive. I thought that I could be a good grandfather and I welcomed the opportunity.
A few years later, I was again contacted by the Oprah show for a “follow-up.” I again agreed to go on the show. I did not know if Chris accepted or even had an invitation as she was not on the show. My segment was very brief. I explained that Chris still did not want me in her life but that I had been given a few opportunities to share some time with her two children, Frankie and Jesse. These times were very brief and it was clear that it was only when Chris was present that I was allowed to see them. I did not know it at this time, but even this opportunity to spend time with my grandchildren would soon derail.
While asking for forgiveness is never easy, particularly when you realize how you have hurt someone; I do not think it is the hardest part of forgiveness. I had no trouble asking for forgiveness, for I am truly sorry about how Chris had to grow up. I wish I could redo her life and give her a new childhood. Many years have passed and I have only seen my daughter once in the past fifteen years. She has been remarried and divorced but I have not been invited to any of her life events and any efforts to send letters or cards have not been acknowledged. I found out two years ago in a conversation with my ex-wife that Chris had some time before attempted to take her own life. It was shortly after her second husband left her.
The hardest part for me has been to “let go” and to forgive myself. I tried going to confession at one of my annual Jesuit retreats. The Father and I talked about my “sins” and the issues that I had as not being a very good father. I was granted forgiveness by my confessor. I hoped that this would help me come to turns with the grief and pain that I often feel when I think of Chris. It has not.
I have been told that I really have not forgiven myself. These are just so many empty words to me. I do not know how to do this. Particularly, when I reflect on the fact that out there someplace is a child that I spent twenty years with and to whom I am now totally irrelevant. I never stopped loving my daughter. I always wanted to be a good father and I did try to be a good father. I remember many good times we had together as father and daughter. It is hard for me to accept that the feelings and memories are not mutual. If hell is of our own making, then I have made the hell that I feel when I think about Chris and wonder how she is. I wonder if she will ever change her mind and forgive me. Until then, I hope someday to know what it will feel like to forgive myself.
I want to talk about Gratefulness today. It is the first in my list of the Key Seven Virtues that I think are worth developing. Gratefulness is the opposite of ingratitude. It is easy to fall into the trap of being ungrateful. The world besieges us with evidence of our incompetence and faults. Hollywood glamorizes the mundane and makes the rest of us feel inferior in comparison. American Idol becomes the graven image that we now worship. It is not an image of a gold calf or a prophet or a saint. It is the image of success and fame and fortune that we all desire. Even as I write this, millions of people are buying a lottery ticket in the hope of achieving instant wealth. How many of these people are grateful for what they have? I suspect many of them are very grateful in their daily lives, but it makes you wonder how grateful most people are when they will spend their money against all odds to become an overnight millionaire. What don’t they have that they will buy if they do win?
I thought I would start the year of 2021 off with a positive slant. Namely, some things we can all do or practice to be better people. However, before anyone should pay any attention to what I am about to say, there are several questions they must ask themselves. I would advise you that the veracity and hence credibility of an author is critical to your acceptance of what the author is trying to sell you or convince you of. Do not buy an argument from someone who cannot be trusted. Think about the comment that “If you see the Buddha on the road, kill him.” An uncritical acceptance of any idea is dangerous to your own integrity and responsibility. Hence, the questions I would want answered (If I were you) would be as follows: Who is this writer to say what the “greatest” virtues for a human are? How did he come up with these Seven Virtues? What is the difference between a virtue and a value? Is this an important difference or is he about to sell me another new religion?
I would like to answer that I am a seeker of truth and knowledge. I am very opinionated, often highly judgmental and have frequently been accused of being a “know it all.” Many people would write my opinions off as being too liberal while others would say that I am too rational. I place great value on being logical and trying to stay open to many possibilities. I have been studying philosophy and religion since I was eighteen. I have no degrees in either. But the number of books and articles and stories that I have read number in the hundreds. I have attended many different worship houses and types of religious services. I was brought up as a Catholic until I rejected its teachings at about the age of 10. When no one would give me a good answer for “Who made God?” I more or less decided that most religions were based on superstitions.
Given that one could easily comprise a list of ten or perhaps one hundred important virtues, why do I believe that my seven are the seven greatest and most important? How do I have the audacity to make such an assertion? I might have been sitting under an apple tree one day, or perhaps simply thinking about life at one of my yearly silent retreats at the Demontreville Retreat Center, when I compiled a list of seven virtues. While I truly “value” these ideas, I understand them more as virtues than values. I will address this difference later. I decided that I want to live by these virtues. Each day for the last fifteen or more years, I have selected one of these seven virtues to help guide me through the day. Whether it is patience, kindness or courage, each day I start by reflecting on this virtue and trying to make it a part of my life.
The danger in this discussion lies in your taking a sectarian or religious approach to my writings. I assure you that I am not a religious person. I may be a spiritual person but I do not think of myself in either of these categories. I am an agnostic who wants to live a better life and help build a world that is a better place to live for future generations. Living by these seven virtues is one way I believe I can contribute to this goal.
If I have satisfactorily answered the questions that I posed above respecting my integrity and credibility, I will now set off to address each of my Seven Virtues and explain why they are so important and the difference that I think they can make in our lives. Look for my virtues over the next several weeks in my blogs.























