I have a theory about life and about how we grow as individuals. I call this my theory of “Endless Horizons.” I developed this theory through experience and observation. I would like to share it with you this week. It has been a big inspiration in my life and provided a great deal of motivation for me in my journeys. It involves the ability to accept the unknown but with a difference that is important. Whereas many theories posit an “unknown and unknowable,” my theory says that what is unknown may just possibly be “over the next horizon.” Let me explain more.
Once upon a time, I believed that what we see, feel, taste and smell was all that there was. It did not get any better or worse than what I was already experiencing. I was usually a very angry guy. I was ready to physically fight at the drop of a hat or some perceived slur or insult. My temper and lack of anger management got me into a lot of trouble. I was arrested for assault and battery. I had more fights than I can remember.
“Those who improve with age embrace the power of personal growth and personal achievement and begin to replace youth with wisdom, innocence with understanding, and lack of purpose with self-actualization.” — Bo Bennett
Perhaps worse was the constant state of fear that it kept my first wife and daughter in. I never realized how hurtful my temper and lack of anger control was to them. From my throwing things, to yelling and punching walls, I was like a volcano that might explode at any moment. Even my sleep time was violent. I was constantly having nightmares of someone chasing me and trying to kill me. I would wake up drenched in sweat with my pulse racing a mile a minute.
My first wife and I divorced after sixteen years. My daughter who was fifteen at the time eventually cut off all contact with me. I have not seen or talked to her for over twenty years now.
“Building a better life for every child is a lot harder than becoming a world champion. Both goals take dedication and commitment.” — Kim Yuna
I knew I needed some help and I joined a treatment program for violent and abusive men. About ½ of the men were in treatment voluntarily and about ½ were court ordered. It was sponsored by the Wilder Center in St. Paul, Minnesota. I completed the program (which met weekly) for about 16 weeks. After that I continued with a support group for another two years or so. The support group also met weekly and was restricted to men who had finished the regular treatment program. I had a buddy (Jerry) whom I could call if my temper flared up. Jerry was part of my process or control plan for dealing with my anger issues rather than acting out. There was more to the plan that included walks and other means of cooling off.
I do not know whether my marriage would have been saved if I had gone through this program earlier. I do know my wife would have been a lot happier and my daughter would probably still be speaking to me. Another thing I know is that my nightmares went away.
Getting back to my “Endless Horizon Theory,” I first observed it in the anger support groups that I went to weekly. Before coming to these groups, most “angry” men were in denial. It was always, “they or she made me do it.” “It was not my fault.” The horizon of most men in terms of their awareness of themselves was very short. After they went to treatment, they made it to a new horizon of sorts. From this new horizon, many men could now understand that it was their fault not the fault of others around them. If they chose to, they did not have to go through life angry, violent and abusive. Standing at the horizon of having accepted their responsibility for their anger, they could see a new horizon. This horizon was one of equanimity and if not happiness, at least not misery. The support groups offered a way to get to this next horizon. As they say, “Rome was not built in a day.” Well, dealing with anger problems involves a trip of years. It would not be an easy journey for many of these men.
I stayed in the group for nearly two years. Many of the men I met during these two years were also long-timers. Our support group seemed to grow together as friends and comrades along the journey. I think many of us made it to the next horizon. When I arrived there, I saw another horizon just beyond the one I had reached. We had all assumed that the best we could get would be a life without being constantly angry and explosive. When I came to this new horizon, I began to understand that there was more that I could accomplish. The next horizon promised happiness and a positive outlook to life. Many of us had gone from a negative outlook on life to a neutral outlook and now saw a horizon that promised a positive outlook.
“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.” — Joseph Campbell
Unfortunately, the Wilder Center did not see that as the role of these support groups. They saw their mission as helping to curb domestic abuse. They did not see their mission as helping men grow and develop beyond their ability to control their anger issues. With the lack of support and even hostility towards our new goal, many of the long-termers in my group simply quit and went away. I kept in touch with a few men, but the years have melted these relationships away.
“Growth is painful. Change is painful. But, nothing is as painful as staying stuck where you do not belong.” — N. R. Narayana Murthy
I realized that when I reached one horizon, I could now see beyond it to a new horizon. It was clear to me that there was possibly an infinite number of new horizons. If one has the tenacity, discipline and determination, there is no end to the development that we potentially can reach. Another experience gave me more proof for my theory of “Endless Horizons.”
