Last year at my 40th Demontreville Retreat, one of the exercises that we were given by the Retreat Master included a very challenging set of thoughts. The worksheet for the activity was labeled as “A Testament.” I took the worksheet and instructions home with me. It had fourteen tasks or reflections to complete. I did not desire to complete them during the retreat. It is now over a year since my retreat, and I have decided to make the mental and emotional effort necessary to complete this “Testament.”
The worksheet started with these instructions:
Imagine that this is the last day of your life on earth. In the time that you have left, you want to leave a “Testament” for your family and friends. Each of the following could serve as chapter headings for your “Testament.” This is Reflection Number 13 on the worksheet.
13. These are the people who are enshrined in my heart.
All of these people are friends or relatives that I have personally known and interacted with as opposed to people I might admire from history or literature.
The following lyrics are from a song made famous by Tom Jones. Perhaps you can guess from these lines who is first in my heart.
Well, she’s all you’d ever want
She’s the kind I like to flaunt and take to dinner
But she always makes her place
She’s got style, she’s got grace, she’s a winner
She’s a woman
Oh, whoa, whoa, she’s a woman
Talkin’ about that woman
And the woman is my best friend
Well, she’s never in the way
Always something nice to say, and what a blessing
I can leave her on her own
Knowing she’s okay alone and never bored
She’s a woman
Oh, whoa, whoa, she’s a woman
Talkin’ about that lovely woman
And the woman is my wife.
Karen Yvonne (Blomgren) Persico is my blessing in life. We met in 1983 after we both had sixteen years of marriage ending in heartache for each of us. We dated for five years before we were ready to tie the proverbial knot. This first five years of uncertainty has been followed by 35 years of ups and downs as we have navigated the shoals of marriage. The ups have kept going higher and the occasional downs never as low. If some people say that they have never had problems in marriage, this does not apply to us. Karen turned 80 this year and I turned 78. I never thought I could love or care for anyone as much as I do Karen. The prospect of continuing to grow old is both comforting and frightening. It is comforting knowing that we grow old along together. It is frightening knowing that one of us will part ways with the other along the path someday.
Jeanine Persico Mosesian: Second on the list of people enshrined in my heart is my sister Jeanine. Jeanine is caring, compassionate and always helps those who need it. Growing up we were separated by seven years of age but many more miles of family grief. Somewhere approaching old age, we discovered each other again and have become close. I am not one to say that “blood is thicker than water.” I think Jeanine and I would have become good friends regardless of our family history. Nevertheless, the many relatives and common family problems have given us a sound foundation for a sibling friendship.
After my first two enshrined people, I would not want to list the other people who have made a difference in my life in numerical order. There is no scale or ranking that could be applied to show how much each of these people have meant to me. Or how much of an influence each has had on my life. I have listed them in chronological order of when they appeared in my life. Each of these people have made a difference in my life without expectations of reward or perceivable benefits. I would never had achieved or become the person I am today without the contributions and help of each of these folks.
Dorothy Jordan: My mother. A woman who had to survive more than her share of heartaches and violence. She died at the age of 67. My mother never stopped caring for children and became a foster mom to many after my father left her and all of her natural born children had left the nest. The job of mothering was much easier without my father who did not believe in empathy and compassion for children. In “Drama of the Gifted Child”, the noted Swiss Psychologist Alice Miller explains that in a dysfunctional family, it is “every man for himself.” My mother had to dole out compassion like a thief in the night or be punished by my father for being compassionate and kind. I will never forget her surreptitiously “buying” me an encyclopedia with her saved green stamps when my father thought I should just “get my ass to the library.”
Kwame Rice: One of my two best friends. We met in an undergraduate program for social studies at Rhode Island College in 1971. Kwame is a good friend who goes out of his way to make a positive difference in the world. He has never stopped trying.
Bruce Fellenz: My other best friend. We met in a graduate program at Stout State University in 1978. Bruce is a person who cares about others and never turns down a request for help.
William Cox: Bill was a big brother to me. We met in 1979 when he was the Director of the Men’s Center in Minneapolis. Bill took part in what was called at the time “The Men’s Movement.” This was an effort by many men to “Un John Wayne” the role of men in society. The goal was to help men get more in touch with their feelings and to overcome the stigma of being soft or feminine. Bill was always there for men who needed help. Bill was a Methodist Minister who married Karen and I in 1989.
Evelyn Rimel: A mentor and chief instructor for counseling students at Stout State University. She was one of the most compassionate people I have ever known. She was a role model for all of us trying to learn empathy for clients.