brought sorrow to my heart over the years. Life does not always end happily. Lives do not always find the justice and honor they merit. I have felt sorry for the heroes and heroines who did not get the fates they deserved. If only I could somehow right all the wrongs and set history on the paths it should have taken. I find books tell me about my shortcomings and highlight areas where I need improvement. It is always sorrowful to find that I am not as good as I would like to be.
Ostensibly, it was just another book to help job seekers find work. However, Bolles wrote more than just tips on writing resumes and job letters and where to find work, he wrote a bible on how to live a better life and what work could really mean for us. Bolles gave us a broader vision of work and the role it could play in our lives. Bolles vision of work was more than just the idea of productivity and pay. At the core of Richard’s concept of life was his idea that life could be divided into three boxes: Work, Play and Education. But there is a novel twist to Bolle’s ideas about work, play and education that no one had ever put forward before. Before we go into his unique idea, let’s examine each of the three boxes. After this, I will present the truly revolutionary idea that Bolles had about them. Finally, I will discuss the implications of Bolles ideas to the present coronavirus crisis that we are facing today throughout the world.

I posed a general question to the miners’ present. “What if we integrated work, education and play in your jobs. What would life be like for you,” I asked. There was silence for a moment. I did not know if I would get a response. Suddenly a hand shot up. I recognized the man and asked him what he thought. I never would have guessed his reply in a million years. It was perfect but it still astounded me. He said very simply “I would not know whether it was Monday or Friday.” To this very day, I cannot think of a more profound or telling comment than that.
Our work activities at home are generally allocated towards improving our living conditions. We work on repairing our appliances, roofs, etc. because we either enjoy doing it or because we are trading our time for money. If we hire someone to do it, it will cost us money that we might not be able to afford. We may not have the skills to so some work that needs to be done, so we are often forced by necessity to contract out needed repairs. Some people have never learned how to cook and so either spend extra
money on prepared meals or they often eat out. I never learned any wood working skills when I was in high school because these classes were deemed “general education” and I was in the “college track.” The home economics classes mostly dealt with sewing and cooking and were largely populated by girls. Even today in most high schools, girls dominate the home economics classes and boys dominate the construction related classes. There is admittedly more cross over then when I was in school in the sixties, but it is by no means 50-50 in gender distribution.
From teachers and many educators, we hear the lament that children will miss three or more months of schooling. Unfortunately for the teachers that feel this way, students may miss out on “schooling”, but I think not on learning. Many studies have shown that students home taught learn more and score higher on standardized tests than public school students. I have been working in high schools as a substitute teacher for three years now and much of the work I see being done in classrooms can easily be accomplished from home. Whether or not students working from home are less bored with the subject matter remains to be seen. Nevertheless, there are plenty of opportunities for children to learn from home at their own pace and to some extent be more excited by a custom curriculum which suits their needs. There is obviously a great deal more that can be done in this area to create customized education programs.




The first day that Michael and Joshua spent together turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months. Each week, Michael and Joshua would spend at least an hour together. Some days, Michael would play video games with Joshua and other days they would do “walk and talks.” Inez would drop Joshua off and Michael would take Joshua home. Michael looked forward each week to seeing Joshua and spending time with him. Michael often tried to buy Joshua some of the things that he wanted, but Joshua’s parents were very proud and explained that they would prefer that he did not. Michael accepted their request but would take Joshua out for a hamburger or pizza whenever possible. His parents did not mind this as Joshua had a prodigious appetite.






Now less this sound too much like a soap opera, I should point out some of the character flaws that are obvious with Dick. He once had a battle with some beavers that resided on his property. These beavers were adept at building a dam using a stream that flowed near a road leading to Dick’s house. The dam would cause the water to back up flooding the road. Dick would go out there and break up the dam but faster than you could say “Dick the Stick” the beavers would rebuild the dam. I asked Dick why he did not shoot the suckers. Dick replied that he promised Gladys that he would not kill them but try to get them to relocate. So periodically Dick would come in with his back aching from breaking up the dam and I would say “Give me your rifle and I will shoot the suckers for you.” Dick would never do this. I finally bought him a t-shirt with “Beaver Advice” on it.
I mentioned that Dick does not want to travel anywhere (Except maybe Duluth). I would attribute his “been there, done it” to a possible birth or brain defect but to be fair Dick did go to England, Peru and a bunch of other countries when he was younger. Furthermore, unlike some people, he is always interested in hearing about the travels of Gladys and others in the group. I am going to Russia this coming year and I keep telling him that I am going to have an audience with President Putin. Dick often jokes about Putin and his strong political resolve. I may bring him a Putin t-shirt when I come back from Moscow, assuming that I am allowed to leave the country.
If you think about the ideas or premises or nostrums that guide your life, you will soon notice that we have many ideas that along our journey we have adopted. The sources of these ideas are vast. Fairy tales and children’s stories give us ideas such as “A stitch in time saves nine” or the “The race does not always go to the swift” or “Those who do not plan ahead may starve in the winter.” Many of our ideas about living no come from our parents and family. My mother used to say such things as “Ignorance is bliss” and “If you give them enough rope, they will hang themselves.” My father was fond of saying “Believe nothing of what you hear and only half of what you see.” He also used to like to say, “You have nothing to fear from the dead, only the living.” These two later beliefs have guided a great deal of my life.