My second wife Karen and I have both been to two Marriage Encounter weekends. We went to our first Marriage Encounter weekend about five years into our marriage. The second weekend was about ten years after the first. Both weekends had very positive impacts on our marriage, friendship and lives. My horizon theory was further strengthened by events that happened at both weekends. I will relate the events at the first weekend.
I was long past worrying about anger issues by the time of our first Marriage Encounter weekend. I had been trying to be more tolerant of Karen and some of the things that she did that annoyed me. I had reached what I will call a Horizon of Tolerance. I thought I was doing pretty good when I could practice tolerance. When I could not, I would be sarcastic, rude and frustrated. We went to the first weekend as a means of improving our marriage. I will forever be grateful to the organizations and volunteers that put these weekends on. We have found that both these weekends helped us to be better lovers, parents and friends.
Well, during the first weekend, we were having some discussion about the issue of tolerance. I was pretty pumped up because I thought I was doing pretty good with dealing with this issue. I made the remark that I thought I was very tolerant. The response I received caught me by surprise. It was something to the effect that tolerance falls short of respecting the other person. The speaker explained that tolerance simply accepts what is. Respect on the other hand sees the benefits and appreciates the value of what is. There is a significant difference between respect and tolerance. For instance, we can tolerate minorities or people who are different than we are but that is not the same as respecting them.
I was confronted with a new horizon for my relationship with Karen and our marriage. Again, I realized that this new horizon further supported my “Endless Horizon” theory of growth and development. I had finally accepted (and thus my theory was born) that there is an endless number of horizons. Each horizon presents a new possibility for growth. We cannot see beyond our present horizon, but we can be sure that something new will await us once we reach it.
“Strength and growth come only through continuous effort and struggle.” — Napoleon Hill
What does it take to reach a horizon? I said earlier that you must have determination. It helps to have support and coaching along the way. As the song says, “I get by with a little help from my friends.” It also takes commitment to keep trying. There are lots of potholes along the way. There are dead-ends. There are large crevasses, boulders and obstacles to overcome. There are no straight flat highways to the next horizon. It is not a straight-line journey. There are times when you will get lost and times when you will go backwards. But the journey is not to the fittest but to the ones who are most determined.
Time for Questions:
What horizon are you at in your life? What new horizons have you found in your life’s journey? What obstacles have you had to overcome? Have you given up on finding new horizons or are you still searching for new horizons? Why or why not?
Life is just beginning.
“The journey is never ending. There’s always gonna be growth, improvement, adversity; you just gotta take it all in and do what’s right, continue to grow, continue to live in the moment.” — Antonio Brown
Emily and Robert had been married for nearly 65 years. They were both in their early twenties when they met in college. It was love at first sight. Their parents wanted them to wait to finish college but after a brief whirlwind romance, they simply eloped. They surprised everyone when they came back to school and finished their college degrees. Robert became an engineer and Emily was a school teacher for many years. The careers they chose suited their personalities. They were known as hard faithful workers. Not once in over forty years did any employer ever have a complaint or problem with either Robert or Emily. After forty-five years, they both chose to retire so they could spend more time together after Robert’s first stroke.
were loved by all their foster children who often returned home to visit or to simply stop by with a bit of news or something to eat. Robert and Emily could not have loved any children of their own more than they loved their foster children.
Emily finished brushing her teeth and then took her nightly pills. She shut off the bathroom light and started out to the bedroom. The light by Robert’s side of the bed was on and Emily started to say something to Robert when abruptly she stopped. Her eyes fell upon an empty bed that was undisturbed. The sheets and bed covers had not been moved. Emily was surprised and shocked. Where was 
Robert? Suddenly, Emily remembered. Robert had died the previous week and had been buried two days before on Saturday. Tears came to her eyes. What would she do without her Robert? She was all alone now. No one to go to bed with. No one to talk to at night. No one who would regularly listen to her complaints and problems about the world.
Those who say that I am not important or who ignore me are part of a new generation that values image over substance. The word “frugal” is now associated with cheap and the word “thrifty” is associated with the idea of miserliness. It seems the world of finance is dominated by short-sighted individuals who have forgotten the old values that made this country great. Hard work and prudence were values that resonated among the early pioneers like so many notes in a great symphonic piece.
With hard work, you earned a penny. With prudence, you saved your pennies until they became dollars. In the old days, no one would ever have thrown me away or ignored me when laying in the street. Too many people have forgotten the value that I represent. From early times, there have been people who really understood my value. Even before I was an official U.S. coin, the value of a penny was recognized by some. I regard these people as paragons who really understood the meaning of money. Let me tell you a few of their stories.
