I have adapted an Osho (A noted Indian Mystic and Guru) story as follows:
Once upon a time there was a young boy named Vince who lived in Minnesota. Every weekend when his chores around the farm were done, Vince would take his canoe out to one of Minnesota’s 10,000 lakes with his best friend and they would spend the afternoon fishing. Somethings they would catch crappies, sometimes bluegills, sometimes even a walleye. Sometimes they would not catch a single fish. Striking out did not bother them one bit. They were content just to be out on the lake together on a beautiful Minnesota summer day.
They would sit in the canoe casting their rods and talking about many things. They would talk about school, parents, girls, and sports. Often they would share their dreams and talk about what they wanted to be and do when they grew up. One day Vince saw a large jet airliner going over head. As he looked at the plane he said, “That’s what I want to be when I grow up. I want to be an airline pilot and fly all over the world. That is my dream.”
Years passed and Vince followed his dream. He became an airline pilot for what was then Northwest Airlines. Later, like many other airlines they merged and became United Airlines. Vince was a lead pilot for a jumbo passenger jet. He flew numerous routes that took him all over the world. He flew to China, Japan, England, France, and many other places. He was one of the best pilots that Northwest had.
Twenty or so very busy years passed. One day Vince had a flight that took him back to Minnesota. He started from Paris, flew over the Great Lakes and was coming down from Northern Minnesota to the Minneapolis/St. Paul Airport. As his plane began the descent into the airport, he looked out the left side of the plane and noticed two young boys in a canoe fishing on a lake. The scene brought back many happy memories to Vince and his eyes started to mist up. He asked his co-pilot to take control for a minute while he cleared his eyes. His co-pilot asked Vince if there was anything wrong. Vince replied, “No, nothing wrong. Just saw something that reminded me of my past. One day I dreamed that I would be a pilot. Now I dream that I am back on that lake with my best friend again.”
There is an old saying that goes “Be careful of what you ask for, you might get it.” Of course, no one pays any attention to this bit of wisdom. Imagine all the people who buy lottery tickets each day. Now try to imagine any of them saying, “I better be careful, or I might win the lottery.” We all want fame, fortune, and success. We set goals that force us to live in the future and we forget how to live in the present. Osho says that we can never be happy unless we can be happy for no reason at all.
Some of you have read the story about my six friends and I who put together a “last man standing bottle” ten years ago. Ken made a case for the bottle. Jerry bought a name plate for the bottle with each of our names and birthdates engraved on it. I bought a bottle of 120 proof Old Grandad while on one of my trips to Bardstown, Kentucky. Ken and Brian have since died. There are five of us left. Jerry is the youngest at 74 and Dick is now the oldest at 81.
Jerry was put on hospice care about eight months ago. I have been to visit him several times and he has joked about going to hospice care too soon. Doctors had told him that he had only a few months to live. Jerry has outlived their original estimates. Friday afternoon, I received a call from Dick who had recently called Jerry. Jerry is not doing well, and the charge nurse told Dick that Jerry would probably not make it through the weekend. I have been wanting to stay away from any medical facilities due to the recent Covid surge, but I decided to mask up and go see Jerry.
I arrived at the clinic and was told I could make a compassion visit, but general visitors were not allowed. I was advised to go to the main desk and see if it was okay with the unit for me to come down. I received an approval and headed down to Jerry’s room. The nurse on the unit met me at the door. She knocked on the door to Jerry’s room but did not receive any response. She went into the room and Jerry was asleep. She woke him up and informed him that he had a visitor.
I walked into the room and Jerry was not looking very good. He could barely open his eyes or even move. His body was bloated, and his skin had dark splotches all over his chest, stomach, arms, and legs. I said hi and he replied, “Hi John.” I told him that the coffee guys (some of whom are on the “Last Man Standing” bottle) all said hi and that they wished him well. This was somewhat of a fib. Truth be told, Jerry was not well liked among some of the guys. He seemed to enjoy making fun of and humiliating other people. Over the years, this took a toll among the men. Not many of them cared enough about Jerry to make a visit to see him.
