My Last Hurrah

16 Jun 2023 9 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: compassion, death, finality, hooray, hurrah, joy, love, meaning of life

Watching the trailer for the new Indiana Jones movie due in theaters June 30^th, I thought that this is surely Harrison Ford’s “Last Hurrah.” I am amazed that he is still playing the notable adventurer and explorer. The part of Indiana Jones requires great energy and gusto. Something that at the age of 38 when he first played the role might not have been quite as surprising. However, Harrison is now 80 years old and playing this role rather than the father or grandfather of “Indiana Jones the Third” is beyond amazing. I give him great credit for not quitting life even if this Indiana Jones thing is just another Hollywood fantasy. But this brings us to the real purpose of my blog. To explore the question “When and how do we all get our ‘Last Hurrah’?” I would like to start with my “Last Hurrah.”

First, I had not thought of it until watching this trailer. But I want one. I do not want to go gently into the night. But neither do I want to be hanging over a cliff with my life supported by a thin rope and my mortal enemies trying to untie the rope. Something in between would make a rather nice “Last Hurrah”, I think. But what is it to be?

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Bebe Rexha – Last Hurrah [Official Music Video]

As I have aged, I notice an increasing propensity on my part to play it safe. Karen and I have visited over 35 countries. For the first 32 or so countries we never took out any additional health or accident insurance. I was forty years old when Karen and I took our first overseas trip. I am now seventy-six and for the last two trips we took out policies before we left for both accident and health insurance. For our upcoming trip in September to South Africa we again took out policies. These policies have grown increasingly more costly. I question buying them each time but finally concede that they make sense. Nevertheless, I wonder why I do.

I drive more slowly now. I always fasten my seat belt before my car is in gear. I wear a neon vest and a bright dayglo helmet when riding my bike. In January, I decided to give up running mountain trails and stick to the paved and lowland trails. I take a right on double laned streets then go down to the next block and make a right turn and then two lefts to return home rather than try to cross four lanes of traffic. I do the same for any four-lane street now rather than try to ram into the traffic. Why when I have less of life left to live am I growing so cautious? At my age and with less time to go before the final act, I should be beyond caring and more reckless. I have less to lose in terms of time than when I was 40. I should be more daring and adventurous. Going madly and wildly into that dark night that Dylan Thomas says awaits us.

Do not go gentle into that good night by Dylan Thomas – 1914-1953

Do not go gentle into that good night,

Old age should burn and rave at close of day;

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,

Because their words had forked no lightning they

Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright

Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

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Looking up Dylan Thomas’s biography I found that he died at the age of 39 of disputed causes. Whatever the cause was, he lived a life that many might envy. Wine, women, and song as the verse goes. I have noticed that wild times are seldom part of my life anymore. So, what will my “Last Hurrah” be? What will I rage on before I go into that dark night? Am I a wise man or a good man? Am I old? I only feel like I am forty or so until I look at how long it now takes me to run a mile. From six-minute miles a few long years ago to my current 12-minute miles, I think my watch just needs some good batteries. This is a real dilemma. How can I find my “Last Hurrah?” What are some possibilities that would make you say after I leave this planet:

“His life was gentle; and the elements

So mixed in him, that Nature might stand up

And say to all the world, THIS WAS A MAN!”

— Shakespeare – Julius Caesar

I am looking for some “Last Hurrah” that would be striking and unique but not painful or overly dangerous. Dying in bed has its virtues but sounds boring. I want some final attraction but that is not all. My “Last Hurrah” should be something that reflects my values and defines who I am. Looking for some inspiration, I found the following quotes on “Last Hurrahs.”

“Hurrah Boys! Let’s get these last few reds then head on back to camp. Hurrah! — George Armstrong Custer

“Every society needs a cry like that, but only in a very few do they come out with the complete, unvarnished version, which is ‘Remember-The-Atrocity-Committed-Against-Us-Last-Time-That-Will-Excuse-The-Atrocity-That-We’re-About-To-Commit-Today! And So On! Hurrah’!” — Terry Pratchett

“Seeing as this is probably my last hurrah, I don’t suppose I could get you two bleeding hearts to massacre a village with me? For old time’s sake.” — Julie Kagawa

I guess these did not really inspire me. I want my “Last Hurrah” to be something that brings more hope and joy and happiness to the world. It must be something that shows all things are possible even when you are aged. It must be something that inspires other people to emulate it. I want my “Last Hurrah” to add meaning to my life and perhaps symbolize what the meaning of my life was.

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I want you the reader to think that perhaps a “Last Hurrah” has some value for your life as well. Instead of raging into the night, what if we all did one last good deed before our end? The true meaning of life is not raging but love. To continue to share love until our last breath may be greatest “Last Hurrah” of all. One last great chapter to spread more love in the world. What will it be?

Are you renewing your relationships?

17 May 2023 2 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: forever, happiness, love, renewal, timeless

Wrote this thirteen years ago. Just as true today as it was 3000 years ago. Don’t forget to do the reflection questions.

Aging Capriciously

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And I think I will keep you here,
deep within my heart.
Today…tomorrow…forever…and a day! — (From “Forever and a Day”, by Cindy Heavican)

Songs can tell us a great deal about the feelings that are associated with time. Forever and a day! What a beautiful thought. When we marry someone, our thoughts are like in this song. Our hope is that our love and our happiness together will last long after our earthly bodies have withered away. Poems and stories are full of tales of love that have somehow transcended time. Some of these stories, like Romeo and Juliet, are now timeless themselves.

We would all like to think that our love will last forever and a day. We marvel at those people for whom this seems to hold true. We may know a special couple who never seem to tire of each other and who are always loving…

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Facing America’s Real Problems: Part 1

28 Apr 2023 6 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: buddhist, cartels, christian, crime, drug laws, drug wars, drugs, Hindu, Jewish, love, mexico, muslim, prisons

I have always believed that if you wanted to solve a problem or fix something that was broken, you needed to know how or why it was broken. Dr. Deming used to say that you must understand the process before you can either fix it or improve it. Without a fundamental understanding of the process, you can only put temporary fixes on a problem. Something we can compare to taking ibuprofen for a sore shoulder or a painful knee. The temporary fix helps deal with symptoms but does nothing to address underlying causes. Without addressing underlying causes, the problem simply comes back when the “band-aid” wears off.

For years now, I have pondered two seemingly different and unrelated issues. The first is why we cannot stem the tide of drugs in America. The second is why schools are so dysfunctional today. The more I have studied these two issues, the more I see the relationship between the two. They are both symptoms of the same underlying cause. Let’s look at each of these issues in turn before we seek a solution.

The Drug Problem in America:

There is no need to regale you as to the extent of drugs in the USA. The “War on Drugs” has been waged on marijuana, heroin, crack, opioids, cocaine, alcohol, meth and now fentanyl. For over a hundred years, some type of drug has been identified as detrimental to the social fabric of the USA. During this time, we have waged this war by banning heroin, banning alcohol, banning pot and recent efforts to decriminalize drugs. Little or nothing has been done to address and attack the underlying cause of drug abuse. What is the reason that people take drugs?

The simple reason that people take drugs, besides the medicinal use, is to escape reality. To escape from a world that is too violent, too scary, too complicated, too isolated, too hurtful, too discriminatory, too racist, too sexist, or too economically difficult to survive in. Chris Hedges recently wrote that:

“Tens of millions of Americans, cast adrift by deindustrialization, understand that their lives will not improve, nor will the lives of their children.” The United States of Paralysis, April 23, 2023

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America is divided into three countries. One country for people with money and social support systems. This is a country for the rich and connected. A second country for people with subsistence incomes that are fragile and who have weak support systems. The third country is an ‘In-between country” which was once called the “middle class” but over the past fifty or so years, has seen a notable decline. Many of the people in this third country are barely getting by.

Homelessness Reaches All-Time Record In New York City

Men and women who were once able to support a family of four or five could no longer count on work that would put them above the poverty level. Many of these people lived in rural areas of the USA where economic opportunities were less available. So, what did America do for these dispossessed and cast out workers? Nothing! No financial help. No serious retraining efforts. No major jobs programs. No efforts to curtail the outflow of American businesses to low-wage countries. Simply graphs and charts showing how much more they could earn if they graduated college. Did you ever hear of a college program for blue-collar workers?