Hattie had faith in money. Money requires faith but it is a faith that rests on the good that money can do and not simply how much money one can acquire. Hattie had this kind of faith and it persisted beyond her death.
As the little boy grew up, he became an even more devout believer in God. Everywhere he went, he saw the hand of God. In the clouds, in nature, in the weather, in the oceans, in good times and in bad times he believed that God was present. The little boy thought how hard God must have to work to try to keep life sustained. Each night he would pray to God that when he grew up, he would be able to help ease God’s work somewhat and do his share to help make the world a better place.
I am not a very sentimental person nor am I one to cling to the past. I decided I would move on with my life. I threw myself into my job and time went by. I had almost forgotten about Leandra when I saw the ad. It was from the Resurrection Android Company. It was the same company that I had purchased my android valet Sam from. Actually, Sam was much more than just a valet. Sam was a third-generation android with some independent powers of decision making. He could decide what to cook each day and he also decided what I should wear for work. He did cleaning, mending and many light repairs around the house. I had bought Sam shortly after Leandra and I were married. Leandra had mentioned that it would be nice to have some help with housekeeping and all. That way she would have more time to spend with me.
Androids of course are not human and they have no empathy or ability to show any emotions. Sam was logical and could be persuasive but he could not show love or compassion. In the ten years since I had purchased Sam, android technology had advanced considerably. Looking at the ad from the company, it appeared that they were now on a 15th generation android that had affective as well as cognitive abilities. The ad claimed that the new android could help replace a loved one both emotionally and physically. By integrating DNA characteristics using a technique called “Assisted human reproduction”, they could capture the exact characteristics of a loved one. All they would need would be some trace or remnant of the deceased or former loved one’s DNA.
That was when the idea occurred to me. I called the customer service line and asked to speak to a representative. I asked her whether it would be possible for me to create a new wife in the exact image of my former wife Leandra. They assured me it was. It would take about six months for the bio-engineering to integrate the mechanical aspects of the droid with the alleles and DNA strands that they could map from a sample of Leandra’s DNA. When the process was completed, I would have an exact physical, mental and emotional copy of Leandra. Even better, she could continue to be programmed and become an even better Leandra. The old Leandra was somewhat boring in bed. The new Leandra could become a wild and wanton partner if that is what I desired.
It did not take long to assemble the new Leandra. I put the lower torso, upper torso and head together in less time than it takes to make a milk shake. She was perfect. She looked just like my old Leandra. When I turned her on, she greeted me and asked, “What will my name be.” I replied “You are Leandra. You are the perfect wife. You will love and obey me always.”
I came home one day from work and Leandra did not greet me at the door. I thought maybe her battery had discharged or that Sam had forgotten to recharge her. I had left strict instructions for Sam to recharge Leandra every day. But, where was Sam? I did not hear him fixing dinner in the kitchen. I went into the kitchen but Sam was not there. Suddenly, I noticed a note on the table. I picked it up. It was from Leandra. She had written: “Gone with Sam, don’t love you anymore. Bye.”
Karen says that I should start our annual holiday letter off because I write better than she does. Well, since it is the holiday season, I will let her slide. For my part, (Karen will add hers in a short while), I promise not to talk about politics, religion or philosophy. We are all sick of politics and you are probably only marginally interested in the latter two topics. What’s left then? Well, I was thinking that I just turned 70 in September. I never believed that I would see 30 years of age. Now here I am 4 decades later pondering the same mysteries of life that I pondered forty years ago. Feeling a little nostalgic, I got to thinking about the “firsts in my life.” For instance, my first kiss and my first job. So how about participating in a little nostalgia here and fire up your memories as well. I have posted a list of “my firsts” with my responses to each item. List is on the left with my responses to each one on the right. Can you remember your answers to my list? I would love to hear your list of firsts. Please post your FIRSTS in the comments section if you can remember what they are and don’t mind sharing.
Hi all. I think I’ll stick with my firsts for the past year. My first Dulcimer Jamboree in April, 2016 in Mountain View AR where I met the dulcimer 9 years ago. A fateful meeting it was. My first chromatic travel dulcimer which I took with me to New York in Nov. My first raised bed garden this past summer made from old discarded stock tanks. It produced more food than we could eat and it was so easy to weed and harvest. My first grandson, Garrick, getting married to Kat this coming spring. My first viewing of an opera at the Metropolitan Opera in NYC. My first concert in Carnegie Hall. My first trip up the Statue of Liberty and out to Ellis Island to look for ancestors.