Jerry had few friends. I tried to be a friend to Jerry, but it never seemed to be requited. I called him. Visited him often at his home. Helped him with a garage sale. Took him to some medical appointments in the Twin Cities. Invited him out to dinner several times and each year when I got back from Arizona, Karen and I made a point of having him over for dinner. Not once did I ever remember Jerry returning any of my calls, stopping by to visit or even saying “Thank You” for anything I ever did for him. Nevertheless, while I stopped the frequency of my visits with Jerry, I never gave up on him entirely.
This day, it was clear that it would be my last visit to Jerry. I felt sad for Jerry. He never had much. The paradox was that he was one of the most intelligent men I have ever met. Before his illnesses, Jerry was an avid reader who could discuss many of the great writers with exceptional insights. Sadly, as his disease progressed, he read less and less and eventually gave up reading entirely.
I asked Jerry a few questions about his sister and other visitors. Something I said elicited the reply, “Now and forever, mumble, mumble, mumble.” “Jerry, I could not hear the last part of that. You said, ‘Now and forever’ and something else. Could you repeat it?” Jerry replied, “Now and forever, all I ever wanted was a little attention.” I was somewhat surprised at his comment. I left a short time later. I doubt I spent more than 15 minutes with Jerry the whole time. I gave him some water and asked if he needed a nurse. He was barely awake, but he declined any offers for help. I told him goodbye. I did not want to imply that it would be goodbye forever so I included the comment that I would be back after I returned from my vacation, and I would stop in to see him again. I do not think this will ever happen.
I thought about Jerry’s comment on my way home. Was his comment about “now and forever” some sort of delirium or was he actually reflecting on a core component of his life. Was Jerry’s obnoxiousness and insults simply a way for him to get attention? At this late stage in his life, was he lamenting his inability to get the attention that he so desperately desired?
I began to wonder if a need for attention is the primary reason that most of us want fame, fortune, and success. Rich people, famous people, celebrities all get more attention than the average person. Think about all of the school shooters that you have heard of. It seems that the main purpose for their rampages is attention. There are many people who fiercely desire their five minutes of fame even if it means they get it by anti-social efforts.
The irony is that fame, fortune, and success never bring happiness. The more of these things you get, the more you want. More is never enough. More of things never satisfies. Then the day inevitably comes when you are no longer famous. Your money no longer buys you attention. Your success is no longer newsworthy. Your fame now evaporates like the morning mist. Can you point to anyone whose fame and fortune brought them happiness? We are brainwashed into thinking that wealth, fame, and success are stepping stones to happiness. If only I am noticed and get attention from others, I will be happy.
To be honest, I am much like the person who buys the lottery ticket. I have never had fame, fortune, or great success. I have never been a great student, a prize-winning athlete, a rich business owner or won any medals or awards. Years ago, I read all the books I could get my hands on to teach me how to be rich, famous, and successful. Despite all my learning and education, I never rose above being an average guy with an average income and an average life.
Perhaps, I should be more grateful. Perhaps, I have been very lucky. I have had a great life. I have traveled widely. I have many friends. I married a wonderful woman and I have always been able to pay my bills. What would my life have been like if I had become rich and famous? My thoughts tell me that I would never have lived as happy a life as I can now point to.
However, telling myself that is a little like someone telling me that I should be glad that my lottery ticket did not win. Somewhere inside me is a yearning for the attention and admiration that I feel fame and fortune would bring me. Something inside me desires to someday be “above” average. I want to be on center stage and have all the spotlights on me. I want to read in the morning papers, how great and talented I am. John “The New Mark Twain.”
I try to counter the above negative thoughts by reminding myself that I am really blessed. I can walk down the street, and no one notices me. I have enough money to be comfortable but not have to deal with hundreds of people who want more money from me because they think that I am rich. I have a loving wife who I am sure loves me for who I am and not for my money or looks. I have seen the world without a body guard. I am healthy and would not trade my health for all the money in the world.
My takeaway from my visit to Jerry is how much I wish that I could have left him with the five minutes of attention that he wanted. The saddest part about Jerry’s life is that he could never let go of this need. He acted as though by being cantankerous and il-tempered he would satisfy this need. I think it cost him a great deal of the happiness that was always there for his taking. We all respected his intellect and admired his reasoning abilities. Each of us in our own way tried to overlook his insults and criticism. It is tragic that he never realized how much his talents really meant to the rest of us. We all knew that Jerry was one of a kind.