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From 2000 to 2015, I taught in three universities in Minnesota. I repeatedly said that 1/2 of the students I saw should not have been in college. Either because they were lost in terms of career goals or because they did not have the academic ability to fit into college as it is now structured. During this time, high school counselors kept sending graduates to universities regardless of the fit between the student and the college. Colleges kept admitting these students because more students meant more money for the college. We have now come to realize the mistake that we made in shutting down alternatives to college. Millions of students are now getting college degrees that are useless in terms of providing a decent income. Furthermore, these students will end up saddled with thousands of dollars of debt that they may never be able to pay off.

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Adding insult to injury is the loss of work that provides for the infrastructure of America. Carpenters, welders, plumbers, painters, landscape workers and truck drivers are in short supply all over the USA. Manufactured products may take weeks to order or be backordered for months. I waited 3 months to get a “molded lead frame” for my F-150 pickup. Many of the products that we need are now manufactured in other countries. While I still support the basic idea of a global interconnected economy, I do not support a program that has little or no planning or contingencies for the predictable shortcomings of such an economy. It is inevitable that robots and Artificial Intelligence will displace many more workers. However, it will be a tragedy of epic proportions if we ignore the social consequences of this displacement. The resulting societal disintegration will be on a far greater scale than that which resulted from the lack of planning for Globalization.

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Where do drugs come in? Misery, loneliness, depression, fear, and hopelessness are the root causes of drug addiction. Eliminate the causes of these feelings and you eliminate the need for drugs. Can we eliminate these “feelings?” Some of them will always be with us but when we have a situation where over 100,000 people in the USA died from drug overdoses in 2022, we have a situation with a cause that is universal. It is not a personal problem or a mental health problem. It is a societal problem.

“Rahul Gupta, Director of the White House Office of National Drug Control Policy (ONDCP), issued the following statement regarding the CDC’s release of provisional drug overdose death data, which show 107,477 predicted overdose deaths in the 12-month period ending in August 2022.” – CDC Drug Overdose Data

Those who want to ignore the root causes seem ready just as they are with our gun problem to blame the individual and ignore the common causes of the problem. Problems that have their roots in our society. Dr. Deming said that “If you put a good person in a bad system, the system will win every time.” We cannot solve the problem of drugs by sending armies to Mexico or increasing penalties of drug dealers or decriminalizing drugs. Decriminalizing drugs is a good first step, but it is only a first step.

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Our politicians are blind when it comes to dealing with America’s Drug Problem. Our “War on Drugs” is a farce. We are no more successful at stopping drugs today than we were in 1900. We trade one drug for another. The solution lies somewhat in government. We need politicians who are astute enough and smart enough to understand the real problems. They must be able to put aside myths and fallacies pertaining to drugs and set up social programs that help people instead of penalize people.

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We do not need more penalties for drug possession. We need leaders who really care about their citizens. Instead, we have politicians who only care about getting your vote. We need leaders who are compassionate and not vengeful. We will not solve the drug problem in our country by invading Mexico. If you have a buyer for something, you will have a seller. Destroying the cartels in Mexico will only transfer the drug production to another country.

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As corny as it might sound, only love will solve the drug problem.

“Love others as much as you love yourself” — Matthew 22:37-40, Christianity

“Never will you attain the good until you spend [in the way of Allah] from that which you love. And whatever you spend – indeed, Allah is Knowing of it” — Quran 3:92, Islam

“The one who loves all intensely begins perceiving in all living beings a part of himself.” — Yajurveda, Hinduism

“Love is a gift of one’s inner most soul to another so both can be whole.” — Buddha, Buddhism

“Love your neighbor as yourself.” — Moses, Leviticus 19:18, Judaism

“Deal ye one with another with the utmost love and harmony, with friendliness and fellowship . . . This goal excelleth every other goal, and this aspiration is the monarch of all aspirations.” — Bahá’u’lláh, Gleanings from the Writings of Bahá’u’lláh, Baha’i

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We need to extend love to people who are outcasts. People who are disenfranchised by a ruthless capitalist system that values money more than people. We don’t need lectures for these people. We need help for them. Help that shows they are not forgotten. Help that shows they are not looked down on. Help that shows they are valued human beings. Help that will enable them to contribute to society. Help that is grounded in love and not retribution.

If you think that we can kill our way to a drug free culture or that we will eliminate drugs by killing all the cartel leaders, you are part of the delusion that grips American drug policy. What will it take to erase this delusion and start seeing the problem for what it really is?

A lack of love and compassion for the underdogs in our society.

Next week my blog will deal with the fundamental problems in our educational systems and what we can do about them.

My Brother Billy: RIP

23 Mar 2023 22 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: brotherhood, death, empathy, forgiveness, grudges, love, moving on, regrets, sorrow

This is a short story with few characters. It began ten or so years ago, but it did not end until February of this year, Anno Domini 2023. It is but a brief waypoint in the relationship I had with my brother before he died on July 6 of 2022. Before we begin my story, let me introduce the “cast” of characters.

William Paul Persico: Younger brother to John Persico Jr. Born on March 31, 1958. Billy as everyone called him was almost twelve years younger than John. Billy and John grew up in the same house, but their paths hardly crossed. They shared little in common. Billy dropped out of school in the 9^th grade after staying back two years. Billy’s main values: Drinking, smoking, drugs, and partying with his friends. Later in life, Billy started to pay more attention to his son Jacob. They shared some very special times together before Billy passed.

John Persico Jr. Brother to Billy. Born on September 17, 1946. Joined the military in September of 1964 at the age of 18. Hardly had any contact with Billy for many years. Not much in common. John’s main values: Education, hard work, and honesty. Others might disagree with this rather positive outlook but hell, I am the one telling this story.

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ABOVE PICTURE – JEANINE ON THE LEFT AND KAREN ON THE RIGHT. HIKING IN FEBUARY

Jeanine Persico: Billy’s older sister and John’s younger sister. Born on August 30, 1951. Spent thirty-five years working for Social Security. Received early retirement. After her mom and older sister Sheri died, she seemed to adopt Billy as a basket case that she needed to take care of. Continually enabling him (In my mind at least) by giving him money and never expecting him to pay it back. Jeanine’s main values: Family, friendship, loyalty, compassion, and avoidance of conflict. Jeanine is much like our mother. A loving kind person who takes care of people.

Karen Y. Persico. Wife of John Persico. Born July 5^th, 1944. Karen had to listen for many years to my complaints about my brother’s perceived lack of positive attributes. She was always kind to Billy when he called and once visited but shared my disapproval for his profligate lifestyle. She never questioned or complained of any money we loaned to Billy. Karen’s values: Family, frugality, hard work, education, and music. She shows her love for others through her cooking, crafts, and music.

Linda Therrien: Billy’s common law wife and companion for twenty or so years. Born October 13, 1946. Billy lived with Linda in a mostly loving relationship. Two lonely outcast souls that seemed to find each other and as Judge Judy once said, “There is a cover for every pot.” Linda’s values: Unknown. It will not really matter since Linda plays a very small role in this story. Linda is a walk-on and walk right off in this story.

The story that follows has some roots in what happened after my mother Dorothy died. She passed away on Feb 2, 1994, at the age of 67. After Billy’s divorce, he had continued to live with our mom. My sister Sheri who died on December 22, 2002, along with my sister Jeanine and I agreed to let Billy have the house if he paid the mortgage, taxes and maintained it in a reasonably good state. It did not take long before we had to pay all of the former out of our own pockets as Billy remained unemployed and more interested in partying with his friends. Billy was turning the place into a crack house for his druggie friends. Sheri, Jeanine, and I met to discuss the situation. We agreed to sell the house and split the proceeds four ways.

The practically non-existent relationship that I had with my brother went even further south after we sold the house. He once said that my sisters and I got all the brains, and it was not fair. He felt that he should have kept the house and that we could keep paying his bills. I was living in another state and wanted nothing to do with him. About the only time for the next ten or so years that I heard from him was around Christmas time. I guessed he was angry about the house but I did not care. The less that I heard from him, the happier I was.

Jeanine would fill me in on Billy’s various shenanigans which were always good for a laugh. It seemed that he had little desire to do anything with his life except drink, drugs, and smoke. The only time that I did hear from him was to borrow some money. Jeanine routinely gave him money. I was a more difficult touch as I did not feel any guilt over his lifestyle. I did occasionally break down and give him some funds when I could afford it and did not expect to be paid back. I had nothing to worry about on that score.

More years went by and sometime around the beginning of 2008, Billy contacted me and asked for a loan of $300 dollars. It surprised me that he was so adamant about it being a loan. He did not expect it to be a gift. He assured me that he would pay me back in full before Christmas of that year. I gave him the loan and reassured him that I did expect it to be paid back. You can guess the outcome.