It’s been a full, fun and sometimes exhausting year. We still work part time to support our “snow birds” lifestyle. I’m working with start-up home care agencies, teaching and consulting, and ICD 10 coding. John has taught both on-line and residence classes. We escaped our part time work with trips down to Kentucky for Kentucky Music Week, trips to the ocean in Puerto Penasco, Mexico, and a fall anniversary trip to Bayfield, WI. And, of course, the trips back and forth from WI to AZ where John tries to find new unspoiled routes each time we go.
Jesus talked about the three classes of good people. The first class hears his message but has little time to do anything about it. The second class hears the message and when convenient they try to help others and spread the message of Jesus. The third class commits their body and soul to sharing Jesus’s message. The third class of men/women make a commitment to doing this year round and 24/7. For the third class, it is not a onetime thing or something to be done when they have time or are not busy. It is a lifetime commitment to share his message with the world.
The Joy of Christmas is a state of fulfillment, contentment and gratitude. Through the love of others who give selflessly of themselves, we can all be free to experience a Joy that cannot be bought or traded. It is one of the reasons that giving and not receiving is said to be the true path to happiness. During the holidays, we are excited about the chance to give to others. And nowhere is that feeling of giving more delightful than in watching the face of a young child receive something that we know they really wanted. However, Joy to the World should mean more than just giving toys to tots. There are physical gifts which we can give but there are also emotional and spiritual gifts as well.
I am frequently critical of all the toy drives that I see going on at Christmastime. Not just because I think most kids in America have more toys than they know what to do with, but because of the message that this sends. Why not I ask, have a “books for tots” drive? Why not give books for a present? Why is it always about toys? We become so narrowly focused that we lose sight of the larger picture.
Thus, Jesus did not come to replace the commandments but he did come to go beyond the commandments. God brought the commandments to Moses but the message that Jesus brought to us is in addition to the commandments. Jesus extended the Ten Commandments with a list that has come to be known as the Eight Beatitudes. A beatitude is something that gives one both happiness and blessedness. Jesus gave these Eight during his famous Sermon on the Mount:
I am continually surprised by so-called Christians who seem to revel in the Ten Commandments but treat the Eight Beatitudes as though they were bastard children of Satan. When was the last time you heard anyone wanting to put up a statue or sculpture or sign with the Eight Beatitudes on it? The Message of Christmas is the Eight Beatitudes. The Joy that Jesus wanted to bring to the world can only come by following the Eight Beatitudes. If you call yourself a Christian but you do not practice these in you daily life, then you are not spreading the Gospel of Jesus.
words of the Beatitudes go beyond any one religion. They speak to a way of being in the world and a way of treating other human beings. Just as I have found valuable teachings in other religions, I think more Christians should be willing to share the Message of Jesus in the Eight Beatitudes. Keep in mind though, that sharing this message will never work unless you also live by the message. You must be the change you want to see in others. Do you know what the famous Indian Chief Sitting Bull said when asked what he thought of Christianity? Chief Sitting Bull replied: “I have read your Bible and the religion seems good but I do not see many White people practicing it.”
On Tuesday and Wednesday along with my good friend Vic Ward, I attended the 52nd Nobel Conference which was titled: “In Search of Economic Balance.” It featured many illustrious and highly respected economists such as: Dan Ariely, Orley Ashenfelter, Paul Collier, Deirdre McCloskey, John List and several other well-known economists. After every lecture, there was a panel discussion where the speaker and several of the other economists had a chance to discuss and interact. Following these discussions, my friend and I debated, discussed and summarized what we thought were the most important points of each lecture. I attended eight lectures, six panel discussions and numerous discussions each evening with Vic.
On the way back from St. Peter, we stopped Jim’s Apple Farm when we saw a sign that said “Next exit, Minnesota’s largest candy store.” I bought several treats for Karen and the guys at the library in Frederic. Jim’s lived up to its billing. It may just be the largest candy store in the US. It is certainly the largest candy store I have ever been in.
Karen having spent thirty years of her life in Home Health Care is much better grounded and infinitely more knowledgeable than I am in this area. Many of the ideas in the conference sessions were basic for her but for me the opposite was true. I had my eyes opened and many of my concepts about conditions such as Dementia have now been thrown out the window. I cannot begin to describe how much I learned at this conference and how valuable the ideas were for me.