PS:
Jerry died early this morning on the 13th of September in the year 2021. If there is an afterlife, I hope Jerry finds the happiness, attention and recognition that he sought. This is one of mine and Jerry’s favorite pictures. Jerry had a great sense of humor. He and Wilma posed for this picture at his garage sale a number of years ago. It is of course a take off on the classic American Gothic. Jerry liked it so much, he blew it up and kept a picture by his bedside. This is how I want to remember Jerry. A man of intelligence and humor.
Now suddenly your partner for one reason or another is gone. She or he passes away. You come back to your home after the funeral and well-wishers have left, and you are now alone. You are more alone than you have ever been in your entire life. You go from room to room and no one else is there. The bedroom is empty. The kitchen is empty. The living room is empty. You notice the picture of you and your spouse at your anniversary party hanging on the wall. It brings back memories and tears. Every day for many days, objects, thoughts, and reflections will bring back good times and bad times that you shared with your lover. You will reflect over and over again about these past times. No doubt you will feel remorse about some things that you did and wish you could undo. You will also miss the fun things that you enjoyed together and the many good times that you had together.
Each evening after dinner, we enjoy food, dancing, and music at the Playa Bonita restaurant. It is right on the beach and while enjoying shrimp cocktails, we watch the most beautiful sunsets I have seen anywhere. As night falls, a band or singer will begin entertaining our group. Evalia loves to dance and will make sure that we all have a spin with her on the dance floor. The dance floor is outside where we eat. Almost always the weather is balmy and comfortable. Infrequently one might need a shawl or a sweater but an active time on the dance floor will mitigate any night chills.
We shop till we drop. We invoke our privilege to use our money as we want to. We make holidays out of holy days where we spend our time hunting for bargains and sales. Greed has now become a sacrament. Greed is no longer evil. Greed is holy. Greed is the American Way of Life. Millions of Americans adore the wealthy. The story of Lazarus holds no credibility – Luke 16:19-21. Nor does the story of the Rich Fool – Luke 12:13-21. Money is sacred and those who have more are worshipped by Americans and exalted as better people and better leaders. We elect millionaires and billionaires to Congress and even the Presidency on the sole basis of their acumen at having stored up wealth.
Well, you are probably thinking, “You can’t always pick your relatives, but you can always pick your friends.” This is absolutely true, but how many people do you know that have lifelong friends that they can trust and rely on in an emergency? I could start a long list of friends that I have left behind over the years for one reason or another. I have ex-friends who became rabid Trump supporters whom I said goodbye to. I have ex-friends who said goodbye to me, and I never knew why. I just did not hear from them anymore. I have other ex-friends who I could no longer relate to for one reason or another. Friends seem to me to be like annual flowers. They pop up for a while and then they fade away. I have five good friends left. I would have more, but some died early and one committed suicide.
have put the bad and the ugly out first so that you would not simply hear a chorus of how wonderful friends and relatives are. The truth of the matter is that as in most of life, you often have to take the bad with the good.
Friendships based on utility derive some perceived benefits from each other. Perhaps helping each other with building or fixing things. Friendships based on pleasure derive fun or shared activities together. Friends who canoe or ski or golf together. Friendships based on virtue derive mutual benefit from pursuing shared values and goals. Friends who work together for a common good. According to Aristotle, friendships based on pleasure and utility tend to be shorter than friendships based on virtue or goodness because needs and pleasures often change over time. Our values in life are less transient and more permanent. Friends who share your same values will be friends for life.
I have written about friendship several times in my blogs (See my 
Faith is number five of my seven essential virtues for leading a happy and successful life. Every Friday I start my day with the following prayer:
I decided that I must first understand what Faith really means. To do this, it is helpful to deconstruct how we think about Faith and how we use the word. I thought about how we use both Trust and Faith in common language. For instance we use trust in English as follows:
I think you can readily see that there is a certain degree of overlap between the two concepts. However, Faith generally seems to convey a more sectarian or theological concept of belief whereas Trust is generally used in more secular terms. Thus, we don’t “trust” God but we have Faith in her. Faith seems to be a term that is not contingent upon any kind of physical or logical proof. We might not trust a person with our money without proof that they are “bonded” or trustworthy, but we would not expect such displays of material evidence when it comes to having Faith in God. So what is the relevance to this in our lives? What good is Faith if we can substitute trust for faith and have more security in the long run?