Christmas of 2008 came and went, and I did not hear from Billy. I was angry and fed up. I called him after the holidays were over to find out where my money was. I received the excuse that he just did not have it and he was sorry. I lost my temper and cursed him up and down. But I was not through with him. I went to the computer and wrote the meanest, cruelest letter that I have ever written. I told him that if he had been run over and was dying in the streets and all it took was one cent to save his life, I would not give it. I read the letter to my sister Jeanine. Sheri my younger sister by one year had died of cancer six years before. Jeanine did not say much at the time. I put the letter in an envelope and mailed it to Billy and Linda. At the time, I had no regrets. I thought of it as a form of tough love or shock therapy. I thought it might make a difference. Why did I not have a real brother instead of someone like him, I often wondered?

Well, communication between Billy and I grew less and less frequent. Considering it had never been frequent, it was more like hardly ever. I reasoned that Billy had received my letter and was now even more angry than before. Five or more years went by. Christmas cards and Christmas calls did not happen between us anymore. Then gradually, a call every six months or so would happen. Karen and I started to send and receive Christmas cards to and from Billy and Linda. I guessed that he had put my mean letter behind him and was attempting to move on. I wanted to forget the letter and often thought of apologizing for it but just could not bring myself to do it.

Billy died at the age of 64 on July 6, 2022. He had suffered from many illnesses primarily but perhaps not entirely due to his lifestyle. According to Linda, he went into their bedroom to lay down and take a nap. She went in later to talk to him and found him dead.

The story really begins here. The stuff above is simply prelude.

Jeanine: Calls me on phone from RI to Wisconsin. “John, Billy died yesterday.”

John: “How did it happen?”

Jeanine: “Just passed away. They are calling it a heart attack and will not do an autopsy.”

Jeanine is crying and very distraught. I reasoned it best not to go into any details at this time in terms of funeral or whatever. Knowing Billy and Linda had no money, it would fall on Jeanine and I to take care of any burial expenses. Some days go by, and I call Jeanine.

John: “What do you want to do about the funeral?”

Jeanine: “I would like to have a regular church funeral and burial for him.”

John: “I am sorry that he passed but I am not willing to go for a big elaborate funeral and burial. I will split a cremation and simple burial with you but that is as far as I will go. I am not going to pretend that I am all teary eyed about his passing.”

Jeanine: “I will get back to you on this.”

A few days later, and Jeanine calls me back. Without talking to me she has made funeral arrangements and set a date for the service.

John: “Jeanine, I told you that I am not willing to spend this kind of money on such an elaborate funeral. This is your show and your expense. I am not planning to come out for the funeral. Billy was less a brother to me and more just someone I knew in passing. I am not going to be a hypocrite now and pretend to be all mournful.”

I had discussed my response to Jeanine with several friends and asked each what they would do. Most agreed with me and said they would set a limit on how much they would spend. They all implied that Jeanine felt guilty and was making reparations by this funeral. I did not feel guilty except for one thing. The mean nasty letter that I had sent to Billy thirteen years ago.

I could tell that Jeanine was somewhat miffed by my response. A certain distance seemed to come between us. For my part, I thought she went overboard. As things worked out, she did not have enough money to cover the gravestone that she wanted to put on Billy’s plot. I sent her a thousand dollars to cover a portion of the expense. It seemed to mend our relationship and in February of this year, 2023, Jeanine came out to Arizona to visit for a week. The story continues from there.

Jeanine and Karen went to the health club the second day of her visit to work out together. Upon their return, we have the following discussion.

Karen: “Jeanine wants to tell you something, but is afraid that you will be very angry.”

John: “Ok, I promise no matter what, I will not be angry.”

Jeanine: “Do you remember that letter that you sent to Billy many years ago?”

John: “Of course, I remember it. I still regret that I never called him up to apologize for it.”

Jeanine: “Well, Billy never got it.”

John: “What do you mean he never got it?”

Jeanine: “You told me about the letter and I went over to Billy’s apartment each day to intercept the letter. One day when Billy was not home, I went over and asked Linda if she had received a letter from you. She said that it had just come that morning. Billy had not seen it. I asked her for the letter and told her I needed it and not to tell Billy about it. Linda simply gave me the letter and I destroyed it.”

John: “Are you kidding me? You were tampering with US Mail. This is a serious offense, Jeanine. For thirteen years, I fretted over sending that letter and whether I was going to apologize for writing it.”

Karen: “You promised not to be angry.”

John: “I am not angry. I don’t know what to feel: relief, disappointment, gratitude, regrets. It is just hard to believe this. You waited thirteen years to tell me. Well, it is all just water over the dam now. I will never know what would or would not have made a difference in my relationship with Billy.”

The End – Almost

The last few years of Billy’s life, he seemed to change. I was noticing postings of his on Facebook and he seemed happier and more thoughtful. He was taking time with his son Jacob and was engaged in other activities besides drinking and smoking. Jeanine told me that he had quit drugs, drinking, and smoking and was trying to clean up his life. I was skeptical and did not believe what I was hearing. Jeanine often had rose colored glasses when it came to Billy. With the advantage of hindsight, I believe he really was making an effort to live a real life. I wonder if I could have been a better brother to him or how I could have made a more significant contribution to his life. I wonder whether or not Billy’s not receiving the letter was a good or bad thing. Mostly, I am glad that he did not.

“None of you believes until he wishes for his brother what he wishes for himself.” ― Prophet Muhammad

Empathy: Do We Really Need It?

19 Feb 2023 25 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: compassion, depression, empathy, help, love, mercy, self-interest, sympathy

Before we begin to answer the question raised in the title, we need to define empathy. I will ignore what the dictionary says in favor of my own definition. My definition of empathy is “A feeling that somehow gets shared between two (or more people) and that helps each person feel closer to the other person.” Years ago, when my first wife and I went to marriage counseling, she told the counselor, that I was the only person she knew who did not have any feelings. For years, she had wondered about it but she finally concluded that I did not have any. I cannot fault her for this. I believed that Spock on Star Trek, was too emotional. After all, he did have a human mother.

Forty-six years have gone by since that fateful counseling session and I have learned a lot more about empathy. But to say that I am a master or even a journeyman in empathy would be an exaggeration. Learning empathy is not as simple as that. It is compounded by the fact that I see three types of empathy (This is my typology). There is neg-empathy, neutral empathy, and positive empathy. Most of my days are spent in neutral empathy. I have had many occasions of neg-empathy. Once in a great while, I get struck by lightning and have a glimpse of positive empathy. They have become more frequent as I have aged but not frequent enough. (The opening picture above shows three types of empathy that psychology textbooks use.) Again, I favor my own three types.

compassion versus empathy

Neg-Empathy

Neg-empathy is a complete disregard for how another person feels. Sometimes it is intentional but most often it is inadvertent. Culturally many of us are brought up to exhibit neg-entropy. Here is one example:

A good friend is running with me on a mountain trail in Casa Grande. He stumbles, falls, and twists his ankle. I ask him if it is ok and can he still run. He replies that it hurts quite a bit, to which I reply “Remember, when the going gets tough, the tough get going.” I think I heard that line from John Wayne or Vince Lombardi. Many men and maybe women in some cultures are brought up to disregard pain and to ignore suffering. “I pulled myself up by my bootstraps, so should you.” “The only thing you have to fear, is fear itself.”

Personally, I love a lot of these macho aphorisms. My father used to tell me them all the time. Like when I once came home battered and bruised from a fight that I had won with an older kid, and my father said. “Next time you win a fight, look like you won it.”

People who are suffering from depression are often the victims of neg-entropy. In trying to help them with lines like “Tomorrows another day” or “You worry too much,” we make things worse for them. At best, we do not ameliorate or disperse any of their depression.

Neg-empathy does not make anyone feel better. Comments from neg-empathy do nothing to share a sense of common concern or camaraderie. At best, they are not helpful and at worse, they may just be mean spirited and cruel.

Neutral Empathy:

sympathy I started running in 1975 after being a very good bicyclist for many years. I ran in freezing rain, below zero wind-chills and blistering heat. I even went out one time and ran with a tornado coming through the neighborhood. Like the U.S. Mail, nothing could stop me. Over the years, I met many people who would tell me “I used to run but my knees went out and I had to give it up.” I had enough sense not to tell them what I was really thinking so I usually said nothing or just a “too bad.” What I was really thinking was “If you really wanted to you could still be running.” The latter comment would be an example of neg-empathy. My silence was an example of neutral empathy. I did not make any connection to the feelings that the other person had, nor did I much want to. I could not identify with them since I ran “no matter what.” I was better than they were.