Father Sthokal: The Director at the Demontreville Retreat Center in Lake Elmo, Mn for fifty-eight years. I attended my first retreat in 1986 and completed my 41st retreat this past July in 2024. Father Sthokal left an indelible mark on all who ever met him. He was a lovable curmudgeon. Sometimes witty, sometimes sarcastic, but always wise and insightful.
W. E. Deming: I first met Dr. Deming in 1986 after completing my Ph.D. degree in Training and Organizational Development. I was hired by Process Management International as a consultant with the Deming Philosophy. Deming destroyed my four years of business training and taught me what really matters in business. (See the 14 Points for Business) by Dr. Deming.
There are many other people who have made a difference in my life: Some honorable mentions are:
Louis Leone, a cousin who was my first “brother”
Margo House, a mentor who took me under her wing when my first wife left me
Sister Giovanni, my Principal at Guadalupe Area Project
Helen Boyer, my boss at the Metropolitan Council in Minnesota
Louis Schulz, the man who hired me at Process Management International in 1986. Lou was a believer in the Deming Philosophy and become a close friend of Dr. Deming. Lou created the PMI consulting firm to help spread the Deming method and ideas to the world. In my mind, there has never been a greater philosophy of how companies can work closely with employees to provide needed products and services that will help the world. In Deming’s methods, employees, managers, stockholders, investors, the public and of course customers are all involved in a win-win effort to satisfy the needs of all stakeholders.
Shelly Wolfe, my boss at Crawford Rehab Consultants
Socorro Galusha Luna, a woman who gives her all to helping people find their place in the world. Socorro asked me to help with a project to find jobs for ex-felons. She had written a grant that received funding for this effort. We have become friends over the years and she is still out their “counseling” people to help them with their career choices.
Sam Pakenham Walsh, My mentor at PMI when I first started and one of the most brilliant men I have ever met in my life. We continued our friendship until the day that Sam P-W passed away. I still miss our conversations and disagreements over theory and practice.
Dr. Hana Tomasek, A consultants consultant whom Karen and I became best friends with. I learned how to deal with difficult clients from Hana. She was hired by PMI to help consultants fine tune their skills and abilities. Few people could have acheived what Hana did with such grace and humility.
No doubt, I will continue to forget and then remember other friends who should be on this list.
Next Week: My Final Reflection Number 14: “These are my unfilled desires”
Suffice it to say, I am awestruck by the reply from ChatGPT. She/he might just eliminate the need for many experts including pundits like me, psychiatrists, doctors, lawyers, professors, sociologists, psychologists and even you. I am scratching my head as to what I can add about the subject that ChatGPT did not provide you. I can tell you a story though that ChatGPT cannot concerning a major non-closure in my own life. One episode among many that has left me with regrets. I can also tell you that it is not always easy to get closure on incomplete episodes. Many things can get in the way. Perhaps the primary barriers either being the unwillingness of one party to try or to reciprocate an effort and of course our own egos.
few years later, I decided to reach out to him again. You can guess his reaction. He was angry and insulting. I decided to drop my effort. Over the years, we have had some interactions by phone or email but nothing that has substantially reinvigorated our former friendship. I am not sure whether he feels any loss, but I can honestly say that I miss him. He had many good qualities and there were many times that we spent together that I fondly remember. I have been the one over the past few years to try to reach out, but my efforts have gone nowhere. At this point, I have decided that “people change” and that he is not the person that he once was. This is a good excuse or rationale for my letting go and forgetting him. You can no doubt pick many holes in my logic.
I could point out that few things worth having ever come easy. The problem is that too many of us grow up today with the fantasy that as the song in My Fair Lady goes, “With a little bit of luck, you can have it all.” I grew up with a phrase that was popular in my neighborhood that went “He got the breaks.” This meant basically that he/she got what they got cause they got lucky. They did not have to work hard. They did not have to practice. They did not have to study. They simply had to get the “Breaks.” It took me years to realize the fallacy in thinking that luck has much to do with what one gets in life. Two of my now favorites quotes are:
A life without closures will be a life not really lived well. The more closures we can accomplish, the more satisfying our lives will be. Perhaps only a life lived with closures can be a life lived without regrets. We will all have regrets in our lives. Our incomplete episodes are links in a chain that we forge as we go through life. A key question is “how long do we want our chain to be?” The more effort we make to complete these episodes, the shorter our chain will be, and I think the happier our lives will be. Look at the incomplete episodes in your life today. Which ones still cause you heartache and regrets. Is it too late to do anything about them? Would it be worth the effort? What would it cost you to try?
Aging Capriciously 