The answer seems to be (IMHO) that sometimes we can trust without evidence but generally we are better off trusting with some element of surety that can mitigate the risk of our trust being unfounded or mistaken. Whereas, there is little or no evidence that can prove your need or desire to have Faith. You must have Faith like a parent has love for a child. It is unconditional. You have Faith simply because you want to believe. You have Faith because you accept something without conditions. You need no proof or evidence to support your Faith. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? Should you have Faith without proof? What would a life without Faith be like? Would we be safer or happier with less Faith?
Fortunately, the 3.4 percent of respondents have been more than enough to help me keep my Faith. (Should I really need such sustenance if I have Faith?) Yes, I have Faith that my writing is making a difference to the world but alas, I have no proof for the empiricists, the materialists or the skeptics. I have to ask you as well as myself to believe that I am. It is Faith that keeps me motivated. Without Faith, life would appear to be a futile waste of time. Faith helps us to carry on when everything and everyone is saying to quit. The woman in the life raft, the athlete with a severe injury, the parents with a disabled child, the poor fighting hunger, the righteous fighting injustice are all sustained by the power of Faith.
Faith can believe everything
Kindness is number four of my seven essential virtues for leading a happy and successful life. Every Thursday I start my day with the following prayer:
There were few heroes when I was growing up who could measure up to my standards for clear and unemotional thinking. I grew up with a father who demanded toughness. My father’s motto was not to “get even” but to “get one up.” If someone hit me, he taught me to make sure that they would never think of hitting me again. My father was 6’ 4” tall and had been a professional boxer with a 21 and 3 record. He taught me fighting skills at a very young age. My neighborhood taught me to disregard the “rules of boxing” and to fight with whatever I had to win. I could easily protect myself and few people would bother me. Somehow, I became a protector for those kids who were less aggressive and who were picked on by the ever pervasive bullies. I kicked more bullies asses then I can count. I was always proud to help the underdog. Paradoxically, these traits did not make me more compassionate but made me harder and tougher.
Through hardness and toughness I began to forge a wall that nothing could get through. Sentiments, compassion and empathy were increasingly blocked out by my need to be tough and to not take any shit from anyone in the world. Each episode where toughness prevailed was another brick that helped to build my wall higher and higher. I never thought I would get married but after getting my first wife pregnant, I “did the right thing” and married her. It was the manly thing to do. My dad had always taught me to take responsibility for my actions and my baby Chris was a direct result of my actions.
One day we were in a grocery store just before Christmas. An apparently legless man pushing himself along on some kind of a wheeled board was inside the grocery looking for some money. I walked by him with Julie (my first wife) and ignored him. My wife turned back and started to give him some money and I said: “Shit, don’t give him any money, he can probably outrun me. I will bet he is just a fakir.” She gave him the money anyway and replied “What if he is not?” I never forgot that comment. I am not sure why my first wife married me. She once said that she thought all people had feelings and emotions until she married me. We subsequently divorced but I have to say that I probably owe my life to my first wife. She cared for me when I was suicidal and she always looked after me when I was hurt or needed help. Through her, I began to see what compassion and kindness were. This journey has continued with my second wife Karen who is one of the most considerate and most compassionate spouses anyone could have. Every day I learn something about kindness from her.
I disagree with Shaw. I am getting older and I still respect and uphold the values of our Founding Fathers, but I refuse to live in a gated community or allow a homeowner’s association to tell me what color holiday lights to put up. I am not a believer in mincing words but I respect the rights of minorities and anyone else to be referred to as they want to be referred to. I respect the rights of Indians to have their ancestor’s graveyards not dug up for commercial or even academic reasons and I respect their rights not to be depicted as silly mascots for some college team. Trump and his supporters believe the US has become too PC. They blame minorities for this. They would like to live in a land where it is ok to call a Black person a nigger since we call Italians wops and French frogs. A Black person they argue has a double standard or they apply a double standard for Blacks and Whites. The bottom line of all this double talk is not too much PC but a lack of empathy and compassion and kindness towards others.