Last year in April of 2022, I broke my finger in a fall while running on a mountain trail in Casa Grande. I continued running and did not find out that my finger was broke until I had an Xray about two months or so later. The finger throbbed and looked funny for much of this time. This still did not stop my running. The advice from many people was that it was just swollen, and the swelling would go down.

One of my favorite run days of the year is January 1. It is a day that while many are making promises to exercise or lose weight, I go up and do a long hour run in the mountains. This year, January 1, 2023, I put my running gear on and drove to the mountain trailhead. The closer I came to the trailhead, the more apprehension I felt. I began to dread running on the mountain trails today. What used to seem like fun was replaced with a scary feeling. “When will I break my leg” kept going through my mind?

I finally decided not to run anymore (at least on these trails). From now on I would hike the trails. Since January, I have made about three hikes each week. On each of my hikes, I have suffered from missing the challenges of trail running, feeling like a coward who quit, and just plain thinking of myself as a loser.

Today, I was experiencing the same feelings when suddenly, I realized that I would now be the one to have an excuse for not running any more. My thoughts went to the numerous times I had encountered others with an excuse for not running. What would I say to the people I met on the trail. Should I apologize for not running? Would they recognize me as the guy who had been running these trails for 12 years? I did not want sympathy, but I was embarrassed before even meeting anyone else on the trail.

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I realized that I had never given anyone positive empathy for having to give up their running. My keeping quiet was just an example of neutral empathy. No support, no compassion, no closeness, no connection with how the other person was feeling. Forty years after my counseling sessions, and the best I was doing was negative empathy.

Positive Empathy:

My shoulder hurts now from lifting too many weights yesterday. With Karen gone East to visit her children, I have been doubling down on my exercise schedule. I figured I could catch up and maybe even get ahead for the several days that I missed last month. This idea of “catching up” is stupid. It is fruitless and a waste of time. Furthermore, it is much more likely to result in injury than sticking to a “normal” schedule. So now my shoulder is painful and I have no one around to show me any empathy. Karen would be running some cream or oil in my shoulder or giving me a massage or just telling me that she was worried about me, and that I should take it easy. Karen is my main source of positive empathy.

martin luther king f

We all need positive empathy for the pains and outrageous misfortunes that happen to us in life. There are two problems that we may have in getting this positive empathy.

Too many people like me who are not good at giving positive empathy.
Not enough people in our lives to give us the empathy we all need on occasion.

What happens to people who live alone or who have few friends? I don’t really have a good answer to this. I realize that there are people who visit shut ins. People who visit prisons. I wonder if this is enough. Some of the studies on happiness suggest that people are less happy than they were years ago.

“While happiness increased globally up until 2011, it has been falling ever since. But this trend masks large differences in happiness across countries, with clear winners and losers.” World Happiness Report

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Some questions I have for you:

Is it possible to give ourselves empathy?
Can self-empathy replace empathy from other people?
What happens to people who never get any empathy?
Thanks for reading. I look forward to hearing your comments or responses.

The Day I Met the Bar Room Bum

14 Jan 2023 20 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: divorce, greed, happiness, joy, love, meaning, money, Power, success

man-in-bar

I’m sitting in a bar feeling shitty about my life. I have an average job. I have an average looking wife and average kids. I’m feeling shitty about myself as well. I have accomplished nothing beyond average in my entire life. I had once thought I was destined for greatness. I dreamed that one day I would have the best-looking wife on the block and make more money than I could count. None of my dreams have come to pass and I am now sitting here in this average bar nursing a cheap drink and wondering where I took the wrong turn.

Suddenly, the bar room door opens and in walks this seedy looking bum. You know the type. Long stringy hair, dirty clothes, smelly and unkempt. He has probably not bathed in a month. I hope he will not come and sit down next to me. I know he will try to bum a drink. If he does, I will tell him to go to hell. I am not in the mood to shell out good money for some alcoholic bum.

Sure enough, he sits down next to me. I give him the evil eye and he moves on down to the two guys sitting at the other end of the bar. I watch some give and take between the bum and the other two drinkers. They are shaking their heads and I assume telling him to get lost. He walks back over to where I am sitting and takes a seat.

bum in bar

“Hey mister, can you buy me a drink.” “Get lost”, I say, “I’m not a charity for bar bums.” “How about some compassion for someone’s who’s down on their luck.” “You want compassion” I reply, “go visit a priest.”

“What if I could tell you a story that would profoundly change your life” says the bum. “Would that change your mind?” “Tell you what” I say, “you tell me the story and if it profoundly changes my life, I’ll buy you a drink.” I expect this will get rid of the bum but instead he agrees to my terms. “Deal” he intones in a low soft voice.

“My name is Mike. Twenty years ago, I graduated from Harvard University with a degree in law. I had the highest GPA average in my graduation class. At least five major law firms in Boston attempted to recruit me. I took the one that offered me the most money. I received a high six-digit salary.

Happy man enjoying the rain of money

I bought five of the best suits I could find. I purchased a Porsche Carrera GT and a penthouse with a view of the Boston harbor.

I was assigned easy cases at first. We represented the big corporations in their lawsuits. Most of these were by disgruntled employees, whistle blowers and private citizens. I killed each of them. I was assigned bigger and bigger cases. The amounts contested often ran into the hundreds of millions of dollars. Many of the cases involved issues of sexual harassment, environmental degradation and fraud. I never lost a case. My corporate clients were ecstatic. I was the go to guy for any high profile big buck lawsuit in the nation.

My life was a dream. I made more and more money. My salary was now in the seven digits with my bonuses and gratuities from my clients. I was invited to celebrity parties and the super exclusive country clubs of the rich.

I was tall dark and handsome. I worked out six days a week in the gym and I had a body that was the envy of any guy in the firm. The woman all drooled when I walked by. I bought a bigger penthouse and added a Ferrari 458 Spider to my car collection. The car was given to me by a grateful client.

One day at the office, the firm’s owner and founder introduced me to his daughter Ashley. She was a knockout. She was a former Miss College USA. She was tall blonde and statuesque. She had the face of any angel. Sadly, she did not have the brains to match her looks.

I was polite to her but made no obvious overtures to show that I was interested. She did not really care as just about every other male and even some female lawyers were thinking about how to get in bed with her. I decided to pretend to ignore her.

We had a Christmas party at the firm later that year. It was held at the Boston Harbor Hotel. I saw Ashley and she was surrounded by a bunch of our lawyers each trying to impress her. I decided this was a good time to throw my hat in the ring. I joined the conversation and soon showed how stupid most of my competition was. Each one in turn drifted away so that only Ashley and I were left talking. I went to the bar and returned with another drink for Ashley and myself. We talked for another half hour or so and I made my move.

couple

I invited Ashley up to my penthouse for a night cap. In no time at all, she was in my bed. I am not bragging when I say that not only did we go at it all night, but I called in to cancel appointments the next day and we spent the entire next day in bed going at it like deprived bunny rabbits.

As I said before, she was not the brightest light bulb in the pack but I figured where I was going, it would be good to have a looker like her as my wife. A few months later in what was one of the Boston social events of the year we were married. We moved into a new house in Back Bay.

I eventually left the law firm and started my own firm. Some of the old firm’s clients went with me and I was now making more money than ever. I worked seven days and week. I was busy many evenings and did not bother coming home. I bought a penthouse near my new office in Boston and brought my mistresses up there whenever I had an overnight. I had hired several very good-looking paralegals to work for me and some of them were more than happy to help keep me warm at night.

Ashley started talking about having children and how she wished I could do more things with her. I had no intention of doing either. Why spoil a good thing?

woman on top sexually A few more months went by and one day I decided to come home from work early. As I entered my house, I heard screams coming from upstairs. I went to a desk and grabbed a loaded Colt Commander 45 ACP that I kept ready for emergencies. I feared that Ashley was being attacked by some unknown intruder. I ran up the stairs and into our bedroom. There on the bed was Ashley and one of the young lawyers from my old law firm. They were both nude and she was on top of him riding him like a bucking bronco. What I thought were screams of pain were screams of ecstasy. I had never heard anything like that from Ashley during our entire marriage.

She turned to look at me but did not break a beat in her rhythm. The only thing she said was “Get out. I want a divorce.” I vacillated between shooting one or both of them but decided that my better course of action was to leave. On the way out, I heard her say very loudly “Take off that damn condom, I want you to come inside of me.”

I packed some stuff and moved into my penthouse apartment. I really did not give a damn if she left me. At the time, I assumed I would be out some alimony but that would-be pennies compared to what I was making. A week or so later, I received a letter from my father-in-law. He informed me that not only would my old law firm be suing me for spousal neglect but I would be sued 150 million dollars for violating the terms of my contract when I had left his law firm. Somewhere in the fine print of my contract, it had specified that I could not work with any of the firm’s clients for a period of five years upon terminating my employment.

The court convened for my trial a few weeks later. Ashley showed up for the trial. She sat with her lover on the plaintiff’s side of the court and glared at me the entire trial. I lost on all counts. I was told that I would have to pay 5 million dollars in restitution and was disbarred from practicing law for ten years following the date of the trial. I lost everything. My house, my cars, my penthouse apartment, my jewelry and my career. Between my ex-father-in-law and my ex-wife, I was broke. The only friend I had left in the world was Johnny Walker Blue Label and I could not even afford that anymore.

I took up drinking cheap whiskey. It has been five years now since the trial. I have five more years to go before I can practice law again. I know that I am an alcoholic bum but can you blame me? I told you that there would be a life changing moral in this story for you but before I give it to you, I want my drink.”

Mike had concluded his story. I wondered what the life changing moral would be. I had some ideas but curiosity got the better of me. I decided to buy him his drink and let him finish his tale of woe.

“Bartender” I called, “bring my friend here a shot of Johnny Walker Scotch.” The Scotch was quickly downed by Mike with a look of joy and ecstasy on his face that would be hard to describe.

“Okay”, Mike began “I have had many years to reflect on my life and where it went wrong. I also know that not a man alive would at some point in their life not have been envious of mine. The sad part and the moral is that we all want things that we think will make us happy when the real happiness is what we have inside and what we bring to life, not what life brings to us.” With these last words of wisdom, Mike got off his bar stool and went out the same way he came in. I never saw him again.

I sat for an hour or so after he left thinking about what he had said. Just a few minutes before he had entered the bar, I was bemoaning my sorry life and denigrating my family. I decided to go home and hug my wife and kids.

Happy family in front of house

Many years have past since I met Mike. My life is pretty much the same as it was before I met him, except that I have never been happier. My wife is beautiful and my kids are beautiful. I would not trade my life for all the money in the world.

Time for Questions:

Do you appreciate what you have? What does it take to make us happy? Is money an essential element of happiness? What if you had no money, could you still be happy? What is the most important person or thing in your life? Why?

Life is just beginning.

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.” — Melody Beattie

But can we really learn to love again?

08 Aug 2022 30 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: denial, forgiveness., hate, love, marriage, relationship, romance

“Just Give Me A Reason” Pink with Nate Ruess
I love the possibility that Pink raises in her song that a love which has gone cold can somehow be reignited.

But can we really learn to love again?

How many of us have had a love affair go south. A love that we thought was like no other. A love that would last forever! A love that caused all reason to go out the window and for which we would have sold our souls to the very devil himself. A love that friends and families said was meant to be and that would still be burning bright in the firmament when all the stars in the sky had long since dimmed. A match made in heaven itself that would never be seen again. No reason, no logic, no facts, no data, no statistics, no arguments, no evidence could convince us that we would not be with this person until the very end of time. But then something happened!

I’m sorry I don’t understand
Where all of this is coming from
I thought that we were fine
(Oh, we had everything)
Your head is running wild again
My dear we still have everythin’
And it’s all in your mind
(Yeah, but this is happenin’)

Suddenly, the impossible becomes possible. The unthinkable becomes thinkable. Your worst fears become reality. Nightmares become day dreams. You are cheating on the other person. The other person is cheating on you. You are drifting apart. You don’t connect like you used to. You find yourself wishing you were with someone else. You are hurt. You are lonely. You feel abused. You feel neglected. They don’t care about you anymore. Things are different but you don’t know why.

You used to lie so close to me, oh, oh
There’s nothing more than empty sheets
Between our love, our love
Oh, our love, our love

But can we really learn to love again?

You don’t know. They don’t know. The impossible is now probable. You have lost faith in the dream. “Grow old along with me” has changed to “I can’t go on any longer like this.” Caring has changed to neglect. Closeness has been replaced with distance. Love has been replaced with apathy. Everything seems hopeless. What could have happened to us?

Just give me a reason
Just a little bit’s enough
Just a second we’re not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
I never stopped
You’re still written in the scars on my heart
You’re not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

But can we really learn to love again?

Where do we start? We forgot what we meant to each other. We forgot how to care for each other. We forgot how much we once loved each other. How do we remember? Where do we find what we once knew?

Life conspires to help us forget. I told you that I loved you a million times. Each time I meant it more than the countless times before. But one day, I stopped saying it. Something was happening but I did not know what. Nothing had prepared me for the day that I forgot that I once loved you. Now, my once and forever love is not even a distant memory. Where do I find the love that I lost? Can I find it in your arms or in the arms of someone new?

Somehow it seems easier to look elsewhere for our lost and forgotten love. Divorce is fast and easy. I lost something that now I cannot find. Easier to move on and start over again. Legions of counselors, psychologists, therapists and ministers could not put our love back together again. I simply want to escape the pain and the loneliness. I did not mean for this to happen. We seemed to be so happy together yesterday and then today, it was all over. Dreams shattered like a boat in a storm on a rocky shoal. It all happened so fast, I was overwhelmed. I am devastated.

Oh, tear ducts and rust
I’ll fix it for us
We’re collecting dust
But our love’s enough
You’re holding it in
You’re pouring a drink
No nothing is as bad as it seems
We’ll come clean

But can we really learn to love again?

I wish that it were really possible but I don’t know where to start. How can we go back when I don’t remember what to go back to? What is the cause? How do I solve a problem when I don’t know what the problem is? Like the boat on the shoals, I feel like I am being battered on all sides. I can’t go back and I can’t go forward. I want to escape and I don’t know where or who to escape to. Somewhere there must be a happy ending.

Oh, we can learn to love again
Oh, we can learn to love again
Oh, oh, that we’re not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

But can we really learn to love again?

Maybe we can learn to love again but often I think it takes work and more work. Too many love affairs, marriages, romances etc. are based on a sort of nostalgic love. We hear of many people who have gone back to high school reunions and married a high school sweetheart. I think romance might be the start of love but it is only getting out of the gate. The real work comes, and it is work to keep a relationship together, after the fantasy of love forever starts to fade. No amount of dreaming, hoping or wishing can replace the effort that a good relationship takes to maintain. The Law of Entropy says that unless you put energy into something, it will devolve into chaos and randomness. Too many love affairs have gone this way. There is something sad about watching this happen, whether to a friend or to ourselves.

Time for Questions:

Why do we fall out of love? Was it really love in the first place? Can we bring back the feelings we once had for someone? Why or why not? Are you willing to do the work it takes to rekindle an old flame or to keep a flame burning? Can it really be rekindled? Is it all about wanting to or is it all about desire? Do you know anyone who has “learned to love again?” What did they do? Could you do this? Why not?

The Four Baskets of Life Needed on the Path to Happiness and Success

27 Jul 2022 3 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: love, mental ability, physical ability, religion, social ability, Spirituality

We are all born with four baskets of life. We are born with these baskets, and we will die with these baskets. Our happiness and success will depend on how we fill these baskets and what we fill them with. It might seem unfair, but no two people are born with the same size baskets. Some of us have bigger baskets and some of us have smaller baskets. Ironically, bigger baskets can be more of a burden than smaller baskets.

The four baskets are known as, mental, physical, socio-emotional, and spiritual. When we are born, our baskets are almost empty. We have rudimentary materials that are put in each basket at birth. However, no human can grow to maturity without adding more into each basket. Given the size limitations of our baskets, our challenge is to fill each basket with the appropriate goods that we need for a happy successful life.

Mental/Cognitive Basket

Some of us are smarter than others. However, smartness or intelligence is not merely related to IQ. Each of us can be smart at different things. Some people are good cooks. Some people are good mathematicians and others are good carpenters. Regardless of what skill sets you may have; your mental basket needs some basic knowledge to help you navigate in life. Many of the skills needed are gained in schools or by teachers who help fill your basket. Many of the skills we need are gained by experience. Regardless of whether you add to your basket by experience or formal learning in a school, the goods you put in your basket need to match your knowledge, skills, and abilities. Your interests are the motivation for what you desire to find and add to your basket. One should go through life adding stuff to their basket and occasionally removing stuff. Knowledge is not static. It changes with the times as well as with your own needs. I used to tell my business students, that the only value they had to their company was between their ears.