Yes, there are extremists who want to take Huckleberry Finn out of the library just like there were Popes that knocked the genitals off of statues in Rome. But if you have any empathy or even the slightest understanding of culture and history, you will be less apt to say “My father didn’t own any slaves.” That is a little like replying to a woman who was raped “Well, I did not do it.” To which I can now hear someone replying, “Yes, but no Black people alive today were slaves, so why should they be so upset?” Yes indeed, why should they be so upset? If you are serious about looking at a reason, please regard the following article:
The people that we will remember in our lives and who make the most impact on our lives are not the rich and famous. They are the people who most cared about us and looked after us. They were kind and loving towards us and somehow showed that we meant something to them and to the world. They may have been our fathers or mothers or an aunt or teacher or perhaps a close friend. How much money they had or how successful they were did not make a difference to us. Indeed, what they gave us could not have been purchased by money. Money doesn’t touch us but kindness does.
I want to talk about Gratefulness today. It is the first in my list of the Key Seven Virtues that I think are worth developing. Gratefulness is the opposite of ingratitude. It is easy to fall into the trap of being ungrateful. The world besieges us with evidence of our incompetence and faults. Hollywood glamorizes the mundane and makes the rest of us feel inferior in comparison. American Idol becomes the graven image that we now worship. It is not an image of a gold calf or a prophet or a saint. It is the image of success and fame and fortune that we all desire. Even as I write this, millions of people are buying a lottery ticket in the hope of achieving instant wealth. How many of these people are grateful for what they have? I suspect many of them are very grateful in their daily lives, but it makes you wonder how grateful most people are when they will spend their money against all odds to become an overnight millionaire. What don’t they have that they will buy if they do win?
I thought I would start the year of 2021 off with a positive slant. Namely, some things we can all do or practice to be better people. However, before anyone should pay any attention to what I am about to say, there are several questions they must ask themselves. I would advise you that the veracity and hence credibility of an author is critical to your acceptance of what the author is trying to sell you or convince you of. Do not buy an argument from someone who cannot be trusted. Think about the comment that “If you see the Buddha on the road, kill him.” An uncritical acceptance of any idea is dangerous to your own integrity and responsibility. Hence, the questions I would want answered (If I were you) would be as follows: Who is this writer to say what the “greatest” virtues for a human are? How did he come up with these Seven Virtues? What is the difference between a virtue and a value? Is this an important difference or is he about to sell me another new religion?
I would like to answer that I am a seeker of truth and knowledge. I am very opinionated, often highly judgmental and have frequently been accused of being a “know it all.” Many people would write my opinions off as being too liberal while others would say that I am too rational. I place great value on being logical and trying to stay open to many possibilities. I have been studying philosophy and religion since I was eighteen. I have no degrees in either. But the number of books and articles and stories that I have read number in the hundreds. I have attended many different worship houses and types of religious services. I was brought up as a Catholic until I rejected its teachings at about the age of 10. When no one would give me a good answer for “Who made God?” I more or less decided that most religions were based on superstitions.
Given that one could easily comprise a list of ten or perhaps one hundred important virtues, why do I believe that my seven are the seven greatest and most important? How do I have the audacity to make such an assertion? I might have been sitting under an apple tree one day, or perhaps simply thinking about life at one of my yearly silent retreats at the Demontreville Retreat Center, when I compiled a list of seven virtues. While I truly “value” these ideas, I understand them more as virtues than values. I will address this difference later. I decided that I want to live by these virtues. Each day for the last fifteen or more years, I have selected one of these seven virtues to help guide me through the day. Whether it is patience, kindness or courage, each day I start by reflecting on this virtue and trying to make it a part of my life.
The danger in this discussion lies in your taking a sectarian or religious approach to my writings. I assure you that I am not a religious person. I may be a spiritual person but I do not think of myself in either of these categories. I am an agnostic who wants to live a better life and help build a world that is a better place to live for future generations. Living by these seven virtues is one way I believe I can contribute to this goal.
If I have satisfactorily answered the questions that I posed above respecting my integrity and credibility, I will now set off to address each of my Seven Virtues and explain why they are so important and the difference that I think they can make in our lives. Look for my virtues over the next several weeks in my blogs.
Aging Capriciously 