Physical Basket

Clearly we are all born with different physical assets and abilities. Nike says everyone is an athlete. Unfortunately, too many people do not see any reason to add goods to their physical basket. They admire people like Michael Jordan, Mikaela Pauline Shiffrin, Usain Bolt, Michael Phelps, Misty Copeland, Anna Netrebko and Tom Brady. If you asked most people, they would readily admit that they do not have the physical skill sets that these champions have. However, too many people grow old with the nearly same basket that they were born with. I know too many people who stopped exercising or practicing after they left high school or college. “Oh, I used to run but I gave it up.” “I used to play the clarinet, but I lost interest.”

If any of the people I noted above had not practiced and practiced and never given up, they would not have achieved the greatness that they did. We all have different size baskets particularly when it comes to physical attributes but without practice and more practice filling up our baskets, we can never know what we are capable of. At the very least in terms of increasing our physical attributes, we might live to an older age still able to walk, run, hike, play, and sing. Instead too many people can only dream about the days gone by when they still could do these things.

Socio-Emotional Basket

Covid 19 devastated many people who depend on emotional connections to help manage their lives. It is true that some of us are less dependent than others when it comes to emotional attachments. Some of us are introverts and some are extraverts. Nevertheless, I know of no one who can go through life without a desire for love and friendship. The socio-emotional basket may vary in size for many of us but it is still a basket that we must try to fill to meet our needs or we remain isolated and lonely.

A number of years ago, the idea of EQ or Emotional Quotient to measure how well people do at managing their interpersonal relationships entered the mainstream of social science. “The term first appeared in 1964. It gained popularity in the 1995 best-selling book ‘Emotional Intelligence’, written by science journalist Daniel Goleman.” — Wikipedia The basic idea is that we all need to cope with our emotions and learn skills and techniques to help us better deal with the stresses of life. Everyone has days of being up and down. We all suffer from mild to strong depression at some time in our lives. Thoughts of suicide are more prevalent than most people realize. However, the goods that we put in our socio-emotional basket can determine how well we cope with these stresses. Even the “greatest” of lives have succumbed to a weak basket and gone to drugs or drink to try to deal with the ups and downs of life. History is littered with the deaths of good people who just did not have the socio-emotional coping skills to handle what life was throwing at them. I have had two cousins who committed suicide and a best friend who also took his life. Most people thought they had a lot to live for but apparently they disagreed.

Spiritual Basket

The spiritual basket is the most difficult to fill and the most problematic. Unless we fill the spiritual basket we will never find peace and happiness. It is the basket of fulfillment. It is the basket of true love. Without the right ingredients in this basket, we remain lonely and unloved. It does not matter how much we put in the other baskets, we must put the right stuff and enough of the right stuff in this basket or we will lead a life of “quiet despair.” There are two paths typically taken to fill this basket. One path is secular. The other path is sectarian. There are problems with each path.

The secular path is the path of the world. It is the path that says you need to have more of the things of the world to put in your basket. Getting more of the world’s stuff is heralded as the secret to filling your basket and achieving success and happiness. Some of the things people try to get more of include: Food, drugs, alcohol, fame, fortune, money, medals, accomplishments, status, power, knowledge, youth, health and titles. While some of these things might be useful in your other baskets, in this basket they simply do not work. The spiritual basket is immune to the things of the world. It is a truism that all of the great prophets and philosophers and thinkers have extolled. Sadly, it is a path that is promoted by too much of the world because it is driven by greed and financial profits. Buy that new truck and you will be happy. Buy that giant house and you will be happy. Read the latest diet book and you will be happy. How many times do people have to go down this path before they will realize that it only takes them in the wrong direction?

The other path to fill the spiritual basket is the sectarian path. This is the sacred path or the path of religion and sects. It is a path of meaning and purpose. It is a path of prayer and meditation. It is a path of Gods, prophets, and spiritual leaders. These leaders tell their followers that the path to happiness and success comes from following their teachings. Often they include meaning and purpose as tools necessary for your spiritual basket. Some believe in the power of meditation and prayer for your spiritual basket.

The great spiritual leaders like Mohammed, Jesus, Buddha and Baháʼu’lláh all had followers and tried to teach their followers by various means. It seems that the goal of enlightenment, samadhi or nirvana was achieved by each of the great leaders and even by some of their followers. Unfortunately for humanity and for most organized religions, these gurus and religious teachers all missed one important truth. “You cannot teach enlightenment.” Enlightenment can only be learned by example. We learn from our parents by the example they set for us. We learn by observing how they treat other people. We learn by what they do rather than what they say. The followers of the great prophets and gurus were learning their spirituality from what their teachers were doing and now what they were saying.

The words that were left by some religious teachers like Thomas Merton, Mother Teresa, OSHO, Krishnamurti and the writers of the Old Testament and New Testament have no doubt inspired many people to try to reach heaven or nirvana. For the most part, I doubt that many followers have ever achieved much enlightenment. If they did, it was not by the reading of words but by the life that they led.

I think having had 39 silent Jesuit Retreats that prayer, mediation, solitude, and contemplation have a role in finding peace and happiness. I do not think that they will lead anyone to nirvana or enlightenment. Unless I am an extreme outlier, after 39 years of a three-day silent retreat full of prayer and meditation, I am still pretty much just your normal unsaintly unholy guy. I am still waiting for most of my prayers to be answered and I am still waiting to sit peacefully in my car full of good will and cheerfulness when some jerk is tailgating me on the freeway. I am much more likely to wish that I had an invisible ray gun that could make the impatient driver and his/her auto just disappear.

You can not teach how heat feels. Description is futile. You must feel it. You cannot teach fulfillment or enlightenment you must experience it. Words are useless. The most important ingredient in a spiritual basket is love. Love for yourself and love for others. Love for all others and not just people who are like you. Not just people who think like you. If you do not feel love for yourself, you cannot feel love for others. But there is a paradox here. It is that love from others can help you feel loved. Love for others, love for yourself, love for yourself and love for others are the Yin/Yang of a spiritual basket. Purpose and meaning are good things, but they are transient. They will come and go and change with the times. Love never changes. Jesus said:

“A new commandment I give unto you, that ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.” – John 13:34-35 (KJV)

If you want enlightenment, follow a good person, do good deeds, be kind to all people and love yourself. Being a person of integrity and honor leads to self-love. Self-love leads to love for others. We are all born with an empty spiritual basket. In order to become complete, we must fill this basket with as much love as we can.

How to be civil in an uncivil world

23 May 2022 9 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: civility, ethics, incivility, love, morality, morals

Ms Hudson’s piece is marvelous. She is a wonderful writer with insights on civility that we all need to think about. This copy is from a site it was posted on with shares. The site is called Civic Renaissance. I advise everyone to sign up for this site and enjoy some excellent writing.

On Plato and civility: reflecting on Plato during his traditionally recognized birthday month, and civility for International Civility Month + win a YEAR of WONDRIUM!

Alexandra Hudson

2 hr ago

Gracious reader,

May is the month that scholars traditionally deem to be the birthday of Plato. Also, certain authorities have declared that May is International Civility Awareness Month.

The School of Athens, a fresco by the Italian Renaissance artist Raphael, painted between 1509 and 1511.

I’ve been thinking of both of these topics of late.

Plato and civility are never far from my mind, but I recently emerged from an experience that caused me to lean and reflect on them all the more.

(For those new to the Civic Renaissance community, my upcoming book on civility will be published by St. Martin’s press in May 2023.)

A recent, tumultuous business transaction prompted me to consider how civility applies to the real world—a and to ask a question that you may have considered, too.

How can we be civil in an uncivil world?

Is it possible for people who are committed to the principles of decency, courteousness, and treating others with basic respect to succeed and thrive when others do not abide by these principles?

Or is it a hopeless cause?

The story

In a recent business situation, the opposite party lacked all manner of basic decency.

Their behavior did not quite reach the level of illegal — although it did come perilously close—they were certainly unethical. More than anything, however, they were just terribly unprofessional and unpleasant to work with.

But their conduct reminded me of the importance of basic civility that many of us take for granted. It is only when norms of courtesy and respect are broken that we fully appreciate their importance to helping us co exist with others in society.

It’s an important truth: we note and appreciate civility most in its absence.

I define civility as the basic respect we are owed by virtue of our shared dignity and equal moral worth as human beings. We owe this to others regardless of who they are, what they look like, where they are from, whether or not we like them, and whether or not they can do anything for us.

I live and breathe civility and have studied social norms across history and culture— including countless instances of when they have been broken. I was still taken aback by how unpleasant the entire interaction was because of the absence of civility and mutual respect.

From the outset the opposite party was more than rude. They dispensed of basic courtesies from the get go. They didn’t even attempt to appear generous, amicable, or conscientious.

They were single-minded in their aim: all things personal aside, they wanted to get the absolute best deal possible at any cost.

Business is business, I’m sure they were thinking.

They forgot that there was a person on the other end of the transaction.

This resulted in me feeling used, squeezed, bullied, nickeled and dimed throughout negotiations.

It brought out the worst in me.

Instead of making me want to help them or instead of making me want to reach an agreement of mutual benefit, their conduct inflamed my baser nature, tempting me to go “scorched-earth,” ensuring they didn’t get what they wanted even if it hurt me, too.

I was frustrated by the fact that we were operating on two different moral and ethical levels.

I tried to stay high when they went low, yet every grating exchange with them made me want to sink to their level, where all bets and codes of decency were off.

In the end, rather miraculously, we came to an agreement.

I managed to prevent my baser nature from winning out. I was able to rise above the pettiness and the vindictiveness that I wanted to respond with— a facet of the human personality that we all share when we feel we are under threat.

But it wasn’t an experience I particularly enjoyed.

I was left with feelings of frustration and exhaustion. I felt like I had been disrespected and degraded.

I also felt disappointed in myself.

Most of us have probably had thoughts like this during and after interactions with people who are willing to do whatever it takes to get the upper hand:

Should I have been tougher?

Was my commitment to civility in the face of incivility a handicap?

Did my attempt to uphold my values allow me to be taken advantage of?

This experience has caused me to consider the practical importance of civility in life.

Won’t the person who is willing to go low—one who is willing to throw off the shackles of decency and civility—always win out?

How to be good in bad world

“How to be civil in an uncivil world” is a variation of an important question that people have been considering for a long, long time: how can a good person succeed in a world of evil?

Renaissance thinker and author of The Prince, Niccolo Machiavelli, who we have explored in a past CR issue, observed that, in history those who tend to gain and maintain power appear to have morals publicly, but privately dispense with their values the moment they get in the way.

“Politics have no relation to morals,” wrote Machiavelli.

Also in The Prince: “Thus it is well to seem merciful, faithful, humane, sincere, religious, and also to be so; but you must have the mind so disposed that when it is needful to be otherwise you may be able to change to the opposite qualities.”

In other words, Machiavelli argues that one who wishes to be powerful must be willing to dispense with the moral bounds of civility if the need arises.

While the civil person is contained by their commitment to civility, the uncivil person can do whatever is necessary to win.

Socrates—the Greek philosopher Plato’s teacher, and the protagonist in his dialogues—took a different view. He would take issue with how Machiavelli defines “winning.”

Socrates said that justice is to the soul what health is to the body. If a person gets the better end of a business deal, wins an argument, or comes out on top of a political battle, but does so by cutting corners and being dishonest, he hasn’t really “won” anything.

His soul is unhealthy and sick.

In Plato’s Republic, Socrates attacks the poet Homer, the educator of Greece, because he doesn’t like the values that Homer’s poems promote.

Achilles, the protagonist of The Iliad, embodies the ethics of revenge, slaughter, and vainglory.

Odysseus, the protagonist of The Odyssey, embodies the ethic of wiliness and deceit in order to come out on top of any situation.

Socrates purposes a new ethic: one that loves wisdom.

He wants to trade the ethic of revenge, “might makes right,” and vindictiveness with a shared love and pursuit of goodness, beauty, and truth.

Socrates believes that anyone who acts with injustice does so out of ignorance—after all, who would willingly make themselves sick? Who would knowingly choose sickness of the soul?

“Living well and living rightly are the same thing,” Socrates said in The Crito.

Socrates argues that a just person has an excellent and healthy soul, and the function of a just soul and person is to seek the justice and soulish health of others, too.

Socrates noted that it is not then the function of the just man to harm either friend or anyone else. Seeking to harm is an act of injustice, and therefore harms the harmer. The function of the just person is to seek the good of others, friends and enemies alike.

In a related sentiment, Abraham Lincoln once said, “Do I not defeat my enemy when I make him my friend?”

Final thoughts: on virtuous and vicious cycles, and on unbundling people and situations

There are three thoughts I’d like to leave with you.

First, we should not underestimate the power we each have to promote trust and civility in our world.

Second, learning to “unbundle” people and situations can help us mitigate the vicious cycles of incivility that are so detrimental to a free and flourishing society.

Third, we must remember when we encounter incivility in our modern world — and we invariably will, as the problem of incivility is endemic to human nature and human social life — we have a choice about how to respond.

Norms of decency and courtesy comprise an unwritten social contract between us and our fellow citizens. We take this contract for granted, which is why when this bond is broken, we are surprised, offended, and dismayed. When people don’t uphold their end of the social contract, we lose a little bit of faith and trust in society and others.

When that trust in others and society is corroded by the thoughtlessness and incivility of others, often we are less likely to act in good faith and civility in our future interactions. Our less-than-civil response to others may in turn cause them to be unkind to others with which they engage.

And so the vicious cycle continues.

My recent experience with bad actors made me appreciate those today who claim that “all bets are off” when it comes to decency in public life. We often hear things like, “The other side has gone to a whole new low. How can I be expected to stay civil?”

We also see evidence of the “vicious cycle” all around us in politics today. When one figure breaks norms and bounds of decency everyone else feels like they have to so as to keep up.

We contribute to this trust-corroding ripple effect when we are uncivil. Others do, too, with their incivility. The incivility of others often tempts us to relinquish the shackles of decency in order to “win.”

But we must resist—for our own sake, for others, and for society.

We cannot control the conduct of others.

We can only control ourselves.

We must also learn to mentally unbundle people and situations. This means not assuming things about their character because of one deed, word, or interaction you had with them. We must learn to unbundle situations. This means not allowing one bad interaction or instance to corrode your trust in society in general.

This is much easier in theory than in practice. This is much easier said than done. but again, in the end we cannot control others. We can only control ourselves.

Socrates and Machiavelli remind us of why we are civil in the first place. The reason to be civil isn’t instrumental. It isn’t just a tool of success. As we’ve seen, sometimes it can be an impediment to success. Civility is instead a disposition, an outgrowth of seeing people as they really are: as beings with irreducible moral worth and deserving of respect. This is worthy for it’s own sake, even if it means we don’t gain the upper hand of every business dealing.

Being uncivil is poison to the soul. When we treat people as means to our ends, it hurts and degrades them, but also us, too.

Machiavelli is famous for the amoral aphorism: “The ends justifies the means.”

Socrates would respond, “But what is your end?”

No earthly battle is worth compromising your soul for.

Here are some questions to consider:

Can you empathize with my experience? Have you had an experience where it felt like decency was not a match for indecency? Write to me with your story and how you dealt with it at ah@alexandraohudson.com
Who do you find more persuasive: Machiavelli or Socrates? Do you think we can be civil in an uncivil world? Or will incivility always win out?

Thank you Ms. Hudson for a great piece of writing and morality.

Happy? Happy? Happy? or Why Ain’t I Happier?

27 Apr 2022 12 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: happiness, joy, life, love, meaning, peace, pleasure, satisfaction

Key-to-Happiness (1)

We all feel that we are entitled to be happy. The Bill of Rights lists happiness as one of our inalienable rights. Actually, it lists the “pursuit of happiness.” Just like chasing a rabbit or health or winning the lottery, you are assured of no guarantee that you will catch happiness. But that won’t stop most of us from trying. The sad part is that most of us will probably fail.

Failure in any endeavor is always assured if you don’t know what you are doing or if you don’t have a strategy. But voila, that is where John and his Magic Blog come in. I am here to give you six methods for catching happiness. Furthermore, I will not charge you one cent for learning how you can be happy for the rest of your life. So, listen closely, pay attention, and take notes if you have to. I may only keep this blog up for a week, just in case I get inundated with requests from Fox News, MSNBC, the Today Show and/or Jimmy Kimmel. Fame is not really conducive to happiness regardless of what they try to tell you.

Let’s start with one basic fact. There are multiple theories about happiness. What this means to me is that there is more than one road to happiness. I have identified six different secrets or theories for obtaining happiness. I will share each one of these secrets with you and give you the pros and cons as I see them.

Ooops, I almost forgot. Some things will not make you happy even if the experts tell you that they will. The following is a list of things that “ain’t necessarily so” when it comes to finding happiness. I list these so you can stay on track and not get seduced by what so many of your friends and neighbors think will make them happy.

Money
Good health
Fame
Power
Lots of friends
Family
Gourmet food
Long life
Sports
Reading
Taking naps
Sex
Children

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1. Absolute Theory of Happiness

This theory says that happiness is a permanent trait that you too can find or acquire if you only try hard enough. Happiness is an attribute like integrity or honesty. Once you find it or get it, all you have to do is hold onto it. It exists like a pot of gold somewhere buried and if you search long enough and hard enough you can find it. People in search of happiness try many of the items on my above list in the hope that one of these will give them happiness.

Pros:

Treats happiness as a journey or quest.
Looks at happiness as a trait that can be acquired.

Cons:

Endless searching for something that is usually a dead end.
Happiness is not usually outside but more often inside.
Happiness is seldom if ever permanent.
Having things will not make you happy.

2. Contingency Theory of Happiness

images This theory says that happiness is dependent on other things happening in your life. You must have these other things going on or you will not be happy. If you have a good family, or good job or you have meaningful work, you will be happy. Contingency is like a correlation in statistics. The process of having a good family correlates with happiness but having a good family does not make you happy. Some things have a higher correlation with happiness than other things. Some people believe that having less things is more conducive to happiness than owning a bunch of things.

Pros:

There is some correlation between happiness and living or doing the right things.
Doing the right things may result in some temporary happiness.

Cons:

Finding happiness is more complex than simply doing the right things.

3. Outcome Theory of Happiness

download This could also be called the “Cause and Effect” theory of happiness. This theory says that certain things or activities will lead to the outcome of happiness. For instance, becoming an Olympic Gold Medalist may lead an athlete to happiness.

Pros:

Great achievements and meaningful accomplishments can lead to happiness.

Cons:

No matter how much you have accomplished or how great your accomplishments are, the satisfaction you will receive and the happiness you may derive will only be temporary.

4. Relative Theory of Happiness

xKgn9039 You will always be happy in proportion to how happy others are around us. If I have a great deal of money but my friends have more, I will be unhappy. However, if I have a bigger office than anybody else in the company, I will be happier than they are. The state of being happy will always be relative or in comparison to some other standard that I mark my happiness by.

Pros:

Humans have a great propensity to compare themselves to others. If you are better, you may achieve a sense of happiness from your pride at being better.

Cons:

Pride and comparisons will always change. You may be on top for awhile but soon you will be on the bottom. When you are on the bottom your happiness will disappear.

what-percentage-of-people-say-they-are-happy-ipsos

5. Average Theory of Happiness

Happiness is viewed as an average state of being. You can never be beyond some mean of happiness. Perhaps your mean will be different than mine, but you will not be able to go much above or below your limits. Just as everyone has different physical limits, everyone has different limits to their happiness. Some people are just happier than others and there is nothing that you can do or change to alter your happiness mean. You are just going to be average happy and that is that.

Pros:

It may be more realistic to be satisfied with life as you know it. Satisfaction and gratitude will convey a sense of happiness even if you are never the happiest person in the world.
You may never be exceptionally happy but you may never be exceptionally unhappy.

Cons:

Life may never have peak experiences for you in terms of being happy, happy, happy.

6. Exceptional Theory of Happiness

bigstock-jumping-happy-young-man-12752945 This theory views happiness as something that has no limits. The sky is the limit. Extraordinary happiness awaits anyone willing to go for it. Every day will bring more and more happiness if you only believe it is possible.

Pros:

A joy that exceeds all others may come from feeling exceptionally happy. The best day of your life may be one that you will remember forever.

Cons:

Best days are inevitably followed by worst days. Nothing stays up forever. Or whatever goes up will go down and the further up you are the further down you will fall.

Conclusions:

You are probably thinking about now “Well, I don’t get it.” Where is the secret that will give me perpetual ecstatic happiness? Frankly, I have not found it. Most of my journey through life has taught me that everything has its ups and downs. There are no absolute truths that exist for all time. There is no one path to happiness or samadhi. Life is a cycle. Today I find happiness, tomorrow my mother or best friend dies. Can I be happy when they die? I may not go out and commit Hari-kari, but I doubt that I will be feeling joyous for the next few weeks or perhaps even months.

CNX_Psych_14_05_Happiness

I think one mistake we make starts at the very beginning. We assume or treat life as though it were about the pursuit of happiness. I don’t think it is. But I do believe we can be happy for cycles or minor periods in our life when things just seem to be going right. My formula for achieving these brief periods of happiness is as follows:

Live each day the best that you can
Do the most that you are able to spread joy and peace in the world
Treat everyone you meet and know with love and respect
Respect yourself and your accomplishments
Do not look for never-ending happiness
Never pursue things or accomplishments as a means to happiness

Now and then it’s good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy. — Guillaume Apollinaire

PS:

One of the comments by a reader noted the “Bluebird of Happiness.” This reminded me of the famous song by Jan Peerce. I had not listened to this song in ages and I just went back and listened to it. The lyrics are wonderful and if my blog has not inspired you to “happiness” maybe the lyrics from the song will.

“The Bluebird of Happiness” composed in 1934 by Sandor Harmati, with words by Edward Heyman and additional lyrics by Harry Parr-Davies. Click the link to hear Jan Peerce sing this wonderful song.

The beggar man and the mighty king are only different in name,
For they are treated just the same by fate.
Today a smile and tomorrow a tear, we never know what’s in store.
So learn your lesson before it is too late.

So be like I, hold your head up high ’til you find the bluebird of happiness.
You will find greater peace of mind, knowing there’s a bluebird of happiness.
And when he sings to you, though you’re deep in blue
You will see a ray of light creep through
And so remember this, life is no abyss
Somewhere there’s a bluebird of happiness.

The poet with his pen, the peasant with his plow,
It makes no different who you are, it’s all the same somehow.
The king upon his throne, the jester at his feet,
the artist, the actress, the man on the street.

It’s a life of smiles and a life of tears It’s a life of hopes and a life of fears.
A blinding torrent of rain and a brilliant burst of sun,
A biting tearing pain and bubbling sparkling fun.
And no matter what you have, don’t envy those you meet.
It’s all the same, it’s in the game, the bitter and the sweet.

And if things don’t look so cheerful, just show a little fight.
Fore every bit of darkness, there’s a little bit of light.
For every bit of hatred, there’s a little bit of love.
Fore every cloudy morning, there’s a midnight moon above.

So don’t you forget, you must search ’til you find the bluebird.
You will find peace and contentment forever, if you will be like I.
Hold your head up high, ’til you see a ray of light appear.
And so remember this, life is no abyss
Somewhere there’s a bluebird of happiness.

Aging Capriciously

My Last Hurrah

Bebe Rexha – Last Hurrah [Official Music Video]

Do not go gentle into that good night by Dylan Thomas – 1914-1953

Are you renewing your relationships?

Facing America’s Real Problems: Part 1

My Brother Billy: RIP

Empathy: Do We Really Need It?

The Day I Met the Bar Room Bum

But can we really learn to love again?

How to be civil in an uncivil world

Ms Hudson’s piece is marvelous. She is a wonderful writer with insights on civility that we all need to think about. This copy is from a site it was posted on with shares. The site is called Civic Renaissance. I advise everyone to sign up for this site and enjoy some excellent writing.

On Plato and civility: reflecting on Plato during his traditionally recognized birthday month, and civility for International Civility Month + win a YEAR of WONDRIUM!

The story

How to be good in bad world

Final thoughts: on virtuous and vicious cycles, and on unbundling people and situations

Happy? Happy? Happy? or Why Ain’t I Happier?

Photo

Dr. John Persico Jr.

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Do not go gentle into that good night by Dylan Thomas – 1914-1953

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Ms Hudson’s piece is marvelous. She is a wonderful writer with insights on civility that we all need to think about. This copy is from a site it was posted on with shares. The site is called Civic Renaissance. I advise everyone to sign up for this site and enjoy some excellent writing.

On Plato and civility: reflecting on Plato during his traditionally recognized birthday month, and civility for International Civility Month + win a YEAR of WONDRIUM!

The story

How to be good in bad world

Final thoughts: on virtuous and vicious cycles, and on unbundling people and situations

Share this:

Share this:

Photo

Dr. John Persico Jr.

Recent Posts

Follow Blog via Email

Questions about Blogging and this Website.

Archives